What If's

 It’s as honest as it can get.

The hard hitting reality of a single parent and the job in hand.

A biographical movie about a teen mom, shelving her hopes and ambitions temporarily, sacrificing her dreams waiting for a day to become reality. 

The struggle is real.

Though many of us watching this movie today may not relate to the teen mom, late college goer, since it is set in the ’60’s, it still reaches out to a lot of women. 

The marriage is forced, love is a word, raising a child is a job.

Never giving up on her dreams, her purpose is what gives her the strength.

The movie is made to be funny, Drew Barrymore as the struggling mom, makes it all seem possible. The hatred she feels for herself and the life she chose, does not seem tragic because of the light hearted comedy.

Life is not perfect, there are things we do for love, there are more that we do out of a sense of obligation. 

The  movie takes us on a wild ride from being a child to mom, to working mom to student to parent and author and an eye opener.  

She is not begging for pity, she chose her life, she chose to change her life.

Beverly comes across as hard and sarcastic, unsure if she loves her kid and not sure if she wants to be a mother.

She tells her son that she has lost a lot in life because of him. For a young kid, it may not be what he likes to hear, but I could relate a lot to these truths. He grows up in a never been loved environment. 

Towards the end of the movie, when she wonders if this job ever ends, I felt it!! 

As a parent, openly expressing hurt and anger towards your child would deem cause for a call to social welfare today by someone observing this. 

But in all honesty, having faced days that make me regret decisions I have made, hopes and dreams that I unlike Beverly have still not got the courage to pursue, I wonder.  

What is this unconditional love that I am supposed to have.

She has a strange way of showing her love as most overworked parents probably do. She seems hard and selfish, in reality she is just protecting herself and her son from the hurt, I would know. This too is love.

The ultimate realisation as she talks to her dad in the last scene makes you gasp!  Her son confronts her and expressed what she always felt with her parents.  But the quick understanding and acceptance makes you tear up.

She does not wait for the What If’s

"All life is, is three or four big days that change everything"

Riding in cars with boys

Pandemic Mom

I chose the life I lead.

I repeat this every time I am plagued with self doubt and guilt and a feeling of worthlessness. Yes it happens.

I avoid the Joneses, but their chandeliers, tinkling glasses and laughter and music and flashy vacations tend to creep into your silence. 

Parenting is an art a science a daily lesson. Another job that I undertook.

Some of us learn from the best, from our own, from the ones we talk to. Many like me learn through trials and errors and wins and failures. 

As a new parent, suddenly single, 15 years ago, I never had time to think, I just went with the flow. 

Everyday I tried. Waiting for the moment, not knowing what that was. 

When I was a learner, I asked myself: 

Am I enough, Do I do enough.

I questioned everything I offered and did not or could not. 

Was I doing the right thing by holding back or giving in.

Being used to taking my decisions on my own, being solely responsible for every financial, physical, emotional need, control was my game. I expected my children to be grateful for this. 

A need to push myself ahead in my career after several sacrifices,  the need to be present at work more than at home. 

I took for granted my right to work and leave the children behind.

Balance was just a word, I do not know if I achieved it.

With a support system in place, things worked out. My daughters achieved that balance. 

When the girls were no longer physically dependent on me, I took my breaks, with my trusted friends, hoping my daughters would not deny me my freedom.

Now, 15 years later, after learning how to argue over right and wrong with an absent parent, after learning how to take decisions emphasising on the custodial right, learning how to pick my  battles, learning how to face the crowd all on my own, learning how to love unconditionally even when I feel dead inside, learning to live by lists, I am unlearning. 

“It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell me children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.” – Joyce Maynard

In 6 months, the daughter I saw off to nursery school, who cried when all others had stopped, when teachers told me not to drop her at school and see her off since she was trying to cope with abandonment issues at age 4, will be starting college. 

As I get ready for this new life, wondering if she will make it to college, while waiting for her younger sibling to graduate school the following year. I realise being home with them the whole time for the past 7 months during the pandemic, I need to unlearn. 

Control, Forcing decisions, Irrationality, Stereotyping

• It is ok to bend, you won’t break. 
• Problems exist in all relationships even with children, talk it out.
• Respect begets respect, Love returns love.
• Being honest with them, teaches them to be honest with you and others
• Say it, speak the words, I love you. I am sorry, I respect your needs.
• It is important to take walks with your children, not always rush, hurry, to classes, courses etc.
• You are enough. 

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—snap!—the job's a game!" —Mary, Mary Poppins

The Space Between

 I exit often.

Exit from social media, chatting with friends, family or stepping out for a walk

Some people take this personally and consider me asocial. Friends get hurt, family think I’m losing it. 

I exist among my own, but in silence. 

This life I live made me realise the importance of retaining my sanity and slowing down.

