When The Morning Comes

Aging is a natural process, but for a child to see their parents whom you always thought would be invincible, to look broken and in pain, is not easy.

But yet we accept that this too shall pass.

Along with aging, comes the natural process of illness, lethargy and a general sense of slowness. 

We deal with this as well. 

Conversations are around doctors, treatments, medications, alternate therapy, prayer and servitude. 

Once you have learnt to accept it all and deal with it; be prepared for the worst, comes another show stopper.

As an adult, we go through the pain of seeing our parents suffer and suffer along with our children when they fall ill. 

As a single parent, I bear the pain twice over. 

In December, when my daughter had her first seizure, I was upset, scared and worried. 

We listened to the doctor's advice and followed it well.

Nights were not dreadful, we still snuggled and cuddled.

Soon, the month passed, with not much fear. 

Till the next one struck, This time much more stronger and fearsome. 

A flurry of doctor's visits 

 (Here it helped having an appointment booked for my dad weeks in advance with a hard to get general physician)

And then within the same day, yet another one.

All at night, while sleeping.

Shaking me awake, the cries waking the younger one as well and rest of the household.

A midnight rush to emergency to help calm the nerves, 

come back to the younger one hit by shock. Fever, stomach pain, in tears.

A night of throwing up, sleeplessness and fear. 

Would the night never end, 

Is it morning yet was the question

Next day saw me running to doctors, clinics,labs, 

All tests show normalcy,

Then why this abnormality?

My mother refuses to accept reality, refuses to mouth the word epilepsy.

Grandparents suddenly seem to have aged even more in the past 2 weeks.

Their illness seems nothing compared to what has hit the young one.

One who struggled to walk, now drags himself to the doctor with the grandchild. 

Anti seizure medications are prescribed.

But still sleep eludes the two.

Nothing calms them at night, the rituals take longer.

There are dazed looks of fear by night time.

Dinner is nibbled at, only to get thrown up.

Stomach constantly upset. 

The trauma does not end there.

Bed time, once something they looked forward to, now does not seem so much fun.

They stay away, till forced into it, eyes refusing to shut, holding tight onto my hands, refusing to sleep.

This goes on for a week, nothing seems to ease their fear.

One day, exhausted,they sleep, but only briefly, even a slight twitch or movement causes them to jump up awake.

We can feel the stress and we know we should not be going through it.

The question " Why " remains unanswered.

Is it the stress? lack of less sleep? insufficient hydration? not enough exercise? too much sugar? obsessive screen time? Childhood trauma? Vitamin deficiency?

We don't know, we can guess and eliminate or increase as needed. 

I get angry, blame myself for not giving her a normal family environment.

Should I take her to a psychiatrist?

There are mixed reactions from friends- plenty of advice on what I could do or not, What I should do or not, and not without its fair share of pointing fingers about wrong parenting, wrong parent, etc etc. 

In the past 2 weeks, slowly, things are calming down, 

we sleep for 4 hours now, rest of the time goes in holding hands, hugging and lying wide awake. 

We follow a strict bed time routine, 

Prayers,
Medicines

Go to bed at a particular time, wake up early,

Get some physical activity now, slowly planning to increase it.

Plenty more water 

Less screen time.

No sugar, no caffeine. 

For a 15 years old, on the threshold of adulthood and independence, to be faced with a challenge like this, this is quite depressing. She dreams of being able to walk confidently and enjoy the life of independence she chooses.

But I know, we need to face it and accept it and live with it, for an adult who has seen enough worries and overcome them it is a little easier to face.

But for a child, it becomes difficult, there is anger and frustration. 

There is fear of being ostracised among peers in the constantly changing friends circle,

Being a teen is difficult and to be carrying a tag of being "epileptic" and not knowing when one will hit you is even more scarier. 

I will do what it takes to support her.

I will be there for her to lead a life of normalcy.

I will teach my younger daughter that this is part of life and she is not her sister's caregiver, yet show her love and support her in her suffering. 

Hey!

Let it go, this too shall pass

(You know you can't keep lettin' it get you down. No, you can't keep lettin' it get you down)

OK Go

This too shall pass

Kinder Than Is Necessary

It's all about the kindness.

We are constantly questioning ourselves on whether we have been too kind to people who don't deserve it or if we are being taken for a ride by people who decide to take it for granted.

We all universally accept we are kind. 

This book is seen through the eyes of children. 

This book talks about kindness.

Being kind during any adversity is not easy and does not come naturally to many. 

Through the eyes of children, we as adults learn that kindness starts with us.

A little boy, normal by most standards, a Star Wars fan, a happy family, love and laughter.

And So much pain.

