Story of our Lives

This book is so touching and poignant, a tribute to the human spirit and its connections, the influence our lives have on others, knowingly and unknowingly, our fears and anxiety so well explained.
I cannot say more than what the author has already said.
It is beautiful, sad, lyrical.

“They say that a person’s personality is the sum of their experiences. But that isn’t true, at least not entirely, because if our past was all that defined us, we’d never be able to put up with ourselves. We need to be allowed to convince ourselves that we’re more than the mistakes we made yesterday. That we are all of our next choices, too, all of our tomorrows.”

“The truth of course is that if people really were as happy as they look on the Internet, they wouldn’t spend so much damn time on the Internet, because no one who’s having a really good day spends half of it taking pictures of themselves. Anyone can nurture a myth about their life if they have enough manure, so if the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, that’s probably because it’s full of shit.”

“Because the terrible thing about becoming an adult is being forced to realize that absolutely nobody cares about us, we have to deal with everything ourselves now, find out how the whole world works. Work and pay bills, use dental floss and get to meetings on time, stand in line and fill out forms, come to grips with cables and put furniture together, change tires on the car and charge the phone and switch the coffee machine off and not forget to sign the kids up for swimming lessons. We open our eyes in the morning and life is just waiting to tip a fresh avalanche of "Don't Forget!"s and "Remember!"s over us. We don't have time to think or breathe, we just wake up and start digging through the heap, because there will be another one dumped on us tomorrow. We look around occasionally, at our place of work or at parents' meetings or out in the street, and realize with horror that everyone else seems to know exactly what they're doing. We're the only ones who have to pretend. Everyone else can afford stuff and has a handle on other stuff and enough energy to deal with even more stuff. And everyone else's children can swim.”

“We're trying to be grown-up and love each other and understand how the hell you're supposed to insert USB leads. We're looking for something to cling on to, something to fight for, something to look forward to. We're doing all we can to teach our children how to swim. We have all of this in common, yet most of us remain strangers, we never know what we do to each other, how your life is affected by mine.
Perhaps we hurried past each other in a crowd today, and neither of us noticed, and the fibers of your coat brushed against mine for single moment and then we were gone. I don't know who you are.
But when you get home this evening, when this day is over and the night takes us, allow yourself a deep breath. Because we made it through this day as well.
There'll be another one along tomorrow.”

“One bit at a time, Mom.” She laughed just as loudly, for the thousandth time, the way parents do. Then she held his hand tightly and said: “We can’t change the world, and a lot of the time we can’t even change people. No more than one bit at a time. So we do what we can to help whenever we get the chance, sweetheart. We save those we can. We do our best. Then we try to find a way to convince ourselves that that will just have to… be enough. So we can live with our failures without drowning.”

“Do you know what the worst thing about being a parent is? That you're always judged by your worst moments. You can do a million things right, but if you do one single thing wrong you're forever that parent who was checking his phone in the park when your child was hit in the head by a swing. We don't take our eyes off them for days at a time, but then you read just one text message and it's as if all your best moments never happened. No one goes to see a psychologist to talk about all the times they weren't hit in the head by a swing as a child. Parents are defined by their mistakes.”

“It just hurts so much at times, being human. Not understanding yourself, not liking the body you’re stuck in. Seeing your eyes in the mirror and wondering whose they are, always with the same question: “What’s wrong with me? Why do I feel like this?”

― Fredrik Backman, Anxious People

Gratitude Post: 6

Ever since I have moved back to Bangalore with a 1 and 2 year old, my parents have ben around.

They were there.

Through the good and bad.

Controlling, caring.

Loving, Yelling

Today I do have difference in opinions, crave for some freedom, independence, space.

But if they had not been around, I would probably be someone else.

I may have survived, resilience is something we inherently have.

It could have been different.

This post is about being grateful for my parent's presence. They gave.

I give back, I think it is enough, I know it never will be.

Gratitude Post: 5

The man credited by the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office with the first such trimmer was named Valentine Fogerty, though the design of his device could best be described as a circular nail file rather than a keratin clip. The first design in the USPTO’s files that I could find that could be described as having anything in common with modern designs came from inventors Eugene Heim and Oelestin Matz, who were granted a patent for a clamp-style fingernail clipper in 1881.

