Tug Of War

This is part of my current interest in non English language movies.

It is about empathy, humanity and love. 

It is also about gender, class, justice and honour.

How the two sets merge  in a society ruled by moral and religious upbringing. 

Everyone is right in how they see their situation and the problem. Religious beliefs are weightier than the law. 

An Iranaian movie steeped in the diktats of Islamic Law.  A peep into their society.

The story is very touching and a modern day occurrence for many families today, single adult children and old sickly parents.

The struggle to provide for the younger generation without ignoring the growing needs of the older generation

It is sad that the child is a pawn and is dragged around and entrusted with so much responsibility at a young age.

The movie never shows the young girl playing or talking with friends, instead it is always about duties.

Divorce one would assume in such a religious orthodox setting, would come with its stigma, but we see the woman emboldened to make decisions which she feels would be beneficial to her child. 

The differences which never existed and seemed unacceptable for a cause for separation at the beginning, by the end of the movie becomes irreconcilable. 

So beautifully has the situation been portrayed to reflect the changing relationship

A film filled with love without expectations.

An investigator filled with sympathy, but ruled by the law. 

The housekeeper filled with remorse, guided by only her religious beliefs 

The head of the house filled with desperation, laced with guilt

The child filled with sadness, governed by ethics

The mother filled with purpose, driven by love.

"A Separation"  won an Oscar Award for Best Foreign Language Film in 2012

A Story of Their Lives

A friend convinced me into watching this Malayalam movie, I finally gave in when I had some time during the lockdown.

Luckily the movie had subtitles in English, yes, the language helped relate better with the characters and locale. 

Set completely in a small fishing island village named Kumbalangi, this movie is about a dysfunctional family. Living in a run down, incomplete house.

My roots draw me to movies and books set in in villages which thrive on fishing. Those scenes take me back to memories of holidays, watching the boats come in, the vastness of the sea, the argumentative villagers.

There are no heroes, though I fell in love with Franky the youngest sibling. The brothers share a love hate relationship, the oldest brother is wasted, the next one is a mute, loves his life and his brothers, the 3rd sibling is a happy go lucky person, waiting for no one and nothing in particular, the youngest a school kid trying to keep the family together.

There are no stereotypes, yes the men all love their drink anytime of the day, they kick each other around, the women are strong characters who are not there to save the menfolk, but to live their own lives. By being themselves, the women encourage the men to change and improve their ways.

The story touches upon mental illness, toxic masculinity, where one of the men calls himself a " complete man" and we can feel his anger, his male supremacy, his ego and finally how holding it all in makes him lose his mind. 

It shows a grown man asking for help and breaking down and how that moment of acceptance changes his life. 

I can relate to how the action of your parents and upbringing can reflect upon your behaviour later in life, It can be the good or the bad that you learn from your parents. This is so beautifully depicted in the movie where it all turns out good.

The movie moves from being a slow motion life where each one lives for himself, a feeling of abandonment and hopelessness, to a fast paced fight for survival, filled with purpose, support and coming together, silently doing things for each other. 

Love is the binding force between the brothers, though not all are born of the same parents. The movie moves from the brothers sharing such a small space and being small minded selfish people, fighting for even a bed to sleep on, the space expands when their hearts open up, take on so many more lovingly giving them everything they own.  

Finally a home is built.

The soundtrack is soothing, the background music is timely and lifts the movie up 2-3 notches. 

The cinematography takes you on boat rides, still waters, calm nights, stolen glances, innocent love.

Makes me wonder why I waited so long to watch this masterpiece.

Kumbalangi Nights - A Movie

The Secret Club

This is something that is never spoken out loud, Maybe with just one other trusted friend. We feel ashamed for who we are, sometimes blaming ourselves for the situation. And continue in the relationship. 
Previously never heard of, this could often reflect in platonic friendships and also found among dating and married couples.

Toxic relationships

One of the most common tactics used is gaslighting. Where the abuser makes the victim question their own perception and judgement.“I’m not listening to that crazy talk anymore” or “You’re too sensitive.”

“Stop complaining.” "You ask too much from me"

They guilt trip you into thinking any failure or misunderstanding is only because of you expecting too much of the other person.
They conveniently disappear when you have an emotional need.
Arrogant not from an intellectual supremacy , but more from a know it all narcissism. 
They are never wrong, even when they admit they are wrong, there will be clauses to invalidate that. 
Their favourite punishment is the silent treatment, openly telling you they will block you or stop talking to you because you need to learn a lesson.

Ending a toxic relationship is emotionally taxing. It takes us months, years of knowing someone to accept that you are a victim of such a relationship, by which time it is too late, we are in love and too deeply involved with the person. 

