Wednesday, 28 June 2017

The empty seat next to me



A school trip, by bus. We wait for our friends to come sit next to us. We reserve a place for them. It shows to the world how important you are and to us a moral confidence.
There are times when the seat remains empty.  Disappointment, brave face. 

Note to Self
If you want that seat to remain empty for long, longer than the journey......read....
The author goes on a 300+ page rant.

Life must be tough for a 24 year old today.
I remember 24!
Being in love, beaches, studies, worries, heartbreaks! Laughter, Fun, New life.
I don't remember depression, anxiety, self praising, frustration. Running away.

His first attempt at writing was interesting, snippets of his thoughts which made the reader think. 
He has taken a different approach with this book. 
A lot of pretentious poetry, a lot of letters and notes to a different self. 
Unforgiving. 
Rambling.
Oozing sarcasm.
Punctuated!

Maybe I do not understand being gay, but living in a land which openly accepts his preferences, definitely no disadvantages there. 
There are some points on handling depression and surviving those days, But by then you have given up reading and liking it. Does not strike anything inside you.

Some of his abstract photographs are good, which we know he is good at. 
Would you spend so much of time and money on a book you can't wait to finish and put away! 

If he would remember- that we are human, flawed, learn to forgive himself first and that we are all worthy of love. This book could have been a good read.
May not have left me longing for a good friend in the empty seat he left behind.

Note to Self- Avoid in Future!

Note to Self- Connor Franta


PS: The empty seat as we grow older has more significance especially on a long plane journey!

Monday, 26 June 2017

The Seekers



Roses Roses all the way, the town is famous for export of roses especially during Valentine's Day!













Some things are worth waiting for!
So it was with the weekend that went by. 

Many misses, many nays, many let's do it, before it finally happened.

Everyone loves a day away from routine, a day to unwind as we have taken to call it.
I look forward to such moments especially when it involves time with friends. 

"Let's go to the farm" a constant invite, " Bring your kids along" the deterrent!

With so many dependencies to manage, it never did happen.
Finally, a decision and a date blocked weeks in advance.

Planning is not my friend's forte, which though a little unnerving initially, I have learnt to accept. I know I've had the best times with him! 

We constantly seek peace, answers to the daily problems we face at work, relationships, money, health, future. Leaving behind a chaotic mind.
The wide open spaces gives you the answers.

There is nothing more beautiful than nature in its raw form.
No pretensions, no one-upmaniship, no greed.
It teaches you respect, gives you plenty. 

The green countryside, gentle breeze rustling through the weeds and the leaves, the playful clucking of fowls, the eerie sounds of the night. 
Calmness, silence, stars, fond melodies from afar.
Chatter of friends. 

Quiet of the morning, the hues of the skies, the mooing cows in the distance. Tea.
Walks through villages, birds, goats, ducks, smiles. Laughter! 

Rejuvenation. Peace!
















Tuesday, 20 June 2017

A Gift to Self

Birthdays come but once a year.
Every passing year we yearn to make it special, celebrate with special friends, do something different. Make it memorable.

Birthday month not being far away, this year I decided to do something different again.
Nothing that needed anyone else's support, but just my will power.

A friend had told me I complain a lot! As unbelievable as it sounded to me, being human we never accept our mistakes, I decided to act on this seemingly negative trait.

Never satisfied, expect more, lose hope, distrust- these are common causes for us to get frustrated and start complaining about our situation. There are habitual cribbers who take pleasure in draining the energy out of you with their complaints. They do not want your help or advice, just want to dump their problems on you and want to remain unhappy. 
I am sure I am not one of these!! 
And then there are the ones who yes, complain, though I would not call it complaining, but those seeking a solution. They state their problem and also know how to address it.  

Of course, I am no saint, I cannot deny that I don't complain. I do. Plentiful, about small, inane stuff! I too seek to transfer my pathetic sorry state onto someone just for some momentary relief. 
I have been a receiver too. After all misery loves company. 
Thats when I realised, since I do complain after all( there I accept my mistake) others take liberty to do it to me!