For nail-clippers and men who cut their nails.
Enough said…

Gratitude Post: 4

This goes out to all the house help who make my day easy.

During the lockdown, I did all the household work along with getting used to the new pressures and expectations of working from home.

We Indians are a spoilt lot and depend on house help for all our needs.
We paid them during the days they never came to work, because of the lockdown.
Several homes took safety into their hands and decided to stop any entry of people which included house helps.
Many lost their jobs and livelihood, especially difficult when their spouse mostly carpenters, masons, drivers had also lost their jobs.

I am grateful to those who came, those who still come, making my living comfortable.
Giving them a few days off when they need it most, a little extra cash to help in times of need, a salary advance during difficult times are what I can do to ease their worries.

But what they offer me is peace of mind and body which is much more valuable than what I can offer them.

"Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”
Marcel Proust

Gratitude Post: 3

There is a small Nilgris departmental store across the road from our apartment.
They remained open; being essential services even during the lockdown.
They have been a big help to us for anything we may need, especially when we specifically request them for something, they went all out to procure the item. Like baking powder, icing sugar, vanilla essence:)

They served long hours, maintaining safety and hygiene measures.
They know what are peoples preferences, tastes, passions too:)

When I bake, I tend to give away some goodies to friends and neighbours, this year on my birthday I chose to walk over to the good folks at the department store instead and gave them some of my chocolate cake.
They were thrilled, they never expected gratitude in this form.

Grateful for their service, their support when it was needed the most.

Gratitude Post: 2

I live in an apartment complex. The gates remain open during the day for vehicular movement and people to walk in easily.

Though there is an app to approve any entry of visitors, delivery and sales men it is still easy for anyone familiar to walk in without registering as long as you just keep walking in confidently.
Which is what caused the fiasco of the smashed pot on the windshield of the car.
Immediately, there was a lot of fury among residents, me included, worried about the security and safety of our community. Soon forgotten the other days of infallible service provided by them.

I have lived in this complex for almost 15 years.
Several agencies have come and gone between various changes to the apartment association representatives.

During the lockdown, the security not just performed their duties, but also took upon themselves to participate in the cleaning, helping old invalid residents, living alone and ensuring the community remained safe and protected during the spread of the virus.
They kept the gates locked, getting up each time someone stood at the gates, waiting for them to open, never grumbling.

I have had them open the gates for me while trying to slip in before sun rise after a late night out or coming in after the Cinderella hour as they watched my carriage turn into a pumpkin.
Never asking, never judging.
Just doing their job, keeping an eye out on the roads to ensure I walk in safe.

My thanks to them at those moments, are never enough.
The small token of appreciation I hand out to them during festivals and celebrations can never repay them for all the safety they provide when we need it most.

Gratitude post: 1

Lockdown, pandemic, curfews, restrictions are what we lived through since mid March 2020
There have been so many losses of lives and livelihood.
The virus did not differentiate between age, income, religion, castes.

Some extroverts and socially active people struggled with the isolation, others used the quiet time to introspect and reinvent themselves.
Some found the time at home with family a blessing, the same situation was claustrophobic to few.

I went through issues of space and peace, sought solace in movies, books and running.
Having already blocked unnecessary noise, I did not need anyone else outside of my apartment complex for company.

But everyone caves in eventually, after a while the old familiar ways are missed and comfort can only be gained from what once was and people and conversations we know and sounds of laughter.

Thus the trips started, the short trip to work, a quick detour to meet friends who could make you laugh.
The rush back before curfew hours. Weekends were curfews, stuck at home. 
Slowly the city relaxed and so did I. I stayed beyond sun down. Weekdays becoming weekends instead.
The city was waking up, transport was slowly returning to normal, cabs were again seen on the roads.

This is a gratitude post to all the cab drivers who brought me home safely, the straight road, 12 kms though not a long distance and gets covered in 25 mins late at night, is deserted and quiet.
Cab drivers in Bangalore are touted as untrustworthy and ready to take advantage of the situation.
Everyone warns me that it will not be safe all the time.
I blindly put my faith in the powers above and trust that He has sent someone to take me home safe at that hour, I fight to stay awake, I play with my phone, ready to press help if needed.