In today's fast paced world, making friends is not easy, it takes time, effort, patience, understanding to find a match, and we are scared to lose that person with whom we have shared happy moments, our deepest secrets. They are attentive, giving, loving,  

Slowly, we become their toys, our emotions their playground. We feel scared like a child who has done something wrong and is waiting for a punishment. 

We get confused every time they blow hot and cold. slowly as years pass by, we are not as open with them as we were, yet we continue acting it out. A mask is in place.

They wait for you to come back running to them asking for forgiveness knowing very well they are at fault and they make it seem like it was always your fault, even while accepting the apology, " you expect too much from me, you take me for granted, I have a life outside of you, next time I won't be so forgiving"   

They enjoy watching you run after them, making them feel important, indispensable, taking a sadistic pleasure in your pain. They boast about the fact that they just have to wait for the other to run to them, because they were right.

"How did I miss the red flags? 

The gaslighting, the pity party, the absence of presence”

"Blame Shifting and projecting their malignant traits onto their partners during conversations, while using a false charismatic self to make their victims look like the crazy ones. It's almost as if they hand off their own traits and shortcomings to their victims as if to say "here take my pathology, I don't want it" "Shahida Arabi

To the outside world the victim seems happy, they seem to go about their work, other relationships with normalcy, social media reflects that, yet no one knows the internal confusion and emotional upheaval they are going through. The whole experience has left them feeling worthless, sad. A decision to leave that relationship is not just a momentary thought but a long drawn, well thought out feeling.

Help that friend, when they reach out to you. 

It takes courage to walk out of such a toxic relationship, they need a friend to see them through to help stay away from running back to the other person. 

They came to you for help.  

It is not easy to admit when you are hurt and broken. They trusted only you. 

Do not judge them. It may take an emotional toll on you, yet be there for them, help them establish boundaries. 

Do not ignore them or belittle their pain talking about your own. 

“True friends are those who came into your life, saw the most negative part of you, but are not ready to leave you, no matter how contagious you are to them.” 

― Michael Bassey Johnson, The Infinity Sign

Yes, this is all something I have experienced and today I am at peace after one such difficult ending of a 10 year saga. 

It has taken its toll on me, I am lucky to have been home during this whole detox season. 

Physical distances and space has helped me rebuild my self worth and reaffirm my faith in my emotions. I am whole again.

“Not all friends know they have lost you.” 

― Joyce Rachelle 

Bird song

Almost 800 pages!! Of small print. But I had the time and the patience, you require both to go through this detailed tome.

There are times I wondered why the book was so detailed, at times I loved the vivid detailing.

Moments when I loved Theo for his innocence, moments when I wondered if his coldness could get tot me. 

Can love it, easy to hate it. A coming of age novel spread across cities, visiting countries.

The central figure as the title mentions is the painting. It revolves around loss and finding.

The protagonist Theo loses his mother to a bombing incident very early in the story. But he finds something at the same time. Something his mom loved- the Goldfinch. painting of a bird chained to a perch.The rest of the story is about  the bad choices Theo makes, the company he seeks, the opportunities he loses, his binge drinking, drug addictions, thieving, cheating, wily ways.There is a sense of disgust for the person he has become for the shallow life he leads. The storyline repels you, there is no reason to pity the person he has become, just disappointment. Sure there is PTSD, but that does not justify the reclusive behaviour .

But I kept reading, 

The author weaves the story around the main character with so much detail, the imagery is so vivid.

I could smell the old furniture store, walk  the deserted street in Vegas where Theo lives with his dad and Xandra, burn with the fever which punishes him in Amsterdam, hear Boris coaxing Theo to run amuck.

At times the descriptive writing goes on for pages without much being said. The ending could have come sooner.

The book will not be a recommendation from me to my daughter for it is a lesson on "how not to live your life and ruin it" or in a rebellious mode, it could turn into "how to live my life to ruin it”T he author makes it worthwhile through her descriptive prose, if she wanted us to be disgusted and repulsed, she has done well with the story.

The movie which I watched almost 4 months after I read the book, left me wondering if this was the same story.

It has been shredded, to fit into an acceptable screening time.The descriptive writing is absent in the movie and does not do justice to the details in the book.

It is rushed and seems to go back and forth between the years. The 2 1/2 hours of movie time had to be broken down to allow the mind time to recover between the various stages of life.

There is no humour at all and leaves you frowning, And I liked my visualisation while I read the book better than what is portrayed in the movie.

Give it a miss if you are a reader. Give it a miss if you like watching movies!

“But sometimes, unexpectedly, grief pounded over me in waves that left me gasping; and when the waves washed back, I found myself looking out over a brackish wreck which was illumined in a light so lucid, so heartsick and empty, that I could hardly remember that the world had ever been anything but dead.”