Complaining also has scientific and medical implications!
It releases the stress hormone cortisol!! This puts our body into "fight or flight mode" which means more all systems concentrate in one area and make us prone to heart disease and diabetes.
As we sow, so we reap, it's a killer disease as well. The silent killer, being around people who complain makes us one of them, we imbibe from them and become them! 
Our hippocampus the problem solving and logical part of the brain shrinks with constant complaining, making us illogical and unreasonable!

This surely needs immediate remedial action!

So here comes the challenge!
A gift to self!
The 66 days challenge!
I did some research and practice on the 21 day challenge!
It definitely takes more than 21 days for a habit to stick!
It takes 21 days for the idea to sink in, more for the habit to stick and sustain for ever!
So the magic number research says is 66.

Why wait for July 1st to start this practice, today is a good day as ever. Making me ready for a brand new birthday this year! 

I commit myself not to complain.
It will be difficult to begin with since most of my complaints are petty, related to work, friends, traffic. Unconsciously, I know I tend to do it. But slowly, once I know that even these are a NO NO since taking up this challenge, am sure I will think twice before  complaining about the small stuff as well. 
Of course, complaints which produce a positive result will be allowed!

I do hope my neurons trigger my happy hormone 'serotonin' leading to a better me soon and I remain 'dopamined' in the future!!!

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it,
change your attitude. Don’t complain.” – Maya Angelou

Sunday, 11 June 2017

Comfortably Numb

While at the gym today, the owner of the gym was back in town after a long training session around the country.
I got chatting with him and realised he had a front tooth missing! Very conspicuous by its sudden absence.
He was conscious about it! Was it a recent accident during his last trip? Oh no, this is a 20 year old injury, never set right.
Frequent visits to dentists, many trial, more errors, finally he had to remove it to try one new experiment.
The painful process, emotions and reminders of past treatments, now have left him comfortably numb he said.

The past few weeks have seen me go back and forth on various emotions-happiness, anger, sadness, frustration, fear!! 
This led to breaking away from routine, pushing beyond possibility and at times, giving in to the emotions.
Several chocolates, ice creams, cream filled biscuits and many guilt kms later..........

''There is no pain, you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons
Now I've got that feeling once again
I can't explain, you would not understand
This is not how I am
I have become comfortably numb''

Pain leaves us weak, drained out; an emotional wreck.
Especially if you are someone who wears their emotions on their sleeve.
When you know you are hurting but the other remains blissfuly untouched, the pain suddenly multiplies.

''Just a little pin prick
There'll be no more aaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little sick
Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working, good
That'll keep you going through the show
Come on, it's time to go.''

Words, said in anger, linger.
Being human, pain is a constant.

But
slowly.....

''There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
I have become comfortably numb.''


Pink Floyd " Comfortably Numb"

Wednesday, 31 May 2017

Zened Out


Many years ago Buddhism interested me! For its simplicity in practices, for the colourful flags they let flutter and also because of the desire to rebel against fascism of the church heads.
I explored talks, read books, followed leaders, watched movies around Buddhism! 

But, there were other deterrents, thoughts of killing were considered a No No! 
And so I stuck to the religion I was born into!

I continued seeking knowledge into this practice. Thats when Zenism hit me! Not to be followed as a religion but as a way of life!

Zen in its raw form means meditation.

Being passionate about anything I take up, it consumes a lot of energy! Super stressed soul! This is where meditation was suggested to me!
I had taken up running long distance to heal the mind and appease the body. 
Meditation was for the soul!
I tried it! I was told to sit still and focus on nothingness! 
It was a failure! I could neither be a yogi nor a Zen master!
It hurt that I could fail at something that came so easy to many!

Slowly over a period of time I realised that meditation comes in many forms, religion is not a community to belong but a way of life.
Success or failure, good times, bad times ........ life goes on.

Some learnings from my journey through the years!

Savour life!
There were years when I lived by the clock! everything had to happen on time, like clockwork. A practice instilled in my by my dad and strict upbringing. This had acquaintances wonder if I was a army brat!!
Yes, this kind of living had its benefits, there were no surprises. 
I also realised I left no room to be impulsive.