Grateful for the inherent goodness in people.
The small tip I pay, I hope makes them continue the good service they render and keep the faith of people alive.

"We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude"

Glory Days

I did not know
That my favourite song from the 90’s which gripped my soul had a sequel.

I listened to it today.
Piya Basanti Re

This was my favourite song among many other pop songs which played on TV music channels of the 90’s and early 2000

Sung by Ustad Sultan Khan and Chitra and directed by Pradeep Sarkar the music video, Piya Basanti became hugely popular, due to the music as well as the beautifully-conceived and directed music video itself.

The soul stirring voice and the video combined had me glued to music channels eagerly waiting for the song to play.

Later, much later, during the internet era, I tried to find out where this video had been filmed, I found the little tea stall, the water gushing by, the thick cloud swirling around, the quick stolen glances between the hill born girl and the gun toting guy all so enchanting, always wanting to go back and feel that little rush they had experienced.

I learnt it was set in the idyllic hills of Kothgarh in Himachal Pradesh. Never having been to a mountain in those days, always been a beach girl, and this places so far away, yet my heart felt so close to the place.

The video and music set the narrative for something more, there had to be, there was romance and mystery and allure about the glances and the chance meeting.

A daisy still reminds me of that one song. Go back and watch the video to see why!

But I never did find out what happened, every time I listened to this song, I was so caught up in the past, so happy with the memories that one song could bring back, of happy carefree lives, crushes, stolen glances, distant dreams.

Until today, something made me look up the song again and there it said sequel.
This is the one
Surmayi Aankhen

Music is like a time machine!
Sometimes it takes only one song to bring back a thousand memories.

Books I've read in 2020

January

1. The nightingale- Kristin Hannah
2. The little theatre by the sea- Rosanna Ley
3. Birthday girl- Haruki Murakami
4. Cutting for stone- Abraham Verghese
5. The saffron trail-Rosanna Ley

February

1. The silent patient -Alex Michaelides
2. The Great Gatsby- F Scott Fitzgerald
3. The choice Edith Eger

March

1. Murder of Roger Ackroyd- Agatha Christie

April

1. The beekeepers of Aleppo- Christie Lefteri
2. The ABC murder- Agatha Christie
3. Your perfect year Charlotte Lucas
4. Out of the silence -Eduardo Strauch

May

1. See you soon NC Marshall
2. Green lake SK Epperson
3. The tumour-John Grisham
4. Murder in the manor -Fiona Grace
5. Man's search for meaning -Viktor Frankl

June

1. Remembrance-Daniel Steele
2. A village by the sea -Anita Desai
3. Pocket full of rye- Agatha Christie

July

1. Little fires everywhere -Celeste Ng
2. Night road -Kristin Hannah
3. Where the crawdads sing -Delia Owens
4. The book woman of troublesome creek- Kim Michele Richardson
5. Between sisters -Kristin Hannah
6. Angel falls -Kristin Hannah
7. The things we do for love -Kristin Hannah
8. Everything happens for a reason and other lies I've loved -Kate Bowler
9. Magic hour -Kristin Hannah
10. Running like a girl -Alexandra Heminsley
11. Firefly lane -Kristin Hannah

August

1. The space between us -Thrity Umrigar
2. Before the coffee gets cold -Toshikazu Kawaguchi
3. Before we were yours- Lisa Wingate
4. Tell me your dreams- Sidney Sheldon
5. The great alone -Kristin Hannah
6. The Glass castle -Jeanette Walls

September

1. The tattooist of Auschwitz- Heather Morris
2. Educated -Tara Westover
3. Ask again yes - Mary Beth Keane
4. Dear Edward -Ann Napolitano

October

1. American dirt -Jeanine Cumins
2. Orphan Train -Christina Baker Kline
3. Winter garden -Kristin Hannah
4. A walk in the woods -Bill Bryson

November

1. Dutch House- Ann Pratchett
2. The Pearl -John Steinbeck
3. It doesn't have to be crazy at work -Jason Fried and David Hansson
4. The Elephant Whisperer- Lawrence Anthony 

December

1.  Anxious People- Fredrik Backman 
2. The Forty rules of love - Elif Shafak 
3. The Psychology of Money- Morgan Housel ( Current Read) 
4. The Nickel Boys - Colson Whitehead ( Current read) 

The Song of the Pearl

The man and his words

He writes as he speaks. He speaks to each and every individual one to one through his words
This makes me like his writing more.
He keeps it realistic yet imaginative.