― Donna Tartt, The Goldfinch

Family Ties

The burning question existing today: Does loss make us immune to love? 

A  tiny coastal hamlet (near Marseilles) a summer hotspot out of season, ageing siblings coming to terms with the effects of modernisation and loss. 

A slow drama, the brothers and sister are full of both nostalgia and anger; an inheritance to discuss from a father still alive, but silent, unmoving. An old couple, neighbours, family friends, struggling to survive, their young son, wanting to support them, and a young fisherman, who craves something intellectual in his otherwise silent life. 

It is about family dynamics about the past, regrets, life, death, but manages to escape sinking into boredom by looking at their changing relationships in the present. 

Very few laughable moments, but not so dark that it makes you cry. 

The one painful moment in the movie was the old couple and the decisions they take for themselves,  it is thought provoking and makes us look beyond the everyday. 

The movie takes us on slow and thoughtful walks, mending past relationships, closing on the present bitterness. Building stronger bonds and creating love out of loss. 

Instead of making it a political movie about immigrants and their causes, the director deftly uses the issues to delve into the hearts of the family members and allows them to rediscover the compassion they’ve lost during their own struggles. 

A representative film, an old house, no longer filled with life, its beauty faded but a glimmer of hope for the future through near death and new love.

This is about aging and how each one handles the change, the passage of time and regret. About taking chances with life as we heal. 

About rekindling hope and finding home. 

The House By The Sea/La Villa

The Asylum Seekers

How can something so tragic be portrayed so lovingly.

The movie follows the lives of two refugees from Central Africa, brothers, who are seeking asylum. They have left their well paid, intellectual jobs after violence in their home country forced them to come find safety for themselves in another country.

Suffering the loss of home and family and everything they have been familiar with, the young children remain strong, hopeful, loving through all the uncertainty.

Innocence lost too early.

They all find love, which is always held back in fear of that too being taken away.  There are tender moments, which shine through all the pain.

How do you hold onto your intellect and stature and finally give up that one thing you owned- dignity. 

I watch movies set in France for their beautiful locale, the Parisian love and lust for life and vibrancy.

What is most obvious here is not the presence but absence.  Lack of status, the loss of dignity, the sense of not being welcome, and of running out of legal options if there is to be any chance of remaining.

The characters merge with the dull background, the chill in the air so well portrayed through the silent and austere living. 

This movie shows the other side of French living.

How does one government decide whom to grant or deny asylum? 

The movie ends up denouncing the system which considers migrants as just bodies to be moved across cities to serve a singular purpose, rather than a humanitarian approach to  help settle and build hope for them.

The story touches you deeply now in times of the migrant crisis that has taken over my country during the recent COVID pandemic.

Home remains a hope and dream for many.

A SEASON IN FRANCE (UNE SAISON EN FRANCE)

The Makeover Challenge

The lockdown has me at home, needing distractions from the turmoil and angst I feel.

I tried looking at all my pending Udemy course

Did not go too far.

Tried reading non fiction books,the words were blurred. 

I decided to do mindless things. Watching movies and reading fiction made sense.

Brittany Runs a Marathon

This was one of the first few movies I watched.

A story of triumph, resilience, worthiness. 

Brittany's story is common. She is common.

Her life is a rut.

Broke, proud to ask for help. 

What she does decide to do after a much needed wake up call is change.

The thoughts and actions are relatable.

Fighting your emotional battles physically is something I have related to always

She sets out to achieve her goal. The New York City marathon seems like an overkill for a first, but then that's what goals are about right! 

The losing out on previous relationships because of your new found purpose and passion, finding new friends to support them are all sad and happy.

We see her succeeding, loving life. 

Then she falls, fails miserably. 

Allows herself to wallow in self pity again...

But since now she is in control of her life, she knows how to pick herself up again and goes back to her goals.

Her transformation is astounding. 

And real.

This time she does it, and she has all her viewers cheering for her. 

The movie is sad, funny, emotional, uplifting. 

To help you feel good in times when you need a laugh, when you need to know you are not alone.

It's not just another movie script, but based on the real life story of a friend of the Director of the movie- Britanny O'Neil 

If you are looking for marathon training tips, this is not for you.

If you want to believe you can start something and do that you have never done before, this is for you. 

Mask of Sorrow

I walk down the road, there are many walking by, alone or in two's.

14 years of walking, cycling and running down the same road.

Many came, many left. Some stayed. 

I always move on, never have time to stop and stare, 

Always in a hurry, always on the go.

A wide smile, a loud, hurried hello and I go rushing by. 

The road remains the same, the people the same.

Now life as I know it has changed.

I have no place to go. Life in slow motion.

I walk by, there are no loud hellos, a far off wave and we are off.

Each one wary of the other.

Yet, the quick smile, now with the eyes.