Thats when I met someone who taught me to stop, see and enjoy every thing I did.
Even the simple act of rushing my coffee before a run, eating breakfast on the go all slowed down.
Now, I spent time sitting down to have my first cup of coffee, running could wait 10 minutes.
Getting ready 10 minutes earlier, meant I could enjoy the breakfast instead of it being exposed to the dust and pollution on the road.

“Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves — slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future.”

One size does not fit all!
What works for them, does not work for you.
Thats when I realised running was my meditation, whether I ran slow, raced or enjoyed the views, It was my Zen.
I could run for 2 hours and finish the day happy! 
I could spend the time I ran to heal the mind, appease the body and feed the soul! 
I did not have to stay still in a quiet place to meditate, I could keep moving, I could have my headphones on and still reach that stage.
Think one thing, focus on whatever you are doing, let your thoughts flow, do not block them! Slowly over an hour, or more you will attain the calmness you desire.

"In the stillness of the mind I saw myself as I am- unbound"

The meaning of life
I thought I had to achieve a certain designation, a certain level of financial success, work in big name companies, travel in fancy cars to prove that my life had meaning.
This was a misconception brought about by the wrong crowd.
I slowly learnt that I had to have a purpose for my life. I had to fulfil that purpose everyday, not at the end of my career,as a retirement plan or on certain days of the month! Every single day, live your purpose. That adds meaning to life.
So today, If i can brighten someone's day with a kind word, a note of gratitude, giving way to someone else more in need of an auto during peak hours, listening to a friend who needs a listening ear, I do it all!
Do more! Live each day! Do not wait for something better to start dong something small! Live the life you have today!
I see the smiling tea shop owner on my way to work, his purpose is to serve tea, he does it with a smile, through the day, even on my way back.
He does not make huge cash profits, but he does make a million smiles! Everyday!

"When you plant a seed of love, it is you that blossoms."

Not the destination, but the journey
"Are we there yet?" "How much longer?" 
I did it as a kid, now my daughters do it.
Till I started traveling around.
Road trips to very normal places, made exquisite by the company we keep and the roads we take.

This made me appreciate the whole process, not just the result,
When you run a marathon, the final result is a 42.2 km on the race day. The journey towards the 42 is such a fulfilling trip, every week you learn something new, you experience something more than just the one race. 

I appreciate the learning I gain not just the salary hikes we look forward to. 
Aim for the final goal, take pleasure in attaining that, but do not ignore the small wins on the way.

"It is better to travel well than arrive."

Let go
This is always difficult, we are hoarders!
Of emotion, anger, love, relationships.

I did this and I hurt, I allowed myself to be hurt.
I held onto grudges, I never forgave.
I clung on to past mistakes. 
Misunderstandings and breakups made me hard.

A counselling diploma helped me understand myself, helped me lose the things I held onto, including the debris that has washed into my shores. 

Today there is a deeper compassion. A detached attachment.
The peace within comes from a higher understanding. 

"You can only lose what you cling to"

Find happiness where you are! It is waiting to be found, in your present job, in your family, circle of friends.
Anything new adds on to the happiness.
Do not wait!! 
Live! In the Now!

"Open your arms to change, but do not let go of your values"



Monday, 22 May 2017

Ink talks


When things around you change rapidly, you search for a sign of permanency. Something to call your own.
When you are a maverick mom and believe this life was made for you, you live it your way! 
When a thought plants itself in your mind and then is watered and fed and nurtured through googling and meeting the right folks, you want to see the fruit!

And that is how a Tattoo was born! 
One year, on a to do list, along with learning to swim, traveling to unknown places and being more forgiving, in small print was 'get a tattoo'!

The year went by, but not without googling!
The idea of getting a tattoo was growing, my search history was filed with dark images! 
Some scary, some meaningless, some prosaic, some plain boring! But images all waiting to get inked!

Swimming was attempted, failed! 
Unknown places happened, successfully!
Mixed feelings on the tattoo!

The need for something more permanent in life still lingered.

Google has never let me down, I read about how simple it could be, how permanent it was, how painful it could be, how like pins and needles it was! 

Spoke to a few friends who had tattoos and knew those who had got a tattoo done!!
there was still a fear, fear of diseases! 

