The Journey So Far

Week 0: WFH is a must. It will help get the rest I need as well as get so much done

Week 1-2: Oh this is what I always wanted, I am working so much without unnecessary disruptions, family time!!  Hugs and chatting with kids.

Week 3-4: I can save up all my vacation time and use them later, productivity is at its max and I have completed all my pending tasks 

Week 5-6: Is it safe to go to office just for an hour, how does my mother think I can do the dishes, cook, clean and work> 

Week 7-8: How can I avoid this call? Why do they trouble me so much with just a query?

Week 9-10: My family hates me, I hate my family, I miss my desk and chair, the noisy open office is better than the constant noise of calls, my kids classes, the TV my parents watch

Week 11-12:  What day is it? Does it matter? The whole week feels like one long day

Week 13-14: Oh my office clothes are missing me, maybe I should get dressed in my office clothes today? let me rearrange my cupboard

Week 15-16: My back hurts, my eyes ache, ears are sore, thighs feel like lead, I wish I had a feature phone, can I have my coffee hot and in peace at least one day 

I am surrounded by people at home, luckily we moved into a larger apartment 1 1/2 years ago and the extra room has been a relief. 

Teens are not entertaining, old parents are not very reasonable, there are days I doubt my love for my family. 

I yearn for an escape into another world I don't know exists>  A world without laptop, internet, Phones, Network.

There is just no way to switch off!

I experimented with turning off notifications and turning the phone on silent mode after 7:00 PM, this made me miss few important calls. 

Never again, My job is to be there for my people

My phone rules my life!!  I hug my laptop more often than my kids.

I miss seeing people, the inability to read people’s body language, its a trade off between video calls and allowing their bandwidth to stretch for a little longer 

I am exhausted. This life is exhausting. Working is exhausting. After working, maintaining a home is even more exhausting. Cooking and cleaning after is exhausting. Waking up everyday to the same thing and going through it all over again is exhausting  

I crave sleep, but insomnia is my best friend ( only??) these days So I watch movies, read books, lie awake staring into the darkness

Week 17-18: Work from home fatigue is real.

WFH is over rated ... it’s very difficult to get work done.

Perfect Strangers

Why do some people still venture out despite the pandemic, even with lockdown in place, there were crowds on the roads.

The government has opened up everything to the public,  allowing us to decide for ourselves what is safe and right to do.

So we go wherever we want, sometimes remaining cautious, we are not fully back yet to the way we were before.

My daughters miss their friends, seeing them, going out with them, the hugs, the carefree times, sitting at pizzerias and eating their favourite food, sleepovers, random window shopping. They can name the friends they miss, the places they miss.

It is different for me, I don't have any particular friend or activity I miss. I am not yearning for a person to talk to or "hang out with"

No, I am not video chatting with my friends or constantly talking to them or messaging them. 

But I do miss" People"  The general crowd I watch as I go to work, the cobbler who used to sit near the vegetable shop, the pani puri seller whom I never patronised , the crowds around his stall, the push cart chow-mein seller at night with his dank oily noodles, I miss the random people waiting for a cup of hot tea at the darshini next to our apartment. Even the drunk tottering on the road causing nuisance to passing walkers.

They were all part of my life as I knew it. The life I hated, the crowds, the unhygienic conditions, the noise they made, despised them for crowding the footpaths, blocking my path, the garbage strewn on the roads in the morning.  

They were the extras in my life, beyond siblings, parents, kids and colleagues. The ones we love to hate, but realise we miss most. I do not miss going to a play or concert or a movie, those were the elite class, and a luxury I indulged in occasionally.  I miss seeing people who were part of my normal life, the desperate crowd which survived on the streets.

I remember my first visit to the Americas.  The first few days of snow, quiet, silence were enthralling, like I lived in a winter wonderland, I welcomed the silence after living in a noisy city. Once the weekend was gone and I was alone at home,  the silence was new to me, there were no horns blaring, no brakes shrieking, no kids screaming, I did not see people, no one came out, looking out of my bedroom window I saw blankness, whiteness, stark, empty. Lovely apartments, well kept roads, but no people.  I went a whole week without seeing anyone other than my husband.  I waited for the weekend, I waited for spring, waiting for the people to come out. I waited for strangers whom I had never seen!!  And I had left my familiar home, job for my husband, so why did that not keep me satisfied?  

That is how I feel now. During the first few days of lockdown the silence was welcome, the staying at home was celebrated with gratitude, we allowed ourselves to get sucked into a " new normal”  There was peace and solitude, that we once chased after and seemed unattainable. Family time was precious. 

That same peace and solitude now seeps into our skins, our heart, our mind, turns into depression, it has become normal to mention that word, We miss people, the ones who are part of our daily mundane life we once hated. We are miserable without people.

I do not miss friends, I miss the act of sitting in a restaurant and watching others,  the companionship they offer being so far away but being in close proximity, I miss the comfort a waiter offers when he comes and asks me if I am enjoying my meal. "Thank you" mouthed when someone comes in to clean the table for me.

