The Makeover Challenge

The lockdown has me at home, needing distractions from the turmoil and angst I feel.

I tried looking at all my pending Udemy course

Did not go too far.

Tried reading non fiction books,the words were blurred. 

I decided to do mindless things. Watching movies and reading fiction made sense.

Brittany Runs a Marathon

This was one of the first few movies I watched.

A story of triumph, resilience, worthiness. 

Brittany's story is common. She is common.

Her life is a rut.

Broke, proud to ask for help. 

What she does decide to do after a much needed wake up call is change.

The thoughts and actions are relatable.

Fighting your emotional battles physically is something I have related to always

She sets out to achieve her goal. The New York City marathon seems like an overkill for a first, but then that's what goals are about right! 

The losing out on previous relationships because of your new found purpose and passion, finding new friends to support them are all sad and happy.

We see her succeeding, loving life. 

Then she falls, fails miserably. 

Allows herself to wallow in self pity again...

But since now she is in control of her life, she knows how to pick herself up again and goes back to her goals.

Her transformation is astounding. 

And real.

This time she does it, and she has all her viewers cheering for her. 

The movie is sad, funny, emotional, uplifting. 

To help you feel good in times when you need a laugh, when you need to know you are not alone.

It's not just another movie script, but based on the real life story of a friend of the Director of the movie- Britanny O'Neil 

If you are looking for marathon training tips, this is not for you.

If you want to believe you can start something and do that you have never done before, this is for you. 

Mask of Sorrow

I walk down the road, there are many walking by, alone or in two's.

14 years of walking, cycling and running down the same road.

Many came, many left. Some stayed. 

I always move on, never have time to stop and stare, 

Always in a hurry, always on the go.

A wide smile, a loud, hurried hello and I go rushing by. 

The road remains the same, the people the same.

Now life as I know it has changed.

I have no place to go. Life in slow motion.

I walk by, there are no loud hellos, a far off wave and we are off.

Each one wary of the other.

Yet, the quick smile, now with the eyes.

Strange, but comfortingly familiar.

Each of us carrying our worries silently inside our heads, the outward smile on the face, now hidden behind layers of cloth.

Words are scarce, muffled, muted.  

Our pain is masked.

“The eyes are the mirror of the soul and reflect everything that seems to be hidden; and like a mirror, they also reflect the person looking into them- Paulo Coelho 

My pain and fear reflect in the eyes that smile at me. 

Sometimes I recognise the person, other times, the eyes meet and unite the soul.

Together we silently take a vow to fight this together.  

Now the window to our soul speaks louder than the words which flowed easily. 

The smile temporarily hiding the sorrow.

I read the below words recently and shared this as a reminder on what is normal now. 

"I wear a mask in public, not for me, but for YOU. 

I want you to know that I am educated enough to know that, although I have been very careful, I could be asymptomatic and still give you the virus. 

I don’t “live in fear” of the virus-- I just want to be a part of the solution, not the problem. 

I don’t feel the “government is controlling me”; I feel like I’m being a contributing adult to society and I want to teach children the same. 

I want them to grow up as I did knowing that the world doesn’t revolve around me... that it’s not all about me and my personal comfort...that if we all could live with the consideration of others in mind, this whole world would be a much better place.

Wearing a mask doesn’t make me weak, scared, stupid or even “controlled”; it makes me considerate. "

Talk To Me

My daughters have always been asking me what I do at work.
Have never been able to explain to them since I do not have a defined job description which can be explained with a designation.
A fluid role, I have taken on anything it takes to get the job done.
Since we have all been working from home for almost 2 months now (wow) they have been listening and watching me work from the other room.
At times they see me on the computer talking and typing away furiously, sometimes with my phone while on mute, washing utensils or cooking, occasionally when I am on my laptop and phone doing the talking and typing.
Often I am talking on the phone passionate and emotional.
Video calls have been with a lot of lag and either I see or hear, something always tends to break for me or the other person(s) thanks to our poor internet connectivity. 