I read his novella- The Pearl

Can money buy happiness?
Is it a guarantee for future well being?
The story is about poverty and greed.
Need and the chance of wealth.
Fate and oppression
Evil-an Inherent Nature of man.

It is depressing from start to finish, even the promise of wealth, leaves the reader with no
hopes for the family.

The story is predictable and does not say anything new about people, culture, values

It is Steinbeck's writing style and prose which has left me captivated.
He is Straightforward, Colloquial, Unpretentious, Earnest.
Even a bad story made me keep going till the end.
He weaves his words to create poetry in prose

“When Kino had finished, Juana came back to the fire and ate her breakfast. They had
spoken once, but there is not need for speech if it is only a habit anyway. Kino sighed with
satisfaction - and that was conversation.”

“Part of the far shore disappeared into a shimmer that looked like water. There was no
certainty in seeing, no proof that what you saw was there or was not there. And the people of
the Gulf expected all places were that way, and it was not strange to them.”

I am now curious to read his masterpiece - a timeless classic to appreciate better his writing
and influence on the literary world.

The Pearl- John Steinbeck

Your body is a wonderland

Left with no choice
when his hands
slowly decide
how to evoke my mind

Drawing his fingers,
feel the ridges,
his hardness
curves naturally
into my soft palms

my tangles
uncombed, wild;
his fingers, through them
playing their tune

lips meeting,
impatient, yet slow
deepening into
something more

longing, lengthening,
squirming, needing,
breathing, rushing,
quivering, craving

Eyes closed,
listening to the rise and fall of his chest;
the heavy thud of the heartbeat;
slowly melting into him

Abandon fears from the mind;
Focus on every inch of the body;
Inhibitions disappear;
Leaving cravings deep within the soul

The weight of his arms
blocking out the world
a constant reassurance
together in the moment

At times a silent prayer,
and others a whispered incantation,
Sometimes a frenzied cry,
Everything gets answered

Goodbyes are cravings for
the comfort of his arms and
just one more kiss to lose myself in
just for a little while longer........

What If's

 It’s as honest as it can get.

The hard hitting reality of a single parent and the job in hand.

A biographical movie about a teen mom, shelving her hopes and ambitions temporarily, sacrificing her dreams waiting for a day to become reality. 

The struggle is real.

Though many of us watching this movie today may not relate to the teen mom, late college goer, since it is set in the ’60’s, it still reaches out to a lot of women. 

The marriage is forced, love is a word, raising a child is a job.

Never giving up on her dreams, her purpose is what gives her the strength.

The movie is made to be funny, Drew Barrymore as the struggling mom, makes it all seem possible. The hatred she feels for herself and the life she chose, does not seem tragic because of the light hearted comedy.

Life is not perfect, there are things we do for love, there are more that we do out of a sense of obligation. 

The  movie takes us on a wild ride from being a child to mom, to working mom to student to parent and author and an eye opener.  

She is not begging for pity, she chose her life, she chose to change her life.

Beverly comes across as hard and sarcastic, unsure if she loves her kid and not sure if she wants to be a mother.

She tells her son that she has lost a lot in life because of him. For a young kid, it may not be what he likes to hear, but I could relate a lot to these truths. He grows up in a never been loved environment. 

Towards the end of the movie, when she wonders if this job ever ends, I felt it!! 

As a parent, openly expressing hurt and anger towards your child would deem cause for a call to social welfare today by someone observing this. 

But in all honesty, having faced days that make me regret decisions I have made, hopes and dreams that I unlike Beverly have still not got the courage to pursue, I wonder.  

What is this unconditional love that I am supposed to have.

She has a strange way of showing her love as most overworked parents probably do. She seems hard and selfish, in reality she is just protecting herself and her son from the hurt, I would know. This too is love.

