Lockdown love

Baking is an expansive addiction.

It expands your waist, your butt, your face.               

It is expensive as well. 

Baking is cathartic. 

It requires focus to get the ingredients right, a mix up somewhere can cause disaster.

It requires order, sugar, butter, eggs and flour in the right proportions, a firm whisk, a strong mix and the special ingredients to get the final result.

Why do I bake? 

Is it for the method, the precision?    

Or maybe for the way it helps me relax when my brain is overworked?

Or for the aroma the house fills with making me forget the everyday worries.

it reminds me of tradition, of smells grew up with, making me recollect what was familiar.

It must be the joy of cooking something everyone loves.

It brings back memories of days when they were babies and I baked for my pleasure. 

I also bake because my daughters are losing what they were once familiar with.  

The exams, final year of school, hanging out with friends, movie times.

I bake because the process brings me closer to them, there is a familiarity in the smell that comes from the kitchen.

It is a momentary comfort , memory of good times.

I bake because I can't make the uncertainty go away, but I can make them certain of my love.

I bake them naked, raw, no icing, no frosting, there are no covers to hide the flaws that we are exposed to as we stay home. 

I bake for their smile, for their pleasure.

I bake to create more happy memories.                                       

                            

    

The Homecoming

The man got off the bus after traveling more than 3000 kms, tired, unsure.

Years of living in the city has changed him, he is uncertain of what lies ahead for him in the place he once called home.

His friend from when he lived in the village greets him, he meets his old parents, whom he should be excited seeing after almost 8 years, but the excitement is marred by the fear and the situation which has made him return.

He meets old friends, they seem content in their simple ways. There is no desire for power.

His life in contrast has been contaminated by the privileges city life had to offer and money brought.

Forced to make this move, causes the old familiar ways to to turn distasteful, 

What was taken for granted in the city in his past life has now become non-existent. 

Simple pleasure of mobile connectivity, watching television are not seen as a necessity but a waste of time. 

Loss of his well paid job makes him depressed and scared.

The customs and traditions of his village, the one he grew up in, now irk him.

Butter tea, a staple of the hill people, now puts him off after feasting on the city’s cutting chai

Crossing a small stream by walking over a log — an everyday ritual for the residents of this area — is suddenly very difficult for him.

His parents want him to stay back in the remote village, they have a farm, they have a livelihood.

The life his parents want for him is that of a cow's or a pig's: a life full of routine and without any adventure.

He rebels, he buys a TV, he buys a car. He wants his old life back, in his new surrounding.

Slowly he accepts and remembers, he settles into a routine, finding purpose in teaching at the government school.

Taking on his father's duties on the farm, he now finds within, acceptance of his village and  customs and love for the people and land he had left behind. 

He crosses the bridge with ease. 

This is a familiar tale of many Indians , the migrant labourer forced to seek better opportunities in the city, living a life of comfort and luxury, compared to the struggles of a small village in the hills.

Now in the current economic situation, forced to leave the city, they crave the old, silently accept the new.

I'm sure many can empathise with Tashi as he struggles to settle down to a slower paced lifestyle having tasted the energy of urban India.

The movie is about stillness, its simple beautiful surroundings accentuated by the simplicity of the lives of people. 

The remoteness of the village reminds us how these folks consider places like Mumbai to be a foreign land. 

But for many of us living in the city, these remote hilly scapes are sought after, we run towards them seeing them as a foreign and exotic.

It is about finding your roots, accepting change and adapting the new to the old ways. 

For me, while I think about a homeland far away, the search for meaning and purpose in one’s own roots strikes a chord and makes me determined to follow up on my dream.

Crossing Bridges is the first movie to have been made in the Arunachali dialect of Shertukpen and the village where this is filmed serves as a window to not just a place that few recognise, but also to a different way of life.

A Family Affair

"Christmas won't be Christmas without any presents, grumbled Jo, lying on the rug.

It's so dreadful to be poor! sighed Meg, looking down at her old dress.

I don't think it's fair for some girls to have plenty of pretty things, and other girls nothing at all, added little Amy, with an injured sniff.