6 months over and yet no tattoo!

I got the contacts of a few tattoos artists through reliable references, saw their work on skin!
Called them up, spoke over phone,
Got the address, walked around the area where they worked! Tried to see the crowd going in and coming out! Yeah I stalked them!!!

Oh the research was thorough indeed!
As much as I craved permanency, I feared it too! 
It was more painful and expensive to get it removed......

And, what about my parents and my kids? What would they say? I knew my parents may want to disown me! They were prudes and would be shocked to see something abstract showing up! They classified this as the work of the devil! Evil influence! 
My kids would be proud of me! Mom who does the weird things! Cool Mom!

I decided to take it as it comes! The tattoo was also a sign of rebellion, to tell my parents I was grown up now! 

The date was finalised. A day when none would be home! 
October was here! If not now then never!

I had fixed the appointment for Saturday afternoon. 
I knew I wanted a Virgo constellation! had taken a few prints of what I had in mind.
I had an approximate price range and size in mind. 
I knew for certainty where I wanted the tattoo to be inked.

The process was smooth, the studio was clean, the music was loud.
To shut the slow muffled screams of pain, to drown the noise of the whirring needle.

We went through a few representative designs, what would actually look good as a tattoo, she was pleased with my research, I was satisfied with her inputs!
Good start! 
I was confident now.
I quickly downed an Ibuprofen to dull the pain and sat still in the chair. Sudden moves could change the whole constellation!
I could see the design turning into reality on my unexposed skin. I could feel pins and needles on the soft tissue.
No, there was no pain, having gone through natural childbirth, with no pain relief, I was ready to take on any degree of pain.
This was nothing compared to what I had read.

Since I had chosen a black constellation, it was pure pricks, no shades! Simple, quick and clean!
It looked ghastly when done.
With the oil and tape over it, it looked like someone had stabbed me with lead pencil all over!!

The doubts started!
went home with a feeling of misgiving! And a self care kit!

I got home, got trusted google to answer my first query. 
How to remove a tattoo? 
Can home remedies help immediately after inking?
It was not meant to be, I was advised not to try anything stupid and cause an infection.

I was not happy! the work was good, the design perfect! 
But I did not want a tattoo anymore!!!
Yet, I took care of it, like you do a cactus, with care, but not love!! 

Sleep is always a cure! I felt better the next morning. With no kids to answer too and a full necked T shirt to cover it from the view of my parents, I survived the night!

I took care of it with caution, the thought of removing it in a week still lingering. 
I looked up laser studios, called them up as well the next day.
They all advised time! time heals! give time some time!

My tattoo played peek a boo at work:) some stared, some questioned! Some looked away!
Slowly, I felt comfortable.
My kids could now see it as well, they asked, I brushed them aside! 

Within a week, it grew on me, I started loving it, it looked better, it healed well. Not red and dotted, but smooth and clear!

I flaunted it in low necked Tees, I allowed it to peek through a netted neckline!
Oh I started taking pride in my tattoo!! 
Mine, representing me! 
The starts peeping out if you stared long enough, the Virgo in me coming alive! 

I could see the pride in my daughters' eyes, the indifference in my parents!
Some see it the way I do, some hope to see even a bit of it! 

Nothing bothered me! I had done it for myself! 
And was soon googling more designs to tattoo!!

I even referred my design studio to many others who liked what I had done!!!

Did I get another one?
No, am still waiting for that inspiration to strike me. 
Someday.........




Sunday, 30 April 2017

An Affair to Remember

It all began 21 years ago
A dream which remained unfulfilled.
A trip which could never be taken.

Till planning and preparation made it happen!
Not alone, but with travel companions excited as I was.

Tickets booked well in advance to ensure we got good deal for the money paid.
Travel agent contacted with detailed itinerary to make sure we could get the most out of the 9 days.
Hotels reviewed, confirmed, ready.

And then the long wait began. 
This is the price you pay for planning things way in advance, the wait is longer!!

Busy exam schedules, work schedules, made the months disappear.
Soon it was here!

Trip advisor reviews were read, weather report keenly followed. It did not seem good, but also seemed wonderful!!