The ultimate realisation as she talks to her dad in the last scene makes you gasp!  Her son confronts her and expressed what she always felt with her parents.  But the quick understanding and acceptance makes you tear up.

She does not wait for the What If’s

"All life is, is three or four big days that change everything"

Riding in cars with boys

Pandemic Mom

I chose the life I lead.

I repeat this every time I am plagued with self doubt and guilt and a feeling of worthlessness. Yes it happens.

I avoid the Joneses, but their chandeliers, tinkling glasses and laughter and music and flashy vacations tend to creep into your silence. 

Parenting is an art a science a daily lesson. Another job that I undertook.

Some of us learn from the best, from our own, from the ones we talk to. Many like me learn through trials and errors and wins and failures. 

As a new parent, suddenly single, 15 years ago, I never had time to think, I just went with the flow. 

Everyday I tried. Waiting for the moment, not knowing what that was. 

When I was a learner, I asked myself: 

Am I enough, Do I do enough.

I questioned everything I offered and did not or could not. 

Was I doing the right thing by holding back or giving in.

Being used to taking my decisions on my own, being solely responsible for every financial, physical, emotional need, control was my game. I expected my children to be grateful for this. 

A need to push myself ahead in my career after several sacrifices,  the need to be present at work more than at home. 

I took for granted my right to work and leave the children behind.

Balance was just a word, I do not know if I achieved it.

With a support system in place, things worked out. My daughters achieved that balance. 

When the girls were no longer physically dependent on me, I took my breaks, with my trusted friends, hoping my daughters would not deny me my freedom.

Now, 15 years later, after learning how to argue over right and wrong with an absent parent, after learning how to take decisions emphasising on the custodial right, learning how to pick my  battles, learning how to face the crowd all on my own, learning how to love unconditionally even when I feel dead inside, learning to live by lists, I am unlearning. 

“It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell me children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.” – Joyce Maynard

In 6 months, the daughter I saw off to nursery school, who cried when all others had stopped, when teachers told me not to drop her at school and see her off since she was trying to cope with abandonment issues at age 4, will be starting college. 

As I get ready for this new life, wondering if she will make it to college, while waiting for her younger sibling to graduate school the following year. I realise being home with them the whole time for the past 7 months during the pandemic, I need to unlearn. 

Control, Forcing decisions, Irrationality, Stereotyping

• It is ok to bend, you won’t break. 
• Problems exist in all relationships even with children, talk it out.
• Respect begets respect, Love returns love.
• Being honest with them, teaches them to be honest with you and others
• Say it, speak the words, I love you. I am sorry, I respect your needs.
• It is important to take walks with your children, not always rush, hurry, to classes, courses etc.
• You are enough. 

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—snap!—the job's a game!" —Mary, Mary Poppins

The Space Between

 I exit often.

Exit from social media, chatting with friends, family or stepping out for a walk

Some people take this personally and consider me asocial. Friends get hurt, family think I’m losing it. 

I exist among my own, but in silence. 

This life I live made me realise the importance of retaining my sanity and slowing down.

I need the silence to hear my voice, to feel my thoughts, listen to my soul, breathe. Silence gives me strength.

The space and distance helps me rest, recover, heal.

Everyone has their own way of doing this, some need more noise, more crowds, more friends, more socialising, some retreat to the hills, beaches, jungles.

I am not weird, I am not anti anything, am just an overworked, worried mom, daughter, person. Who is not able to get away from the people around me, 

We live in a world that is so dependent on external sources for affirmations. 

Sense of entitlement, the ability to connect at an instant. The feeling of loss when the connection is not reciprocated. 

We don’t own the people we love even if we live with them, everyone is entitled to their space

My quiet moments provide me self affirmation. 

I am not running away from my problems, I am dealing with them in my own quiet way, I know you could have helped me if I had come to you with them, but I also know I can deal with them in my own silent way

My friend sent me a message when I needed it most ”Just checking on you, hope you are well, respect that you need your space, but letting you know I am there if you need me” 

These are my soulmates

And I would do the same for them.

And I am rarely out of reach and I do meet and talk in the space between.