We've got Father and Mother, and each other, said Beth contentedly from her corner."

Jo the hot tempered tomboy, Meg the sweet natured romantic, Amy childish spoilt brat , Beth the shy musical prodigy.

I followed their lives glassy eyed as an impressionable 12 year old.

Yes, I too wanted to be Jo, I wanted to be a writer! 

I wanted sisters, I envied my friends who had that bond.

Even though this book reads a bit old fashioned given the societal norms of the time during and after the Civil war, overall,  there are universal and timeless messages about the bonds of family, morality, gratitude and love. 

The struggle for girls and women to be themselves while following convention is an experience that resonates even today.

Young readers may find the domesticity in the book unnecessary but it was and is still necessary for people to have domestic skills or they could not and still cannot survive. 

Of course it's easy to fall in love with Laurie and I wished Jo had married him, but then the story would have changed directions 

“I do think that families are the most beautiful things in all the world!” The March family has their own hopes and needs and fears. They sacrifice, support each other, cry together, and survive their losses. 

Support at times also means acceptance of the other standing in the way of your dreams. 

I learnt from their lives. 

While sitting home under a lockdown during the COVID pandemic, the whole family is together all the time. Friends and outside connections mattered more.

We are frustrated, the freedom which came easy and taken for granted, now has been curbed.

The first month was difficult where everyone tried to find their own space, getting on each other's nerves, each one's peculiar habits causing irritation, small issues blown out of proportion.

Now we have all settled into a comfortable routine , accepting the peculiarities as individualities. Allowing the habits to grow on you. 

We still have our differences, but now they don't turn into arguments. 

The family matters. 

A very progressive book for the era it has been set in, the girls much ahead of their times with their thinking and giving.

If you believe love conquers all, you will enjoy this book.

And I finally watched the movie adaptation.

My imagination as a young kid was wild, still is.

The movie caters to that remaining faithful to its roots. The film moves between two timelines as flashbacks, which the book does not.

For a first timer who has not read the book, it may take a while to relate the two. 

The dialogues are simple and conversations and acting reflect the emotion the book allowed readers to experience.

The ending with Jo being decisive is a lovely touch.

Not all women have to be sacrificial lambs, she stood for what she wanted and got the best of both worlds. 

This slight twist will go well with the feminists and the go-getters.

All the actors have played their part well, bringing to life for me the story read years ago.

Timothee Chalamet plays the playboy role so well as Laurie with his childish charm, easy to fall in love.

Greta Gerwig's adaptation pays a wonderful tribute to the literary classic and deserves a watch.

Little Women- Louisa May Alcott/ Greta Gerwig

Tug Of War

This is part of my current interest in non English language movies.

It is about empathy, humanity and love. 

It is also about gender, class, justice and honour.

How the two sets merge  in a society ruled by moral and religious upbringing. 

Everyone is right in how they see their situation and the problem. Religious beliefs are weightier than the law. 

An Iranaian movie steeped in the diktats of Islamic Law.  A peep into their society.

The story is very touching and a modern day occurrence for many families today, single adult children and old sickly parents.

The struggle to provide for the younger generation without ignoring the growing needs of the older generation

It is sad that the child is a pawn and is dragged around and entrusted with so much responsibility at a young age.

The movie never shows the young girl playing or talking with friends, instead it is always about duties.

Divorce one would assume in such a religious orthodox setting, would come with its stigma, but we see the woman emboldened to make decisions which she feels would be beneficial to her child. 

The differences which never existed and seemed unacceptable for a cause for separation at the beginning, by the end of the movie becomes irreconcilable. 

So beautifully has the situation been portrayed to reflect the changing relationship

A film filled with love without expectations.

An investigator filled with sympathy, but ruled by the law. 

The housekeeper filled with remorse, guided by only her religious beliefs 

The head of the house filled with desperation, laced with guilt

The child filled with sadness, governed by ethics

The mother filled with purpose, driven by love.