Strange, but comfortingly familiar.

Each of us carrying our worries silently inside our heads, the outward smile on the face, now hidden behind layers of cloth.

Words are scarce, muffled, muted.  

Our pain is masked.

“The eyes are the mirror of the soul and reflect everything that seems to be hidden; and like a mirror, they also reflect the person looking into them- Paulo Coelho 

My pain and fear reflect in the eyes that smile at me. 

Sometimes I recognise the person, other times, the eyes meet and unite the soul.

Together we silently take a vow to fight this together.  

Now the window to our soul speaks louder than the words which flowed easily. 

The smile temporarily hiding the sorrow.

I read the below words recently and shared this as a reminder on what is normal now. 

"I wear a mask in public, not for me, but for YOU. 

I want you to know that I am educated enough to know that, although I have been very careful, I could be asymptomatic and still give you the virus. 

I don’t “live in fear” of the virus-- I just want to be a part of the solution, not the problem. 

I don’t feel the “government is controlling me”; I feel like I’m being a contributing adult to society and I want to teach children the same. 

I want them to grow up as I did knowing that the world doesn’t revolve around me... that it’s not all about me and my personal comfort...that if we all could live with the consideration of others in mind, this whole world would be a much better place.

Wearing a mask doesn’t make me weak, scared, stupid or even “controlled”; it makes me considerate. "

Talk To Me

My daughters have always been asking me what I do at work.
Have never been able to explain to them since I do not have a defined job description which can be explained with a designation.
A fluid role, I have taken on anything it takes to get the job done.
Since we have all been working from home for almost 2 months now (wow) they have been listening and watching me work from the other room.
At times they see me on the computer talking and typing away furiously, sometimes with my phone while on mute, washing utensils or cooking, occasionally when I am on my laptop and phone doing the talking and typing.
Often I am talking on the phone passionate and emotional.
Video calls have been with a lot of lag and either I see or hear, something always tends to break for me or the other person(s) thanks to our poor internet connectivity. 

 For someone who never considers my phone as my appendix, I now take it around the house with me as I move around. This mobile has been my constant companion.
I have strict rules about the mobile not being present at the dining table and I have successfully followed that even during these days when calls are how I work.
With so many work calls, I realised I have not spoken to friends, so used to meeting them or chatting on WhatsApp, this too is a new norm yet to get used to. 

This post is not about calls and the time I spend on them.This is about the clarity, the brevity, the voice and modulation that some people have while talking over the phone.Many still do not know how they sound when they are talking through an instrument,Just like me, they too are probably multitasking, I see people walking and talking, with a mask over their mouth. 

Please take a minute to understand the struggle we are all going through. Phone fatigue is real, it affects me that so many calls are filled with echoes, voice breaking, missed words. We rush to speak, not waiting for the other to complete, not knowing if it's our turn, in turn losing out on what the other has been saying. 

Last night I spoke to someone on a work related call and had interacted very briefly in person a few months ago. This was a 45 minute call, where he spoke slowly, with sufficient pause, had planned this conversation well, which means, he gave me time to talk after he had voiced his opinion, the subject of the call was unpleasant, but his preparation and voice modulation, made it much easier for me to end it with a sense of satisfaction and clear action. 

This note is as much for me as for a larger audience.While talking in person, we give them our full attention, do so even while on a voice call.
Please go prepared when you get into a call, schedule it so that each person has time to plan their points and note it down. Set aside time, do not allow background noise and other distractions take away the importance of this call. Speak slowly, Pause, allow the other time to respond.
Picture them while you talk, hear their emotions. 

Makes for a better phone experience!

Running on Empty

All the cheerful optimism and forced positivity makes my anxiety worsen.

The knowledge that the whole world is suffering, does not diminish the pain I am going through.

Yes, all the preaching strikes a momentary chord and makes me eager to make changes to how I am coping.

But then again as the day progresses and the environment becomes claustrophobic and expectations become unbearable, the whole situation seems to collapse on my head.

I try to find occasions to be thankful for, to create for myself a sense of gratitude.

I try to spend 30 minutes a day expending energy and building up a sweat indoors. 

I try to focus for a while on the mundane activities, to distract myself from things I am not able to control.

My mind is filled with regrets, the prayer which was a meditation refuses to calm me, my religion has failed me. 

It's not easy when the constant bombardment focuses on the mosquito which we squat all the while we are sweeping the elephant under the carpet.

Would this have been different if I had someone to talk to without being judged for my anger or fears?

Would this have been different if I had made choices which seemed selfish at that time?

Would this have been different if I had someone to share my burden and not consciously ignore what is obvious?

Would this have been different if I were alone?

I am left feeling empty.Though I have a full house. 

I crave for silence inside my head. 

I am trying!