What If's

 It’s as honest as it can get.

The hard hitting reality of a single parent and the job in hand.

A biographical movie about a teen mom, shelving her hopes and ambitions temporarily, sacrificing her dreams waiting for a day to become reality. 

The struggle is real.

Though many of us watching this movie today may not relate to the teen mom, late college goer, since it is set in the ’60’s, it still reaches out to a lot of women. 

The marriage is forced, love is a word, raising a child is a job.

Never giving up on her dreams, her purpose is what gives her the strength.

The movie is made to be funny, Drew Barrymore as the struggling mom, makes it all seem possible. The hatred she feels for herself and the life she chose, does not seem tragic because of the light hearted comedy.

Life is not perfect, there are things we do for love, there are more that we do out of a sense of obligation. 

The  movie takes us on a wild ride from being a child to mom, to working mom to student to parent and author and an eye opener.  

She is not begging for pity, she chose her life, she chose to change her life.

Beverly comes across as hard and sarcastic, unsure if she loves her kid and not sure if she wants to be a mother.

She tells her son that she has lost a lot in life because of him. For a young kid, it may not be what he likes to hear, but I could relate a lot to these truths. He grows up in a never been loved environment. 

Towards the end of the movie, when she wonders if this job ever ends, I felt it!! 

As a parent, openly expressing hurt and anger towards your child would deem cause for a call to social welfare today by someone observing this. 

But in all honesty, having faced days that make me regret decisions I have made, hopes and dreams that I unlike Beverly have still not got the courage to pursue, I wonder.  

What is this unconditional love that I am supposed to have.

She has a strange way of showing her love as most overworked parents probably do. She seems hard and selfish, in reality she is just protecting herself and her son from the hurt, I would know. This too is love.

The ultimate realisation as she talks to her dad in the last scene makes you gasp!  Her son confronts her and expressed what she always felt with her parents.  But the quick understanding and acceptance makes you tear up.

She does not wait for the What If’s

"All life is, is three or four big days that change everything"

Riding in cars with boys

Pandemic Mom

I chose the life I lead.

I repeat this every time I am plagued with self doubt and guilt and a feeling of worthlessness. Yes it happens.

I avoid the Joneses, but their chandeliers, tinkling glasses and laughter and music and flashy vacations tend to creep into your silence. 

Parenting is an art a science a daily lesson. Another job that I undertook.

Some of us learn from the best, from our own, from the ones we talk to. Many like me learn through trials and errors and wins and failures. 

As a new parent, suddenly single, 15 years ago, I never had time to think, I just went with the flow. 

Everyday I tried. Waiting for the moment, not knowing what that was. 

When I was a learner, I asked myself: 

Am I enough, Do I do enough.

I questioned everything I offered and did not or could not. 

Was I doing the right thing by holding back or giving in.

Being used to taking my decisions on my own, being solely responsible for every financial, physical, emotional need, control was my game. I expected my children to be grateful for this. 

A need to push myself ahead in my career after several sacrifices,  the need to be present at work more than at home. 

I took for granted my right to work and leave the children behind.

Balance was just a word, I do not know if I achieved it.

With a support system in place, things worked out. My daughters achieved that balance. 

When the girls were no longer physically dependent on me, I took my breaks, with my trusted friends, hoping my daughters would not deny me my freedom.

Now, 15 years later, after learning how to argue over right and wrong with an absent parent, after learning how to take decisions emphasising on the custodial right, learning how to pick my  battles, learning how to face the crowd all on my own, learning how to love unconditionally even when I feel dead inside, learning to live by lists, I am unlearning. 

“It’s not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can’t tell me children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.” – Joyce Maynard

In 6 months, the daughter I saw off to nursery school, who cried when all others had stopped, when teachers told me not to drop her at school and see her off since she was trying to cope with abandonment issues at age 4, will be starting college. 

As I get ready for this new life, wondering if she will make it to college, while waiting for her younger sibling to graduate school the following year. I realise being home with them the whole time for the past 7 months during the pandemic, I need to unlearn. 

Control, Forcing decisions, Irrationality, Stereotyping

• It is ok to bend, you won’t break. 
• Problems exist in all relationships even with children, talk it out.
• Respect begets respect, Love returns love.
• Being honest with them, teaches them to be honest with you and others
• Say it, speak the words, I love you. I am sorry, I respect your needs.
• It is important to take walks with your children, not always rush, hurry, to classes, courses etc.
• You are enough. 

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. You find the fun and—snap!—the job's a game!" —Mary, Mary Poppins

The Space Between

 I exit often.

Exit from social media, chatting with friends, family or stepping out for a walk

Some people take this personally and consider me asocial. Friends get hurt, family think I’m losing it. 

I exist among my own, but in silence. 

This life I live made me realise the importance of retaining my sanity and slowing down.

I need the silence to hear my voice, to feel my thoughts, listen to my soul, breathe. Silence gives me strength.

The space and distance helps me rest, recover, heal.

Everyone has their own way of doing this, some need more noise, more crowds, more friends, more socialising, some retreat to the hills, beaches, jungles.

I am not weird, I am not anti anything, am just an overworked, worried mom, daughter, person. Who is not able to get away from the people around me, 

We live in a world that is so dependent on external sources for affirmations. 

Sense of entitlement, the ability to connect at an instant. The feeling of loss when the connection is not reciprocated. 

We don’t own the people we love even if we live with them, everyone is entitled to their space

My quiet moments provide me self affirmation. 

I am not running away from my problems, I am dealing with them in my own quiet way, I know you could have helped me if I had come to you with them, but I also know I can deal with them in my own silent way

My friend sent me a message when I needed it most ”Just checking on you, hope you are well, respect that you need your space, but letting you know I am there if you need me” 

These are my soulmates

And I would do the same for them.

And I am rarely out of reach and I do meet and talk in the space between.

I always return to chatting with friends, going out for walks/ runs/ catching up with my favourite folks and plenty of smiles.

It is not wrong to take time for self preservation, it is right to spend time to rest and reset.

"Quiet the mind, heal the source"

-Tiffany Stoffer