 For someone who never considers my phone as my appendix, I now take it around the house with me as I move around. This mobile has been my constant companion.
I have strict rules about the mobile not being present at the dining table and I have successfully followed that even during these days when calls are how I work.
With so many work calls, I realised I have not spoken to friends, so used to meeting them or chatting on WhatsApp, this too is a new norm yet to get used to. 

This post is not about calls and the time I spend on them.This is about the clarity, the brevity, the voice and modulation that some people have while talking over the phone.Many still do not know how they sound when they are talking through an instrument,Just like me, they too are probably multitasking, I see people walking and talking, with a mask over their mouth. 

Please take a minute to understand the struggle we are all going through. Phone fatigue is real, it affects me that so many calls are filled with echoes, voice breaking, missed words. We rush to speak, not waiting for the other to complete, not knowing if it's our turn, in turn losing out on what the other has been saying. 

Last night I spoke to someone on a work related call and had interacted very briefly in person a few months ago. This was a 45 minute call, where he spoke slowly, with sufficient pause, had planned this conversation well, which means, he gave me time to talk after he had voiced his opinion, the subject of the call was unpleasant, but his preparation and voice modulation, made it much easier for me to end it with a sense of satisfaction and clear action. 

This note is as much for me as for a larger audience.While talking in person, we give them our full attention, do so even while on a voice call.
Please go prepared when you get into a call, schedule it so that each person has time to plan their points and note it down. Set aside time, do not allow background noise and other distractions take away the importance of this call. Speak slowly, Pause, allow the other time to respond.
Picture them while you talk, hear their emotions. 

Makes for a better phone experience!

Running on Empty

All the cheerful optimism and forced positivity makes my anxiety worsen.

The knowledge that the whole world is suffering, does not diminish the pain I am going through.

Yes, all the preaching strikes a momentary chord and makes me eager to make changes to how I am coping.

But then again as the day progresses and the environment becomes claustrophobic and expectations become unbearable, the whole situation seems to collapse on my head.

I try to find occasions to be thankful for, to create for myself a sense of gratitude.

I try to spend 30 minutes a day expending energy and building up a sweat indoors. 

I try to focus for a while on the mundane activities, to distract myself from things I am not able to control.

My mind is filled with regrets, the prayer which was a meditation refuses to calm me, my religion has failed me. 

It's not easy when the constant bombardment focuses on the mosquito which we squat all the while we are sweeping the elephant under the carpet.

Would this have been different if I had someone to talk to without being judged for my anger or fears?

Would this have been different if I had made choices which seemed selfish at that time?

Would this have been different if I had someone to share my burden and not consciously ignore what is obvious?

Would this have been different if I were alone?

I am left feeling empty.Though I have a full house. 

I crave for silence inside my head. 

I am trying! 

Small Is The New Large

I walk across the clothes aisle in the department stores.
I finally find something I like!
I hold it up against me! Size is perfect.
Look at the size tag- XL!

Anyone who looks at me would never say am an XL.
In the Americas,15 years ago, I shopped in the petite or kids section.
Yes childbirth, mommydom and age have made me gain 5 kgs but at 45 I'm fitter, fabber today than I ever was.
I would wear an XL yes, being the " its baggy, lets both fit in together" person!

When I sign up for races, I place an order for XL size event Tees,
sometimes going as far as to request a Men's XL and altering the length alone!!

What changed over the years.
What made the sizes go off the chart!  Size 0 is glorified, but that has become smaller than XS size.
When I place clothes purchased 10 years ago alongside clothes purchased now with same size tags, I notice the old Small is now equivalent to the new Large.

It is a good thing I have a very positive self image and do not worry about fitting clothes and labels.
But I do worry for people who do.
the pressure it puts on the young adults who are governed by the society and its fashion norms.  

I see the same trend in the Std X board exams.
Last year I realised scoring 90% marks were not difficult.
This year I understood scoring the same was easy.

Everyone you meet or hear about has a happy smile and proudly mention their final scores.
During the 80's the same ICSE board exams were considered a nightmare for many.
If you scored a 70 % you were considered good, anything above 80% you stood a good chance of being a school topper! 