“Courage. Kindness. Friendship. Character. These are the qualities that define us as human beings, and propel us, on occasion, to greatness.” 

I picked up this book, after the movie was released. 

My daughter finished it in a day.

I took my time to savour the characters and understand the pain that being kind brought.

Going through my own worries, this taught me how a boy whose life was a struggle, could face it so calmly, I could do it too.

“Now that I look back, I don't know why I was so stressed about it all this time. Funny how sometimes you worry a lot about something and it turns out to be nothing.” 

Mr. Browne's precepts are something teachers should follow across all schools.

These are amazing truths to live by, so much that a child can bring home and share and get adults to follow as well.

For a 10 year old,living with a deformity, that made people squirm and turn away, to face life and march on, come what may, takes the kind of kindness to oneself way above any level of kindness. 

Just being kind to oneself, makes us kinder towards others. 

“If every person in this room made it a rule that wherever you are, whenever you can, you will try to act a little kinder than is necessary - the world really would be a better place. And if you do this, if you act just a little kinder than is necessary, someone else, somewhere, someday, may recognize in you, in every single one of you, the face of God.” 

Everything we read or see, we associate with our own struggles and lives, so I did with this too. 

I ask myself, when in need of a friend, " Have I been a friend?" Do not seek, unless you have offered. 

“It’s not enough to be friendly. You have to be a friend.” 

The book is so full of wonder! So filled with love, 

This goes out to all of us, who cry and complain about silly mundane stuff, but act like we don't complain, but yet say others always do.

“Its not a contest about whose days suck the most. The point is we all have to put up with the bad days.” 

This is who he is. An ordinary kid, leading an extraordinary life, inspiring others to be kinder than kind.

“It's like people you see sometimes, and you can't imagine what it would be like to be that person, whether it's somebody in a wheelchair or somebody who can't talk. Only, I know that I'm that person to other people, maybe to every single person in that whole auditorium. 

To me, though, I'm just me. An ordinary kid.” 

This is the precept that touches all of us, especially Julian at the end! And what a lovely way to end the story.

“The most important precept is to be aware of WHO WE ARE!

“Who we are,” he said, underlining each word as he said it. “Who we are! Us! Right? What kind of people are we? What kind of person are you? Isn’t that the most important thing of all? Isn’t that the kind of question we should be asking ourselves all the time? “What kind of person am I?

Learning who you are is what your are here to do.” 

And to end:

“There are always going to be jerks in the world, Auggie,” she said, looking at me. “But I really believe, and Daddy really believes, that there are more good people on this earth than bad people, and the good people watch out for each other and take care of each other.” 

I do hope I can be kinder than kind, everyday. The book inspires and makes you want to be that!

Must read for all ages!

―Wonder R.J. Palacio

It's All About The Running.

I have a dream.

Ultra marathon! Someday! 

Maybe it's every marathoners dream. A natural progression.

I carried this book while traveling to run a marathon.

Hoping it would give me some inspiration.

This is not that kind of book. 

It does not give any tips on how to build endurance or strength.

No plans to prepare yourself for an ultra marathon.

Not the kind of diet plan or schedule to follow.

It's more about the races he runs, the hellish conditions, the support from family and an ego boosting journey.

The inspiration I gained was about never giving up. To complete against all odds. 

True, he is a legend in the running circles for having attempted the various to hell and back races he has participated in and for running across all 50 states in the US. 

Another Forrest Gump, but without the humour and simplicity.

I do agree that marathoners have a more disciplined, balanced life, but reading the book makes me wonder if with that kind of running, you would have time for anything else. 

I struggle to balance training and work and family with my minimal running plans.

Promoting a 4 hour sleep plan, running in between meetings, seems extreme to me. He also talks about other extreme endurance sports interests of his.

He is completely immersed in his pursuit of passion.

Socialising, family time, TV time are also part of balance. 

The energy you have can be expended in other ways too.

He seems beyond human at this point.

If you are looking for inspiration to run a marathon, maybe yes, this book may help, but without right guidance it remains a dream, not a goal.

What did resonate with me is that he does not talk about his running life at work, he keeps it separate. And it's like a secret life he leads.

It's my secret too, as much as I try and inspire people to lead a healthy life and stay fit and follow their passion,I try to keep my races to myself and avoid talking about it at work. 

Towards the end of the book, we do see a purpose in his life, where he puts his running to good use for society. 

This I liked and makes him more human. 

“The human body has limitations; the human spirit is boundless.” 

― Dean Karnazes, Ultramarathon Man: Confessions of an All-Night Runner

Save The Best For Last

The years are creeping up on me.

It shows up when my mom passes a comment on her aching chest, her throbbing knees.

It reminds me when my dad limps from a foot fracture which never healed properly.

It talks to me through my daughter who wants to go out for lunch with her friends without a chaperone.

It tells me when I struggle to stay awake late into the night trying to compile a spreadsheet.

It follows me when I hear my parents make frequent doctors appointments.

It stares at me when I look at my rising medical costs and insurance premiums I pay.

It whispers through the pain and fear I notice when I have to travel leaving the family behind.

It yells at me when I make plans for extra home tutoring and external classes for board exams soon to start.

So, I told myself, this will be my last.

Considered the Mecca of Marathoners, the Holy Land for many runners, renamed recently as Tata Mumbai Marathon, the race beckoned me this year.

This had to be the year, since the following years would be taken over by the stress and responsibility of parenting and exam fears.

Tickets booked in advance, registrations, hotels all confirmed.

Having heard so much about the humidity and the amazing spirit of Mumbai, it was something I had to experience for myself.

Training plans were made keeping the D-day in mind.

Short races were planned to prepare mind and body.

Schedules were kept to prevent any injury.

Not everything can be controlled, so it happened that some tweaks in training had to be worked in. Acceptance of what is, but not defeat. 

Decided to do it, come what may!!

More fear, less excitement, the usual self doubts.

We Banglorians are a spoilt lot when it comes to the weather.

The weather conditions as soon as I headed out to the expo, made me realise I was not prepared for the heat.

No amount of water would quench the thirst, I could feel the sweat dripping down inside my cotton T-shirt, making me fear the next day's run.

Had to stay away from the outdoors for the rest of the evening and conserve all my energy, I prayed for strength to see me through.

I started out strong, confident from all the months of training, but ill-prepared for the humidity. Within a hour of start, I was soaked in perspiration. I had been drinking so much water, my stomach was filling up and the water was swishing around.

Not the right way to run a long distance.

I slowed down, hoping the humidity would reduce with the sun coming out. 

It did, only to increase the heat.

Unnaturally hot day for Mumbai in January, the sun was unkind.

I walked down the Sea Link, realising I would not be able to push myself to my time goal.

Tried to take it slow and focus on completion, rather than risk cramping and dehydration. 

Therein started the long arduous journey towards the finish line.

I decided not to think of the distance covered or the kms still ahead of me, but to run in the moment.

I saw runners passing me, felt no compulsion to beat them, but run my own race. 

At the 32nd mark is when my body felt the full force of the blazing sun. 

I by now had fully experienced the much spoken about heat and humidity of Mumbai.

My body gave up. 

This is when the spirit of Mumbai showed up in full force. 

Amazing support from every Mumbaikar on the route. 

They came out with oranges, salt, jaggery, candies, encouraging placards, ice, pain relief sprays, water, lime and more important words of encouragement. Big Smiles! 

I could not give up.

Not when there were hundreds of people out there believing in me, helping me on my way. 

This is where the mind takes over.

It's such a powerful tool! 

Every step became a success.

I told myself this race was for all the people who never give up, for the many who could not, yet persevere.

For those who believe. 

I ran with my heart!

It's true that anyone can run 20 miles, its the next 6 that count! and you go all out to do all you can to make it count!! 

I made my way towards the finish, every km a win.

Cheering others on, smiling at the supporters, made it all much more easier. 

The finish was worth it all!!

The person who starts the race is not the same person who finishes the race.

A marathon can truly humble you. 

There were several times I wish it were different,

When the runner stands in front of a dustbin or when he goes behind a standee and pees in it, 

When he throws the water bottle after just a swig of water right there on the road as he runs, 

When he dumps the ORS tetra-pak outside the dustbin, not caring that the bin is so close by.

When he decides to shake his sweaty brow right onto the runner next to him.

When the organisers dump the medal into a bag and hand it over after you wait in a queue  so far away instead of awarding it to you at the finish line.

When there is no breakfast served after a run which saps your mind and body.

When an early start would have helped avoid the direct beating of the sun.

Yet, 

there are many reasons to run it-

The challenge; the high; the smiles and grimaces of fellow runners; the magic of Mumbai;

Old friends and new.

Mary R. Wittenberg, former president, New York Road Runners Club:

"A marathoner is a marathoner regardless of time. Virtually everyone who tries the marathon has put in training over months, and it is that exercise and that commitment, physical and mental, that gives meaning to the medal, not just the day’s effort, be it fast or slow.  It's all in conquering the challenge."

Full House

2017 saw 2 more dwellers in my already small apartment.

They, like the proverbial camel in the tent, slowly inched their way into our home.

Of course, just like the Arab, I too allowed my emotions get in the way of sense and paid the price for it.

No, I did not get kicked out like the Arab, we still have found space to stick together.

First came Guilt.

He came in slowly, over a period of time, in the form of seemingly innocuous remarks, the open comments. The definite No's and the silent stares.

Guilt causes arguments at home, is loud, makes everyone angry. Never a good moment around with him. Yet, love can silence Guilt.

So it was that my usual meeting friends for dinner, reduced over a period of time

I did not want to have dinner with Guilt.

Then came Fear.

In many cases, with old parents at home, she stays for a long time. 

Comes suddenly, with just one sickness, a fall, the constantly failing memory.

Fear is never addressed directly. Fear remains silent but Fear is a constant. 

Fear does not differentiate between ages. Love cannot quieten Fear. It creates more space in your home for her.

Today, we exist together. Most days are quiet and peaceful, knowing they are moving around in the background. 

Ever so often, one shows up loud and nasty.

Then the already Full House becomes claustrophobic with more of theirs visiting - Anger, Frustration, Hate, Self Pity,  Exhaustion. 

2018, I look forward to slowly moving out my squatters. Forcing them into a corner and edging them out.

Look forward to more space for myself and my own. 

Creating space for Peace and Acceptance instead.

Two People

A free verse book. 

Never read one before.

Two sided.

Two hearts

Two brains 

Two of most.

But waist down

One below.

Grace and Tippi

A very quick and easy read.

The words linger longer in your heart.

Their image swims before your eyes.

You smile thinking they could be normal.

You cry that they are not.

I share their daily struggle, wishing I could be there!

There is so much inside them

Fear, anger, hate, pride, 

Yet, lot of love.

Exploring their feelings, 

Emotions and hormones work like you and me

Physical needs are but normal.

But they are not, are they?

There is also another one.

The one who is normal

Forced to accept the abnormally at home and in her life.

Does anyone understand her struggles as well?

Friends are not easy,

Life becomes a show

One heart goes slow.

Decisions to be taken

Never easy for anyone 

They are still kids with their dreams and desires.

Some consider it a success

But never is it the same for that ONE.

“Around here normal is a slur,' he says, 'Deep down everyone wants to be a star and normal is the road to nothingness.” 

One by Sarah Crossan

Uncomplicated Us

This morning as I got ready to go to work, a hundred thoughts running in my mind, clearing the house for the painters to do their job, to avoid much lifting and work for my parents, rushing kids to shake the weekend lethargy and get ready for school, asking questions, giving pointers. A quick check of e-mails and messages, to make sure I have not missed something important. 

Chaos. Most days, it is chaos. This is my non running days. I know things are quieter at home when am not around.

The fear of missing something, losing control, leaving behind unfinished work for others to complete, makes most working moms anxious and worried. 

And we strive to balance work and other's life and self.

With 2 weeks to Christmas and the house in a disarray, shopping to be completed, baking, project deadlines, all overwhelming.

I step out of home, later than usual, a hot winter day.  Trying to attract the attention of an auto for my 7 minute ride to work, with my laptop, work out clothes, lunch, snack and several jumbled thoughts weighing me down as well, I ask myself, what do I want. 

I look at passing cars occupied by elegantly coiffured women with their laptops open, luxurious bags, manicured hands around expensive phones in chauffeur driven cars, everything screaming out luxury and wonder what would they want?

Do I want what they have? 

Many years ago, when I had started my working life, my priorities were clear- my wants were materialistic in nature- Computer, Car and House. 

And I went ahead and made them mine.

Today, my needs are different. Am I the only one? 

I reached out to some of my friends and ask them what they want as a woman today.

There were the cheeky 40+ women's answers as well as very understated and simple needs. 

Very few wanted diamonds and materialistic gifts,  most were looking for an enriched soul and wholesome life.

Many moms wanted more family time, some just wanted their grown up teenagers to be babies again. 

Wanted the newly married feeling back in their lives to enjoy the spontaneity with their spouses. 

Not have to hide our wrinkles and age spots and to wear our greys with grace. 

Be respected and accepted by our co-workers and family when we go through our pre-menopausal mood swings! We are kind and strong people, we too have our moments. 

We are ambitious and career oriented, support our late night calls, meetings, work we bring home.

More shared responsibility at home from our kids and spouses. Pick up after yourself.. Even ordering in involves laying the table, washing and cleaning up.

Want our kids to know we are human and have emotions and can have a break down. We yell, yes, because we love more than our heart allows. 

Be supported for our sudden urges to "be different" 

Calm our fears, they are not unfounded.

Hugs, holding hands, quiet time. Gentle massages, Listen when we talk. My time.

Talk! 

The occasional diamonds are accepted.

Is it too much to ask?