We take these for granted at home, we cook, we clean, we serve, there is no second thought to all this. We take our people for granted, never grateful for the company we still have.  We are dead inside, and feel alive when we go outside. 

Today movies and books offer me the solace I seek, the people I do not get to see, I see them through movies, walk along with them in my books. 

Social interactions with the known and unknown has been the key to our survival since millions of years. Many strangers  have contributed to this survival and living. Overcoming our primal urge to socialise goes against our evolutionary conditioning. The spread of the virus has capitalised on this inherent nature of people. 

The lockdown has taught me that I need variety and I feed off the energy of society, including the ones whose lives have never intersected in ours and just being an audience in the sanctimonious and ostentatious society.

The stigma of the virus has made my society disappear. The extras in our lives left affected and scared. 

"Maybe we're perfect strangers

Maybe it's not forever

Maybe the night will change us

Maybe we'll stay together

Maybe we'll walk away

Maybe we'll realize

We're only human

Maybe we don't need no reason?

Perfect Strangers- Jonas Blue

Love Is All You Need

Why is letting go such a difficult  process?

Most soulful ballads are about the pain of letting go of an unrequited love, of a lost love, death of a loved one.

Holding onto grief, sorrow is treasured, we can never accept another's kind words when they ask us to let go.

Letting go of something /someone you love is never easy.

But sometimes it is necessary to help the other person grow and lead a better life, holding on to them only holds them back.

We Indians are familiar with the difficulty in letting go, we are by nature hoarders. 

Of  kid cycles long after they have outgrown them, their books, irons which don't work, clothes that may one day fit again, feelings, emotions, our grown up children.

I have grown up children, almost nearing the college going age. 

My daughter tells me " Ma, I'm 17", she still wants her cuddles, comes for a hug, Won't lift a finger to help around at home, I have been around always to do things for her, often ignoring my own priorities and needs to ensure I'm there for her. This is common of most moms I know, though we deny that we control them and are growing independent children, we know we want to hold them close to us as long as possible. 

We worry about how they would manage in the big bad world all by themselves, yet we know they need to go out and fight the wolves. I also know they need to go out, fend for themselves, experience more than what I can offer. I do know there are adversities we have faced together and overcome them for now, still unsure of what the future has in store and can she manage on her own.

Going by the movie plot, I thought I would cry my heart out, surprisingly I did not, the approach of the director to not make it an emotional melodrama, but more of a focused plan to succeed made this movie memorable for me.

Set in the mid 40's with poverty and difficulty post war affecting daily living, the large Mississippi family also faces one more struggle- a "Mongoloid Idiot" a newborn with Down’s syndrome.

Back in those years of struggle, many did not have the means or understanding to raise a child who needed so much support. Jewel, the main protagonist, the mom, takes things in her control, defies the experts who declare the baby won't survive beyond 2 years and dedicates her life to serving her different child at the expense of the well being and care of her other children.

Jewel firmly believes that with enough love, she can turn around the disabilities and cure the child. She urges the family to trust in that and picks on the nanny when she does not support that belief. 

Yet they manage, they all survive the struggling years, the family moves to California to give a better life to the special child. They stick together, love each other through the many adversities they continue to face.

Jewel's real struggle comes when she needs to make a decision to let go of the daughter she has taken care of always, met her every need, loving, but fearful all the time.

Watch it to renew your faith in love, though love did not make the child whole mentally and physically, but held the family together and created a safe haven for the well loved child.

A mother's yearning to hold back, the struggle to let go, knowing it's not going to be easy, but trusting that it will be the best for her daughter. 

Jewel- a TV movie.

Lockdown love

Baking is an expansive addiction.

It expands your waist, your butt, your face.               

It is expensive as well. 

Baking is cathartic. 

It requires focus to get the ingredients right, a mix up somewhere can cause disaster.

It requires order, sugar, butter, eggs and flour in the right proportions, a firm whisk, a strong mix and the special ingredients to get the final result.

Why do I bake? 

Is it for the method, the precision?    

Or maybe for the way it helps me relax when my brain is overworked?

Or for the aroma the house fills with making me forget the everyday worries.

it reminds me of tradition, of smells grew up with, making me recollect what was familiar.

It must be the joy of cooking something everyone loves.

It brings back memories of days when they were babies and I baked for my pleasure. 

I also bake because my daughters are losing what they were once familiar with.  

The exams, final year of school, hanging out with friends, movie times.

I bake because the process brings me closer to them, there is a familiarity in the smell that comes from the kitchen.

It is a momentary comfort , memory of good times.

I bake because I can't make the uncertainty go away, but I can make them certain of my love.

I bake them naked, raw, no icing, no frosting, there are no covers to hide the flaws that we are exposed to as we stay home. 

I bake for their smile, for their pleasure.

I bake to create more happy memories.                                       

                            

    

The Homecoming

The man got off the bus after traveling more than 3000 kms, tired, unsure.

Years of living in the city has changed him, he is uncertain of what lies ahead for him in the place he once called home.

His friend from when he lived in the village greets him, he meets his old parents, whom he should be excited seeing after almost 8 years, but the excitement is marred by the fear and the situation which has made him return.