Fast forward to May 2019!
Am yet to hear of any of my daughter's friends talk about an average below 85%
and my daughter the 10th grader, who struggled through her whole year, with no support - internal or external, managed to spend 3 months of the whole year working on the subjects, did not touch any of the subjects' exam guides, past question papers or every other passed down advice and scored a happy average. Which 5 years ago, would have been enough to be a school topper.
Today that is the new class average! 

The glorification of marks and the giving away of marks by the examination boards!
When did scoring a 99 % in languages become so common?
Are we all grooming perfectionists? 

The 90s used to be 80s
Sadly
Small is the new Large

City of Dreams

"London streets are paved with Gold"
This I read as a kid and imagined what the streets would look like. Yes, did want to visit at that time. My father the traveling man, brought me a Queen's Guards Doll from his visit to London. He had a gold tipped staff. That was the closest I got to the streets of Gold.

A year later I read Shashi Deshpande's " The Only Witness" I would have been 9 years old and loved her few books, she was like the Indian Enid Blyton! and the kids were like the Famous Five!
This book had an opening line" So this is Bombay" I equated Bombay to London.

Small town girl that I was, all these were exciting. The only big city we would visit was Chennai, which seemed small with large gatherings of cousins.

Visits to Srilanka to visit grandparents for summer holidays were exciting, but never the adventure that I read about.
Soon enough I too became a city girl, seeing Delhi for the first time, Wide eyed,
but the pain of commuting to work everyday, dulled the excitement.

And then came more cities.
Mumbai remained my City of Dreams! Till one clandestine weekend trip to meet my unapproved of boyfriend.
So this was Bombay!
It was not what I imagined, the high rises, the slums were as I had read, but the crowds, the heat, the trains were not!

Still I did love the city and the 2 days of life I lived!

My fiancee ( Yes, our marriage by then had got my parents approval) then moved to London, from Bombay.
Again I hoped to get a piece of gold! He brought me back more than gold! still the streets eluded me.
Marriage took me to Bombay. Life on my own terms. And a love for the city.
It made many dreams reality!
I loved the city. But left too soon.

All other visits, remained short, need based, hectic, with no time to relive my dreams. 'Shantaram' awakened in me a yearning for the city, the life and the people who were always helpful.
Till the summer of 2019.
A much needed break after the exams. I decided to show my children what the city had to offer- a whirlwind two day trip to my city of dreams.

We stayed in a lovely Airbnb just behind the Taj Mahal Palace hotel!
Am not one for opulence, more of convenience,
The location was ideal, with the Gateway of India towering over us as we stepped out of our stay. The famous shops of Colaba Causeway right next to us.

We walked a lot! Everywhere! Ate a lot of food. Enjoyed the history and art and architecture all around us. Drove on roads I had previously run on, I could not believe the distances I had covered on foot!  Realised a marathon is no mean feat!

Day 1

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Cafe Mondegar for lunch- amazing pasta, the most delicious chicken roulade, fries with everything and more!
A long ride over the Bandra Worli Sea link to Bandra Church - which earlier I had only run on during TMM, now a nice easy drive!
Back for some ice creams and a walk down to the Gateway of India and its history,
Rush down to Nariman Point for the sunset and the crowds.Walk down to CST to see the lights!  WE walked!
Back to Bademiya for a hearty meal! The crowds and the price shocked us. A small roadside eatery with fancy cars parked and their bonnets serving as tables!
Tired and back to the room for much needed sleep.

Day 2

Morning saw us walk down for breakfast to Theobrama to stuff ourselves!

Back again to the Chhatrapati Shivaji Maharaj Vastu Sangrahalaya museum which was a wonderful experience.

Museums remind you of our glorious past-and we decided to make a trip soon to Gujarat to see the ruins of the Harappan civilisation.
We walked around till we reached Flora Fountain, the pile of books all around us.
The old University of Mumbai and the huge clock tower!
Khala Ghoda and the artsy surroundings.
Everything held in awe. 
Leopold Cafe for lunch. With the terrorist attack still being talked about there. 
Much needed rest and back to Nariman Point for a good sunset!
Rush to the Hanging gardens of Mumbai,and Kamala Nehru park for the view of the Queen's Necklace.
And it was worth it!