"A Separation"  won an Oscar Award for Best Foreign Language Film in 2012

A Story of Their Lives

A friend convinced me into watching this Malayalam movie, I finally gave in when I had some time during the lockdown.

Luckily the movie had subtitles in English, yes, the language helped relate better with the characters and locale. 

Set completely in a small fishing island village named Kumbalangi, this movie is about a dysfunctional family. Living in a run down, incomplete house.

My roots draw me to movies and books set in in villages which thrive on fishing. Those scenes take me back to memories of holidays, watching the boats come in, the vastness of the sea, the argumentative villagers.

There are no heroes, though I fell in love with Franky the youngest sibling. The brothers share a love hate relationship, the oldest brother is wasted, the next one is a mute, loves his life and his brothers, the 3rd sibling is a happy go lucky person, waiting for no one and nothing in particular, the youngest a school kid trying to keep the family together.

There are no stereotypes, yes the men all love their drink anytime of the day, they kick each other around, the women are strong characters who are not there to save the menfolk, but to live their own lives. By being themselves, the women encourage the men to change and improve their ways.

The story touches upon mental illness, toxic masculinity, where one of the men calls himself a " complete man" and we can feel his anger, his male supremacy, his ego and finally how holding it all in makes him lose his mind. 

It shows a grown man asking for help and breaking down and how that moment of acceptance changes his life. 

I can relate to how the action of your parents and upbringing can reflect upon your behaviour later in life, It can be the good or the bad that you learn from your parents. This is so beautifully depicted in the movie where it all turns out good.

The movie moves from being a slow motion life where each one lives for himself, a feeling of abandonment and hopelessness, to a fast paced fight for survival, filled with purpose, support and coming together, silently doing things for each other. 

Love is the binding force between the brothers, though not all are born of the same parents. The movie moves from the brothers sharing such a small space and being small minded selfish people, fighting for even a bed to sleep on, the space expands when their hearts open up, take on so many more lovingly giving them everything they own.  

Finally a home is built.

The soundtrack is soothing, the background music is timely and lifts the movie up 2-3 notches. 

The cinematography takes you on boat rides, still waters, calm nights, stolen glances, innocent love.

Makes me wonder why I waited so long to watch this masterpiece.

Kumbalangi Nights - A Movie

The Secret Club

This is something that is never spoken out loud, Maybe with just one other trusted friend. We feel ashamed for who we are, sometimes blaming ourselves for the situation. And continue in the relationship. 
Previously never heard of, this could often reflect in platonic friendships and also found among dating and married couples.

Toxic relationships

One of the most common tactics used is gaslighting. Where the abuser makes the victim question their own perception and judgement.“I’m not listening to that crazy talk anymore” or “You’re too sensitive.”

“Stop complaining.” "You ask too much from me"

They guilt trip you into thinking any failure or misunderstanding is only because of you expecting too much of the other person.
They conveniently disappear when you have an emotional need.
Arrogant not from an intellectual supremacy , but more from a know it all narcissism. 
They are never wrong, even when they admit they are wrong, there will be clauses to invalidate that. 
Their favourite punishment is the silent treatment, openly telling you they will block you or stop talking to you because you need to learn a lesson.

Ending a toxic relationship is emotionally taxing. It takes us months, years of knowing someone to accept that you are a victim of such a relationship, by which time it is too late, we are in love and too deeply involved with the person. 

In today's fast paced world, making friends is not easy, it takes time, effort, patience, understanding to find a match, and we are scared to lose that person with whom we have shared happy moments, our deepest secrets. They are attentive, giving, loving,  

Slowly, we become their toys, our emotions their playground. We feel scared like a child who has done something wrong and is waiting for a punishment. 

We get confused every time they blow hot and cold. slowly as years pass by, we are not as open with them as we were, yet we continue acting it out. A mask is in place.

They wait for you to come back running to them asking for forgiveness knowing very well they are at fault and they make it seem like it was always your fault, even while accepting the apology, " you expect too much from me, you take me for granted, I have a life outside of you, next time I won't be so forgiving"   

They enjoy watching you run after them, making them feel important, indispensable, taking a sadistic pleasure in your pain. They boast about the fact that they just have to wait for the other to run to them, because they were right.

