When The Morning Comes

Aging is a natural process, but for a child to see their parents whom you always thought would be invincible, to look broken and in pain, is not easy.

But yet we accept that this too shall pass.

Along with aging, comes the natural process of illness, lethargy and a general sense of slowness. 

We deal with this as well. 

Conversations are around doctors, treatments, medications, alternate therapy, prayer and servitude. 

Once you have learnt to accept it all and deal with it; be prepared for the worst, comes another show stopper.

As an adult, we go through the pain of seeing our parents suffer and suffer along with our children when they fall ill. 

As a single parent, I bear the pain twice over. 

In December, when my daughter had her first seizure, I was upset, scared and worried. 

We listened to the doctor's advice and followed it well.

Nights were not dreadful, we still snuggled and cuddled.

Soon, the month passed, with not much fear. 

Till the next one struck, This time much more stronger and fearsome. 

A flurry of doctor's visits 

 (Here it helped having an appointment booked for my dad weeks in advance with a hard to get general physician)

And then within the same day, yet another one.

All at night, while sleeping.

Shaking me awake, the cries waking the younger one as well and rest of the household.

A midnight rush to emergency to help calm the nerves, 

come back to the younger one hit by shock. Fever, stomach pain, in tears.

A night of throwing up, sleeplessness and fear. 

Would the night never end, 

Is it morning yet was the question

Next day saw me running to doctors, clinics,labs, 

All tests show normalcy,

Then why this abnormality?

My mother refuses to accept reality, refuses to mouth the word epilepsy.

Grandparents suddenly seem to have aged even more in the past 2 weeks.

Their illness seems nothing compared to what has hit the young one.

One who struggled to walk, now drags himself to the doctor with the grandchild. 

Anti seizure medications are prescribed.

But still sleep eludes the two.

Nothing calms them at night, the rituals take longer.

There are dazed looks of fear by night time.

Dinner is nibbled at, only to get thrown up.

Stomach constantly upset. 

The trauma does not end there.

Bed time, once something they looked forward to, now does not seem so much fun.

They stay away, till forced into it, eyes refusing to shut, holding tight onto my hands, refusing to sleep.

This goes on for a week, nothing seems to ease their fear.

One day, exhausted,they sleep, but only briefly, even a slight twitch or movement causes them to jump up awake.

We can feel the stress and we know we should not be going through it.

The question " Why " remains unanswered.

Is it the stress? lack of less sleep? insufficient hydration? not enough exercise? too much sugar? obsessive screen time? Childhood trauma? Vitamin deficiency?

We don't know, we can guess and eliminate or increase as needed. 

I get angry, blame myself for not giving her a normal family environment.

Should I take her to a psychiatrist?

There are mixed reactions from friends- plenty of advice on what I could do or not, What I should do or not, and not without its fair share of pointing fingers about wrong parenting, wrong parent, etc etc. 

In the past 2 weeks, slowly, things are calming down, 

we sleep for 4 hours now, rest of the time goes in holding hands, hugging and lying wide awake. 

We follow a strict bed time routine, 

Prayers,
Medicines

Go to bed at a particular time, wake up early,

Get some physical activity now, slowly planning to increase it.

Plenty more water 

Less screen time.

No sugar, no caffeine. 

For a 15 years old, on the threshold of adulthood and independence, to be faced with a challenge like this, this is quite depressing. She dreams of being able to walk confidently and enjoy the life of independence she chooses.

But I know, we need to face it and accept it and live with it, for an adult who has seen enough worries and overcome them it is a little easier to face.

But for a child, it becomes difficult, there is anger and frustration. 

There is fear of being ostracised among peers in the constantly changing friends circle,

Being a teen is difficult and to be carrying a tag of being "epileptic" and not knowing when one will hit you is even more scarier. 

I will do what it takes to support her.

I will be there for her to lead a life of normalcy.

I will teach my younger daughter that this is part of life and she is not her sister's caregiver, yet show her love and support her in her suffering. 

Hey!

Let it go, this too shall pass

(You know you can't keep lettin' it get you down. No, you can't keep lettin' it get you down)

OK Go

This too shall pass