I always return to chatting with friends, going out for walks/ runs/ catching up with my favourite folks and plenty of smiles.

It is not wrong to take time for self preservation, it is right to spend time to rest and reset.

"Quiet the mind, heal the source"

-Tiffany Stoffer

Room Of Her Own

 My first Georgian movie

The pandemic has made me expand my horizons beyond the known French, Italian Foreign language movies.

The availability of such movies online has made it easy for me to enter into homes and lives otherwise unknown.

What is remarkable is that feelings, emotions, struggles are the same everywhere.

Love, Pain, Hurt, Anger are language agnostic!

As usual, I watch foreign language movies with no expectations, just to listen to the different audio and read hopefully the translation which captures the essence of the movie.

Very often the acting is enough to bring out the crux and emotions conveyed

The story begins with a 50 year old woman Mañana house hunting. She seems to be ok with a not so ok run down apartment on the outskirts of a town and does not question the owner/ caretaker regarding the repairs and mess the place is in.

Next it shifts to a loud crowded household, where trivial things she likes are not allowed, something pleasurable like eating cake is frowned upon. Even daily dressing is not a private affair. 

Leaving you wondering if the house she has seen is for her parents/ her husband and herself or for her married daughter and son in law or for the son who is in college.

As the story progresses and Mañana moves out of home leaving her aged parents whose house they live in, her husband, her daughter , son in law and son. She lives alone managing with her teachers income. 

Her decision is made firm when the student tells her teacher about her decision to walk out on an unequal marriage. It is a case of the teacher learning from her student. 

Manana never left her family or husband because of physical abuse or infidelity.  She feels suffocated. She lacks freedom. 

We come to learn how others around her try to control her life, including her brother, her mother who guilt trips her saying she had a ready made nanny in her which allowed her to pursue her job .

Even after moving out physically, she is emotionally available for her children, her parents, her husband still in shock on what has changed in his life 

How a chance school reunion discloses a 14 year old secret which shocks her.  

How she stands up to her beliefs, her decision, and reasoning appeals to you and the viewer is left applauding the strength of her character. 

It is a strong female centric movie, with the story being any woman’s story in any developing country, Namely India, the markets, streets, homes are eerily similar to places we have grown up in 

Even an independent thinking, financially stable woman is not allowed freedom of thought and speech and action in many households. She is never respected for the knowledge or position or wealth she brings in.

We see Mañana enjoying the silence, solitude, enjoying her piece of cake, listening to music she loves. This speaks volumes about the freedom she has finally gained.

The man, lesser in every way, gains that respect and freedom just for being man.  A patriarchal society, so common to most of us.

The movie ends with a conversation with her husband with unanswered questions about his indifference and her brothers patronising ways which no one questions. 

Few break the shackles, few take that courageous step to divorce their family.

Few decide to live their lives and not die while still breathing. 

How have you lived your life?  

My Happy Family (Chemi Bednieri Ojakhi)

Curious and Curiouser

 I felt very close to the writer as I read this memoir.

I could understand what I was experiencing, which others around me are not able to accept.

The book talks about family ties, the struggle to live as an adult with a very difficult childhood and the difficulty in cutting the same ties which shaped you. 

How does education shape you or the lack of it force you to relook at your beliefs and take charge of the situation.

Tara grew up in a strict Mormon background with her fanatic father and large sibling family. Her mom though from a very different upbringing soon adapts to ways of the hills and her husband’s beliefs. She proves to be the stronger parent and self sufficient person when she becomes the local midwife and quack with her potions to cure all ills. 

The family business being an old scrap yard and all the children of the family are initiated into this ritual from young and need to earn their stay.

Love is a questionable emotion in the household. It is exhibited in a very harsh and loud manner with blood and gore being the standard show of affection 

This was the environment in which our author grew up. She was not allowed to step inside a classroom because the father felt that the government was out to control them. They did not wear clothes which exposed skin. Their small world started and ended in rural Idaho. She did not own a birth certificate. 

How Tara escapes the system, finds herself in a world which has not known any like her. She was lucky to have roommates who were understanding, professors who see behind the person she thinks she should be.

The “homeschooling” which taught her to be tough and persevere and self reliant. 