Day 1
The short flights, the long waits and finally we landed in cold, grey Bagdogara airport. 
The skies were grey, threatening to open up any minute,
An ardent googler, I was fearful of the road trip that lay ahead of us to reach Darjeeling.

The girls were wide eyed in fear as our driver embraced curves.
Night falls early and by 5:00 PM we were driving in the mist and dark.
Rain pelted down, the mountains a dark silhouette in the distance. 

We crossed Ghum, the highest railway station in India.
We saw the famous Darjeeling toy train tracks. 
We crossed Kurseong and was reminded of ghost stories set in that town.
We drove through mist with less than 5 metre visibility!! 
Scary!!

Finally, reached Darjeeling, tired, hungry, needing to use the rest room!!!

The hotel room, was big! functional, with lovely views of the Kanchenjunga in the distance marred by the clouds and night sky.
Lights dotted the valley, houses readying for the night. 
A quick dinner, and we slipped into the comfort of the quilts, cold for us from hot climes!

Day 2
The next day, we woke up to blankness, no mountains visible, just a huge thick sheet of mist and rain! 
Suddenly as if by a miracle hand, the skies cleared and we got to see the magnificent ranges.
before we could take pictures, the mist covered them up again!!

We spent the day at the Padmaja Naidu Himalayan  Zoo, well maintained, animals indigenous to the Eastern Himalayan ranges.
the animals were all well fed, well nourished and looked happy though locked in cages.

We visited Ghum monastery, which was a disappointment. the Namdroling Monastery in Coorg is a wonder! 
A Japanese Peace Pagoda drew lot of attention from all tourists, destroying the sanctity of the place. 

A long drive to a supposedly good view point, Tiger Hill was a flop show. It was an anticlimax after the beautiful drive along the mountain ranges covered in mist! 
Stopped at a tea estate in the constant drizzle and were soaking in the freezing rain!! 
The chill in the air was getting to a cold in the bones by then.

We headed back to the hotel, to get some much needed rest and warmth!

Once we were comfortable, we walked down the famed mall road for some window shopping.
Night comes early, we rushed back before it got too dark and misty.

Day 3 was a long drive from Darjeeling to Gangtok.
The river Teesta flowed along us, meandering along the curves!

The drive was jittery, the roads were bumpy and the vehicles were not very comfortable, but suitable for such terrain.
After a tiring drive, we reached the state of Sikkim, the capital city Gangtok.

The drive is beautiful and scenic, mountains, valleys, rivers all in perfect harmony.
Prayer flags fluttering in the wind, reminding us of the presence and watchful guidance of the omnipresent.

The city does not permit non state registered vehicles to ply within the limits, We had to move out of our vehicle and shift into a local taxi at the taxi stand to head to our hotel.
Again, tired, rattled bones, saw us checking into the hotel. 
Cold wet weather greeted us in Gangtok too.
The room was well kept, comfortable.
A very late lunch and dinner, saw us hitting the sack early for another day of traveling around.

Day 4
This was a day for local sightseeing.
Gangtok is a city of ups and down, curves and dips.
Our cab driver took us to a lovely garden filled with rhododendrons, to a monastery again where we prayed like the locals do, turning the prayer wheels and chanting to the rhythm, a few temples with good views of the mountains around us. 

A plant conservatory. 

Gangtok is a Tibetan Buddhist city where cleanliness is so obvious.
The lack of traffic signals, the rigid following of ROW, the disciplined driving were such a pleasure to watch.
There was respect for the police and for his guidance, 

We spent some time at MG Marg, shopping for knick knacks and for an authentic Tibetan meal.

With night falling early, cold rains making the wind chill reach single degree temperatures and a long drive ahead of us the next day, we crept under the covers soon.

Day 5
This was a long journey, through roads which were not laid to Lachung in North Sikkim 
6 1/2 hours of off roading!!
Teesta river, snow capped mountains, fern hills, pine forests, bamboo groves and treacherous roads!!
The views made the drive bearable and kept our minds occupied. 
We reached Lachung a small village which was cold and wet already.
Hotels are few and very functional here. But served the purpose.
The room we got had to die for views. Snow capped mountains surrounding us on all sides,
Waterfalls in the distances, water flowing fast below. Greenery all around!