I need the silence to hear my voice, to feel my thoughts, listen to my soul, breathe. Silence gives me strength.

The space and distance helps me rest, recover, heal.

Everyone has their own way of doing this, some need more noise, more crowds, more friends, more socialising, some retreat to the hills, beaches, jungles.

I am not weird, I am not anti anything, am just an overworked, worried mom, daughter, person. Who is not able to get away from the people around me, 

We live in a world that is so dependent on external sources for affirmations. 

Sense of entitlement, the ability to connect at an instant. The feeling of loss when the connection is not reciprocated. 

We don’t own the people we love even if we live with them, everyone is entitled to their space

My quiet moments provide me self affirmation. 

I am not running away from my problems, I am dealing with them in my own quiet way, I know you could have helped me if I had come to you with them, but I also know I can deal with them in my own silent way

My friend sent me a message when I needed it most ”Just checking on you, hope you are well, respect that you need your space, but letting you know I am there if you need me” 

These are my soulmates

And I would do the same for them.

And I am rarely out of reach and I do meet and talk in the space between.

I always return to chatting with friends, going out for walks/ runs/ catching up with my favourite folks and plenty of smiles.

It is not wrong to take time for self preservation, it is right to spend time to rest and reset.

"Quiet the mind, heal the source"

-Tiffany Stoffer

Room Of Her Own

 My first Georgian movie

The pandemic has made me expand my horizons beyond the known French, Italian Foreign language movies.

The availability of such movies online has made it easy for me to enter into homes and lives otherwise unknown.

What is remarkable is that feelings, emotions, struggles are the same everywhere.

Love, Pain, Hurt, Anger are language agnostic!

As usual, I watch foreign language movies with no expectations, just to listen to the different audio and read hopefully the translation which captures the essence of the movie.

Very often the acting is enough to bring out the crux and emotions conveyed

The story begins with a 50 year old woman Mañana house hunting. She seems to be ok with a not so ok run down apartment on the outskirts of a town and does not question the owner/ caretaker regarding the repairs and mess the place is in.

Next it shifts to a loud crowded household, where trivial things she likes are not allowed, something pleasurable like eating cake is frowned upon. Even daily dressing is not a private affair. 

Leaving you wondering if the house she has seen is for her parents/ her husband and herself or for her married daughter and son in law or for the son who is in college.

As the story progresses and Mañana moves out of home leaving her aged parents whose house they live in, her husband, her daughter , son in law and son. She lives alone managing with her teachers income. 

Her decision is made firm when the student tells her teacher about her decision to walk out on an unequal marriage. It is a case of the teacher learning from her student. 

Manana never left her family or husband because of physical abuse or infidelity.  She feels suffocated. She lacks freedom. 

We come to learn how others around her try to control her life, including her brother, her mother who guilt trips her saying she had a ready made nanny in her which allowed her to pursue her job .

Even after moving out physically, she is emotionally available for her children, her parents, her husband still in shock on what has changed in his life 

How a chance school reunion discloses a 14 year old secret which shocks her.  

How she stands up to her beliefs, her decision, and reasoning appeals to you and the viewer is left applauding the strength of her character. 

It is a strong female centric movie, with the story being any woman’s story in any developing country, Namely India, the markets, streets, homes are eerily similar to places we have grown up in 

Even an independent thinking, financially stable woman is not allowed freedom of thought and speech and action in many households. She is never respected for the knowledge or position or wealth she brings in.

We see Mañana enjoying the silence, solitude, enjoying her piece of cake, listening to music she loves. This speaks volumes about the freedom she has finally gained.

The man, lesser in every way, gains that respect and freedom just for being man.  A patriarchal society, so common to most of us.

The movie ends with a conversation with her husband with unanswered questions about his indifference and her brothers patronising ways which no one questions. 

Few break the shackles, few take that courageous step to divorce their family.

Few decide to live their lives and not die while still breathing. 

How have you lived your life?  

My Happy Family (Chemi Bednieri Ojakhi)

Curious and Curiouser

 I felt very close to the writer as I read this memoir.

I could understand what I was experiencing, which others around me are not able to accept.

The book talks about family ties, the struggle to live as an adult with a very difficult childhood and the difficulty in cutting the same ties which shaped you. 

How does education shape you or the lack of it force you to relook at your beliefs and take charge of the situation.

Tara grew up in a strict Mormon background with her fanatic father and large sibling family. Her mom though from a very different upbringing soon adapts to ways of the hills and her husband’s beliefs. She proves to be the stronger parent and self sufficient person when she becomes the local midwife and quack with her potions to cure all ills. 

The family business being an old scrap yard and all the children of the family are initiated into this ritual from young and need to earn their stay.