Back to Bademiya for their much hyped rolls. All other restaurants on the causeway were full! We had no choice!! A nice walk in the night along Strand Road and the view of boats parked their for the night.

Day 3


The next morning- an early morning drive along Nariman Point and a walk along Chowpatty beach. Sunday is a rest day made holy by visiting some churches.
We visited Wesleyan methodist church and its pipe organ and the Holy Name Cathedral - with its history and lovely architecture and arches! Stopped at the old Afghan church which was unfortunately closed by 10:00 am on Sunday. But it was lovely and quiet just sitting outside in the yard!
Grabbed lunch from Theobrama and made our way to the airport!
Thus ended a whirlwind tour of the city of my dreams.

And someday the streets paved with gold will welcome me!

DNF vs DNS

A running related blog

A runner's nightmare.

Have done both and both still give me nightmares before race day.

TMM requires registration in July for a race to be run in January. That would mean giving a runner sufficient time to train and get ready from 10 K to half 

marathon or a half marathon a full marathon. Or just get to be better half or full marathoners.

It is all about planning. Time management and training.

A planner, a worrier, a scheduler and a person with immense will power, I allowed circumstances to get the better of me.

2018 was my worst running year.

I did not put in sufficient mileage during the year for any race.

Did not train enough for any event. 

Did not register for sufficient events through the year.

Did not show up for those that I had registered.

So a DNF fear was top of my mind when TMM time was around the calendar. 

2018 had me start the year with TMM. 

A struggle to the finish with the Mumbai weather controlling my run.

DNS at Goa Marathon and Auroville Marathon in February due to a medical situation at home. 

No running at all in February because of the same. 
One situation can throw everything off track!! 

Stopped all gym workouts due to lack of sleep and rest. 

This spilled over into March with hospital visits and tests and more exam related stress.

Finally some relief in April with exams getting over, but still sleepless nights.

More doctors and hospitals in the summer. 

A date change in the TCS 10k and a last minute entry. 

Sudden rush of training runs for a week.

To finish in the top 50 women and 8th in my age group.

https://www.sportstimingsolutions.in/results.php

Then back to routine, 

a stress injury, more of mind related stress, causing a stress fracture. 

Yet another medical set back at home. 

Maybe both were related.

Another break in running.

Come July, a greedy need to sign up for an event.

Kind of instigating karma around me to see what would happen if I did sign up for an event.

That is how TMM 2019 registration happened.

Running providing mental relief whenever I did.

Body struggling with lack of sleep, work related stress, worries on the home front. 
Medical needs and emotional needs of children to be met! 

Yet determined to run.

Last minute sign up for the half marathon at SPBM in October.

Things looked a little calm on the home front. 

Confidence to step out early mornings. 

Again running without sufficient training. 

Just to appease the running demons inside me.

Finishing 4th in my age group. A surprise.

Maybe all the stress and pent up frustration were working well for me.

November rains, brought KTM my favourite race.

Undecided to go, yet showed up not wanting another DNS this year.

Sweet victory, 

unfair on those who had trained and worked hard, but rewarding for all the tears and struggles that had built up within me. 

No more I told myself.

I could not sign up for any more events in 2019 without giving an event the respect it deserved.

But TMM had to happen.

or would it be a DNS.

A full is not twice half. Universal truth.

Fate plays dirty games.

A hotel booking made in August got cancelled a week before the run.

"No room at the inn" commonly heard in Mumbai this time of the year.

But I the worrier, had an alternate hotel booked for such eventualities.

 for it was my turn to play. 

Maybe I was meant to go after all.

More unsure than ever.

DNF or DNS

DNS seemed cowardly 

DNF, if, seemed to be acceptance of what I truly deserved.

That is how I made my way to the start point on that warm January morning.

Humbling as ever, a full marathon can never be taken for granted.

Grateful for ever, to strangers who came to support and volunteer and cheer us on.

I did not DNF. 

That by itself was a huge achievement having gone through a year of no strengthening, running and conditioning 

I finished with a smile.

That only means one thing!

Mumbai I will be back!!!
Gratitude!