We had an early dinner and slept keeping ourselves warm under several layers of quilt!

Day 6
Saw us leaving early to drive through Shingba Rhododendron sanctuary and further on towards Yumthang valley.
Late snow had not allowed the valley to be filled with the flowers as we had expected, we saw the flowers slowly carpeting the wet snow melting grounds. 

Driving down further brought us to the Zero Point.
Heavenly, so white, covered in snow. Falling snow!  First time experiences are always memorable! Having been just toddlers when they last lived in snow land, this will be the memory they carry for a long time! 
We rented snow boots and jackets and soaked in the cold snow and beauty of the mountains all around us.

The drive back down to the valley and hot Maggi to warm ourselves was a treat.
The night was cold, we were dressed in layers, the rain came smashing down on the tin roofs, along the already soaked valley.
We stayed warm under the covers, refusing to step out for dinner!!
With the rains came power cuts and darkness and candle light at night. 
Eerie in the mountains, cold, shaking, we slept.

Day 7
Heading back to Gangtok was a relief after a night of thundering rains.
Fearful of roads, waterfalls, gushing down and landslides, we made it back to the city, safe.
The driver was cautious, not taking any chance on the road. Knowing we were sitting petrified in the back seat.
Thankfully, it had stopped raining as we drove through the slippery roads.
Reached Gangtok and back to thunder, lightening and non stop rains.
The room we got this time had lovely view of the mountains and valleys and we stayed warm and dry indoors, eating hot pakoda and drinking chai,
the mountain life!

Day 8
We heard that permits to travel to Tsogmo lake and Nathulla pass were not being given out thanks to a major snow storm which had cause a 6 hour block on the mountain roads, which had to be cleared by the army, 
Disappointed. But lucky for us, our driver reached with a permit the next morning for Tsogmo lake, 
Nathulla still remained inaccessible due to the snow storm.
Dressed warm, prepared to play in the snow, we made the long scary journey to reach 14000 feet above sea level.
The narrow ledges called roads, were slippery with ice, snow on the pines, water quickly freezing from the melting snow. 
Each ride more scary than the previous one!!
We made it up the mountain, dressed like eskimos, played in the falling snow, made snow man in the fallen snow, a wonderful experience for the kids and a pleasant surprise for me!
Rushed back before the snow storm began for the day and we could get holed in the cold mountain for the night!

Our feet were frozen under the snow boots, our fingers numbed by the cold snow. Warmed by hot cups of tea and Maggi.
We headed back to the hotel for a hot shower and hot cocoa and crispy pakodas!

Day 9
Was the long trip back to the airport.
Again a drive along the gushing Teesta River. 
Changing landscapes, mountains and valleys, to rolling tea estates.
The airport was packed with returning tourists, foreigners finally being seen at the airport - Sikkim begin a state which does not allow non Indians permits. 
 long waits, journeying back home to comfort and familiarity,


As Banglorians we are familiar with distance being measured by time, so it is in the mountains. A 20 km distance takes more than 1 hour to cover. 
But the views, the changing landscape, the majestic mountains, the bottomless valleys, the milky waterfalls all make the drive interesting.

All hotels were filled with tourists, noisy, chattery, huge groups. Surprising when the state is not easily accessible, motor-able roads disappear after landslides, rains and snow storms.
Goes to prove that the Indians are more discerning and love to explore the vastness and enjoy the beauty of their own country.
Permits to visit most of the tourist spots are required in this state.
This is not issued to non Indians. Permits are obtained against a tourist vehicle and not for individuals. So it is important to contact a tour operator to get these organised a day in advance.
Security is very strict being along a sensitive border, army has lot of control over the mountain regions.
All this make it gratifying to view their lives so far from their family, homes, yet happy to serve their country in such harsh weather conditions and security situations.
And so ended my 9 day affair with the mountains I fell in love with.

A lovely experience, time well spent with kids, different cultures and traditions and a trip to remember. A lifelong dream fulfilled.