"How did I miss the red flags? 

The gaslighting, the pity party, the absence of presence”

"Blame Shifting and projecting their malignant traits onto their partners during conversations, while using a false charismatic self to make their victims look like the crazy ones. It's almost as if they hand off their own traits and shortcomings to their victims as if to say "here take my pathology, I don't want it" "Shahida Arabi

To the outside world the victim seems happy, they seem to go about their work, other relationships with normalcy, social media reflects that, yet no one knows the internal confusion and emotional upheaval they are going through. The whole experience has left them feeling worthless, sad. A decision to leave that relationship is not just a momentary thought but a long drawn, well thought out feeling.

Help that friend, when they reach out to you. 

It takes courage to walk out of such a toxic relationship, they need a friend to see them through to help stay away from running back to the other person. 

They came to you for help.  

It is not easy to admit when you are hurt and broken. They trusted only you. 

Do not judge them. It may take an emotional toll on you, yet be there for them, help them establish boundaries. 

Do not ignore them or belittle their pain talking about your own. 

“True friends are those who came into your life, saw the most negative part of you, but are not ready to leave you, no matter how contagious you are to them.” 

― Michael Bassey Johnson, The Infinity Sign

Yes, this is all something I have experienced and today I am at peace after one such difficult ending of a 10 year saga. 

It has taken its toll on me, I am lucky to have been home during this whole detox season. 

Physical distances and space has helped me rebuild my self worth and reaffirm my faith in my emotions. I am whole again.

“Not all friends know they have lost you.” 

― Joyce Rachelle 

Bird song

Almost 800 pages!! Of small print. But I had the time and the patience, you require both to go through this detailed tome.

There are times I wondered why the book was so detailed, at times I loved the vivid detailing.

Moments when I loved Theo for his innocence, moments when I wondered if his coldness could get tot me. 

Can love it, easy to hate it. A coming of age novel spread across cities, visiting countries.

The central figure as the title mentions is the painting. It revolves around loss and finding.

The protagonist Theo loses his mother to a bombing incident very early in the story. But he finds something at the same time. Something his mom loved- the Goldfinch. painting of a bird chained to a perch.The rest of the story is about  the bad choices Theo makes, the company he seeks, the opportunities he loses, his binge drinking, drug addictions, thieving, cheating, wily ways.There is a sense of disgust for the person he has become for the shallow life he leads. The storyline repels you, there is no reason to pity the person he has become, just disappointment. Sure there is PTSD, but that does not justify the reclusive behaviour .

But I kept reading, 

The author weaves the story around the main character with so much detail, the imagery is so vivid.

I could smell the old furniture store, walk  the deserted street in Vegas where Theo lives with his dad and Xandra, burn with the fever which punishes him in Amsterdam, hear Boris coaxing Theo to run amuck.

At times the descriptive writing goes on for pages without much being said. The ending could have come sooner.

The book will not be a recommendation from me to my daughter for it is a lesson on "how not to live your life and ruin it" or in a rebellious mode, it could turn into "how to live my life to ruin it”T he author makes it worthwhile through her descriptive prose, if she wanted us to be disgusted and repulsed, she has done well with the story.

The movie which I watched almost 4 months after I read the book, left me wondering if this was the same story.

It has been shredded, to fit into an acceptable screening time.The descriptive writing is absent in the movie and does not do justice to the details in the book.

It is rushed and seems to go back and forth between the years. The 2 1/2 hours of movie time had to be broken down to allow the mind time to recover between the various stages of life.

There is no humour at all and leaves you frowning, And I liked my visualisation while I read the book better than what is portrayed in the movie.

Give it a miss if you are a reader. Give it a miss if you like watching movies!

“But sometimes, unexpectedly, grief pounded over me in waves that left me gasping; and when the waves washed back, I found myself looking out over a brackish wreck which was illumined in a light so lucid, so heartsick and empty, that I could hardly remember that the world had ever been anything but dead.”

― Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch