Pandemic Mom

I chose the life I lead.

I repeat this every time I am plagued with self doubt and guilt and a feeling of worthlessness. Yes it happens.

I avoid the Joneses, but their chandeliers, tinkling glasses and laughter and music and flashy vacations tend to creep into your silence. 

Parenting is an art a science a daily lesson. Another job that I undertook.

Some of us learn from the best, from our own, from the ones we talk to. Many like me learn through trials and errors and wins and failures. 

As a new parent, suddenly single, 15 years ago, I never had time to think, I just went with the flow. 

Everyday I tried. Waiting for the moment, not knowing what that was. 

When I was a learner, I asked myself: 

Am I enough, Do I do enough.

I questioned everything I offered and did not or could not. 

Was I doing the right thing by holding back or giving in.

Being used to taking my decisions on my own, being solely responsible for every financial, physical, emotional need, control was my game. I expected my children to be grateful for this. 

A need to push myself ahead in my career after several sacrifices,  the need to be present at work more than at home. 

I took for granted my right to work and leave the children behind.

Balance was just a word, I do not know if I achieved it.

With a support system in place, things worked out. My daughters achieved that balance. 

When the girls were no longer physically dependent on me, I took my breaks, with my trusted friends, hoping my daughters would not deny me my freedom.

Now, 15 years later, after learning how to argue over right and wrong with an absent parent, after learning how to take decisions emphasising on the custodial right, learning how to pick my  battles, learning how to face the crowd all on my own, learning how to love unconditionally even when I feel dead inside, learning to live by lists, I am unlearning. 

“It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell me children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.” – Joyce Maynard

In 6 months, the daughter I saw off to nursery school, who cried when all others had stopped, when teachers told me not to drop her at school and see her off since she was trying to cope with abandonment issues at age 4, will be starting college. 

As I get ready for this new life, wondering if she will make it to college, while waiting for her younger sibling to graduate school the following year. I realise being home with them the whole time for the past 7 months during the pandemic, I need to unlearn. 

Control, Forcing decisions, Irrationality, Stereotyping

• It is ok to bend, you won’t break. 
• Problems exist in all relationships even with children, talk it out.
• Respect begets respect, Love returns love.
• Being honest with them, teaches them to be honest with you and others
• Say it, speak the words, I love you. I am sorry, I respect your needs.
• It is important to take walks with your children, not always rush, hurry, to classes, courses etc.
• You are enough. 

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—snap!—the job's a game!" —Mary, Mary Poppins