There are several”Facts” which do not add up. The physical wounds which heal without treatment, the bones that mend, the money that pours in, the ability to become so well read when there is no basic knowledge or understanding. 

From someone who thought doing maths meant touching the pages of the book to getting accepted in Oxford and Harvard, Tara through her professors and friends looks at things in a different perspective.  

Her curiosity and eagerness to learn and catch up on lost years give her an advantage over more worldly scholars. 

How education which she seeks for herself helps change her lives and those of her family who accept the change and the lack of education which narrows the views and lives of those who refuse to change.

Some may feel shocked that a person who could be so sensible and mature in many ways, accepts the violence as her punishment for crime not committed other than being born a Mormon in the Westover family.

What did I find relatable in this book,  which is about sadness and survivalist attitude?

Playing God, self proclaimed healer, righteous, the mother’s misplaced affection for the son who is considered weak, the rough it out daughter who is supposedly stronger, religion being stronger than medicine, fault finding, doomsday conspiracy, control freaks, anti government vents. Opinionated, Suspicious, judgmental, "I know everything am always right" attitude. Guilt tripping, demeaning, disconnected conversations.  

They are so familiar to me in my daily life, the slow death I have accepted and unable to escape.
Is it affection that keeps me bound to my family and siblings, cannot be, when there is emptiness inside me, is it an irrational fear of not being accepted anywhere else or of not belonging,  should I walk out? 

Silence a constant, avoidance a necessity, fear of being ostracised for thoughts considered ungrateful, like Tara, I too stick to people who don't judge me for my lack of emotions and need to  conform. 

She won the battles she chose to fight. 

Educated- Tara Westover

 

Friends with Benefits

Call me old fashioned or a prude or just ignorant.

I did not know what the term " Friends with benefits" meant till I was well into my 30's and received a sound education after a faux pas.

Being single you are easy prey for many to consider you want this relationship. It is convenient and provides the much needed benefits without having to look very far.

Why is it so difficult for a man and woman to remain good friends without turning the relationship into a physical experiment. 

Sometimes the experiment goes awry and the relationship turns sour, if the foundation was strong the friendship survives the test of sex and becomes stronger sans any more physical attraction.

I have found good friends in the opposite sex with zero need to take it beyond that. 

I have made peace with friends where the experiment failed but the benefits of having a good true friend have continued well into the years.

It is not easy when you are needy to not want to slip back into what was once good. 

Why can't the "With benefits" in Friends with benefits be the benefit of comfort, the ease, the vulnerability?

Why should chemistry between two people always be about the sexual attraction and not remain the chemistry of friendship 

A friendship like Meredith and Alex,  Sheldon and Penny, Phoebe and Joey

I'll take one Alex in my life please. That's the kind of benefit I crave.

True Love

I think I've finally found it!! 

Baking is my therapy and during these uncertain times it has helped me not lose myself. 

The sheer joy of rolling, kneading, bloom, seeing the rise. 

Baking bread has a different smell compared to baking cakes. It fills the rooms with the natural smells, no essence, no additives, fresh, pure. 

I had tried baking buns earlier, but failed hence gave up too easily.

A different brand of yeast beckoned me from the shelves and a simpler recipe gave me courage to try again. 

Tried my favourite Cinnamon buns. 

They reminded me of Cinnabon from my stay in the US of A. 

Their cinnamon buns called to me as soon as you entered the airports and malls, when you were tired, they gave a much needed sugar high, they swirled and oozed with butter and sugar and glaze dripped on the sides. For a cinnamon lover these were heavenly, my Sri Lankan roots jumped out in joy at such times. 

I loved those buns.

From my first attempt being very conservative with the sugar glaze keeping in mind sensitive old stomachs and still to be trained young ones, I went on to try many more buns during the week with a second attempt at those buns in a week's time.

I am in love with these bite sized beauties. 

Am yet to share these with neighbours like I do my cakes, still holding onto them like a secret lover.

Pictures below of my yeast blooming- magical, the dough rising and doubling is a miracle, the browning of the bread is fulfilling. 

Its soft and fluffy within with a little hardened soaked through top.

The three cheese, rosemary and Olive bread was so flavourful with garlic creating that extra zing.