Love is a questionable emotion in the household. It is exhibited in a very harsh and loud manner with blood and gore being the standard show of affection 

This was the environment in which our author grew up. She was not allowed to step inside a classroom because the father felt that the government was out to control them. They did not wear clothes which exposed skin. Their small world started and ended in rural Idaho. She did not own a birth certificate. 

How Tara escapes the system, finds herself in a world which has not known any like her. She was lucky to have roommates who were understanding, professors who see behind the person she thinks she should be.

The “homeschooling” which taught her to be tough and persevere and self reliant. 

There are several”Facts” which do not add up. The physical wounds which heal without treatment, the bones that mend, the money that pours in, the ability to become so well read when there is no basic knowledge or understanding. 

From someone who thought doing maths meant touching the pages of the book to getting accepted in Oxford and Harvard, Tara through her professors and friends looks at things in a different perspective.  

Her curiosity and eagerness to learn and catch up on lost years give her an advantage over more worldly scholars. 

How education which she seeks for herself helps change her lives and those of her family who accept the change and the lack of education which narrows the views and lives of those who refuse to change.

Some may feel shocked that a person who could be so sensible and mature in many ways, accepts the violence as her punishment for crime not committed other than being born a Mormon in the Westover family.

What did I find relatable in this book,  which is about sadness and survivalist attitude?

Playing God, self proclaimed healer, righteous, the mother’s misplaced affection for the son who is considered weak, the rough it out daughter who is supposedly stronger, religion being stronger than medicine, fault finding, doomsday conspiracy, control freaks, anti government vents. Opinionated, Suspicious, judgmental, "I know everything am always right" attitude. Guilt tripping, demeaning, disconnected conversations.  

They are so familiar to me in my daily life, the slow death I have accepted and unable to escape.
Is it affection that keeps me bound to my family and siblings, cannot be, when there is emptiness inside me, is it an irrational fear of not being accepted anywhere else or of not belonging,  should I walk out? 

Silence a constant, avoidance a necessity, fear of being ostracised for thoughts considered ungrateful, like Tara, I too stick to people who don't judge me for my lack of emotions and need to  conform. 

She won the battles she chose to fight. 

Educated- Tara Westover

 

Friends with Benefits

Call me old fashioned or a prude or just ignorant.

I did not know what the term " Friends with benefits" meant till I was well into my 30's and received a sound education after a faux pas.

Being single you are easy prey for many to consider you want this relationship. It is convenient and provides the much needed benefits without having to look very far.

Why is it so difficult for a man and woman to remain good friends without turning the relationship into a physical experiment. 

Sometimes the experiment goes awry and the relationship turns sour, if the foundation was strong the friendship survives the test of sex and becomes stronger sans any more physical attraction.

I have found good friends in the opposite sex with zero need to take it beyond that. 

I have made peace with friends where the experiment failed but the benefits of having a good true friend have continued well into the years.

It is not easy when you are needy to not want to slip back into what was once good. 

Why can't the "With benefits" in Friends with benefits be the benefit of comfort, the ease, the vulnerability?

Why should chemistry between two people always be about the sexual attraction and not remain the chemistry of friendship 

A friendship like Meredith and Alex,  Sheldon and Penny, Phoebe and Joey

I'll take one Alex in my life please. That's the kind of benefit I crave.

True Love

I think I've finally found it!! 

Baking is my therapy and during these uncertain times it has helped me not lose myself. 

The sheer joy of rolling, kneading, bloom, seeing the rise. 

Baking bread has a different smell compared to baking cakes. It fills the rooms with the natural smells, no essence, no additives, fresh, pure. 

I had tried baking buns earlier, but failed hence gave up too easily.

A different brand of yeast beckoned me from the shelves and a simpler recipe gave me courage to try again. 

Tried my favourite Cinnamon buns. 

They reminded me of Cinnabon from my stay in the US of A. 

Their cinnamon buns called to me as soon as you entered the airports and malls, when you were tired, they gave a much needed sugar high, they swirled and oozed with butter and sugar and glaze dripped on the sides. For a cinnamon lover these were heavenly, my Sri Lankan roots jumped out in joy at such times. 

I loved those buns.

From my first attempt being very conservative with the sugar glaze keeping in mind sensitive old stomachs and still to be trained young ones, I went on to try many more buns during the week with a second attempt at those buns in a week's time.

I am in love with these bite sized beauties. 

Am yet to share these with neighbours like I do my cakes, still holding onto them like a secret lover.

Pictures below of my yeast blooming- magical, the dough rising and doubling is a miracle, the browning of the bread is fulfilling. 

Its soft and fluffy within with a little hardened soaked through top.

The three cheese, rosemary and Olive bread was so flavourful with garlic creating that extra zing.

Sometimes I can find heaven at home!! 

All bakes between 26th August to 2nd September

Photographs by my daughter