He meets old friends, they seem content in their simple ways. There is no desire for power.

His life in contrast has been contaminated by the privileges city life had to offer and money brought.

Forced to make this move, causes the old familiar ways to to turn distasteful, 

What was taken for granted in the city in his past life has now become non-existent. 

Simple pleasure of mobile connectivity, watching television are not seen as a necessity but a waste of time. 

Loss of his well paid job makes him depressed and scared.

The customs and traditions of his village, the one he grew up in, now irk him.

Butter tea, a staple of the hill people, now puts him off after feasting on the city’s cutting chai

Crossing a small stream by walking over a log — an everyday ritual for the residents of this area — is suddenly very difficult for him.

His parents want him to stay back in the remote village, they have a farm, they have a livelihood.

The life his parents want for him is that of a cow's or a pig's: a life full of routine and without any adventure.

He rebels, he buys a TV, he buys a car. He wants his old life back, in his new surrounding.

Slowly he accepts and remembers, he settles into a routine, finding purpose in teaching at the government school.

Taking on his father's duties on the farm, he now finds within, acceptance of his village and  customs and love for the people and land he had left behind. 

He crosses the bridge with ease. 

This is a familiar tale of many Indians , the migrant labourer forced to seek better opportunities in the city, living a life of comfort and luxury, compared to the struggles of a small village in the hills.

Now in the current economic situation, forced to leave the city, they crave the old, silently accept the new.

I'm sure many can empathise with Tashi as he struggles to settle down to a slower paced lifestyle having tasted the energy of urban India.

The movie is about stillness, its simple beautiful surroundings accentuated by the simplicity of the lives of people. 

The remoteness of the village reminds us how these folks consider places like Mumbai to be a foreign land. 

But for many of us living in the city, these remote hilly scapes are sought after, we run towards them seeing them as a foreign and exotic.

It is about finding your roots, accepting change and adapting the new to the old ways. 

For me, while I think about a homeland far away, the search for meaning and purpose in one’s own roots strikes a chord and makes me determined to follow up on my dream.

Crossing Bridges is the first movie to have been made in the Arunachali dialect of Shertukpen and the village where this is filmed serves as a window to not just a place that few recognise, but also to a different way of life.

A Family Affair

"Christmas won't be Christmas without any presents, grumbled Jo, lying on the rug.

It's so dreadful to be poor! sighed Meg, looking down at her old dress.

I don't think it's fair for some girls to have plenty of pretty things, and other girls nothing at all, added little Amy, with an injured sniff.

We've got Father and Mother, and each other, said Beth contentedly from her corner."

Jo the hot tempered tomboy, Meg the sweet natured romantic, Amy childish spoilt brat , Beth the shy musical prodigy.

I followed their lives glassy eyed as an impressionable 12 year old.

Yes, I too wanted to be Jo, I wanted to be a writer! 

I wanted sisters, I envied my friends who had that bond.

Even though this book reads a bit old fashioned given the societal norms of the time during and after the Civil war, overall,  there are universal and timeless messages about the bonds of family, morality, gratitude and love. 

The struggle for girls and women to be themselves while following convention is an experience that resonates even today.

Young readers may find the domesticity in the book unnecessary but it was and is still necessary for people to have domestic skills or they could not and still cannot survive. 

Of course it's easy to fall in love with Laurie and I wished Jo had married him, but then the story would have changed directions 

“I do think that families are the most beautiful things in all the world!” The March family has their own hopes and needs and fears. They sacrifice, support each other, cry together, and survive their losses. 

Support at times also means acceptance of the other standing in the way of your dreams. 

I learnt from their lives. 

While sitting home under a lockdown during the COVID pandemic, the whole family is together all the time. Friends and outside connections mattered more.

We are frustrated, the freedom which came easy and taken for granted, now has been curbed.

The first month was difficult where everyone tried to find their own space, getting on each other's nerves, each one's peculiar habits causing irritation, small issues blown out of proportion.

Now we have all settled into a comfortable routine , accepting the peculiarities as individualities. Allowing the habits to grow on you. 

We still have our differences, but now they don't turn into arguments. 

The family matters. 

A very progressive book for the era it has been set in, the girls much ahead of their times with their thinking and giving.

If you believe love conquers all, you will enjoy this book.

And I finally watched the movie adaptation.

My imagination as a young kid was wild, still is.

The movie caters to that remaining faithful to its roots. The film moves between two timelines as flashbacks, which the book does not.

For a first timer who has not read the book, it may take a while to relate the two. 

The dialogues are simple and conversations and acting reflect the emotion the book allowed readers to experience.

The ending with Jo being decisive is a lovely touch.

Not all women have to be sacrificial lambs, she stood for what she wanted and got the best of both worlds. 

This slight twist will go well with the feminists and the go-getters.

All the actors have played their part well, bringing to life for me the story read years ago.

Timothee Chalamet plays the playboy role so well as Laurie with his childish charm, easy to fall in love.

Greta Gerwig's adaptation pays a wonderful tribute to the literary classic and deserves a watch.

Little Women- Louisa May Alcott/ Greta Gerwig