Sometimes I can find heaven at home!! 

All bakes between 26th August to 2nd September

Photographs by my daughter

                                               

                                                           

                              

                                      

                                                      

                       

                 

Sound of Music

Some movies are watched for their storyline, some for their creative depiction of life, some for the portrayal by the actors, some for their visual effects.

A few for their soundtrack.

Not the background music, but the right songs at the right time, with the lyrics hitting you in the gut when it comes on air. Where music plays an integral part of the story line. 

I have my favourites among these from the movies I have been watching. 

Here are my top five, I mostly tried staying away from Musicals

1) 500 Days of Summer 

It is not a love story!  Summer is quirky, full of life, Tom is in love.

It is a complicated relationship for Tom, not realising season’s change.

The film stars Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel, both my favourites. 

My favourites from the movie are 

“ Sweet Disposition” 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uhBdBg9ISZU

And  Regina Spektor’s “US” 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIAJx_NdLIw

Refer: 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt1022603/soundtrack

2) Sweet November (2001) 

Again not a love story, starring a very troubled Keanu Reeves and playful Charlize Theron.

A mixed feelings movie, leaves you confused and troubled. 

No one wants a love with so much uncertainty and pain, yet seeing transformation within and creating hope, one starts believing in love. 

The movie failed at the box office and received a lot of negative reviews. 

The soundtrack elevated it and redeems Keanu Reeves in this tearjerker. 

My favourites are 

Enya’s “Only time”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9eP5N5J1yc

It’s not goodbye

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob9h-EJghGc

Refer: 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0230838/soundtrack

3)10 Things I Hate About You

What’s not to Love!!

Not an adult movie, its for young adults, young love, school kids. 

A teen comedy depiction of Taming of the Shrew 

The storyline is funny, predictable and the characters are all loveable. Even the shrew.

A feel good movie, leaves you rooting for them to hook up! 

The music and Julia Stiles, Heath Ledger, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Larisa Oleynik combination make it a perfect 10 

Can’t take my eyes off you - my favourite PDA

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S7N6kB11GpE

Bad reputation 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bbQXeRnwNF0

Watch, Listen 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0147800/soundtrack

4)Chemical Hearts

This is the latest movie I watched and was I impressed

By the bold movie and the heartbreaking soundtrack! 

Austin Abrams and Lili Reinhart in a Teenage love, melodrama, heartache, the neurological effects of heartbreak.
It is raw, love is not always sweet, it is real and has flaws. Some of us know how to love again, some of us can struggle in accepting someone new

This is the song that keeps playing 

 Take care by Beach House 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=6&v=N5kKenry2kU&feature=emb_logo

We stayed up all night: Tourist 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKcvvctqNrI

This is what impressed me

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt5843876/soundtrack?ref_=tt_trv_snd

5) Top Gun

Nothing was needed to elevate this movie, other than Tom Cruise being his sassy sexy self.

I swooned every time he smiled, I smiled when he did.

He took my breath away. 

My first infatuation! 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fUis9yny_lI

The anthem, gives me goosebumps 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVNQGUkRX_U

Listen to them 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092099/soundtrack

6)Coyote Ugly ( extra extra) 

Should not be part of this, but it is a musical comedy and I had a disclaimer mentioned earlier that this list is not for musicals.
The movie flopped, Rotten tomatoes trashed it,. Roger Egbert was not kind.
Piper Perabo, Adam Garcia, John Goodman, Maria Bello and Tyra Banks
Irrespective of the weak story line, poor acting, predictable end, the music by Lee Ann Rimes reached platinum class

Can’t fight the moonlight is one of my all time favourites
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9qJ51LQwQ4

And then there is this:
Walking away is never easy, But this one and the lyrics will always remain close to my heart
Please remember
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2HaEUFGX40

More here
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0200550/soundtrack

There are plenty more that I could list, some hold faint memories from when I watched those movies, the music lingers longer.

Adding one more to this list on 9th Dec

7) After we Collided

The movie is not the best of the lot on Netflix, but the soundtrack is mind blowing!!

Love gone wrong, messed up, sexed up! 

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt10362466/

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1hLzXPKFYv1PPKq9UIT7ZK