The empty seat next to me

A school trip, by bus. We wait for our friends to come sit next to us. We reserve a place for them. It shows to the world how important you are and to us a moral confidence.

There are times when the seat remains empty.  Disappointment, brave face. 

Note to Self

If you want that seat to remain empty for long, longer than the journey......read....

The author goes on a 300+ page rant.

Life must be tough for a 24 year old today.

I remember 24!

Being in love, beaches, studies, worries, heartbreaks! Laughter, Fun, New life.

I don't remember depression, anxiety, self praising, frustration. Running away.

His first attempt at writing was interesting, snippets of his thoughts which made the reader think. 

He has taken a different approach with this book. 

A lot of pretentious poetry, a lot of letters and notes to a different self. 

Unforgiving. 

Rambling.

Oozing sarcasm.

Punctuated!

Maybe I do not understand being gay, but living in a land which openly accepts his preferences, definitely no disadvantages there. 

There are some points on handling depression and surviving those days, But by then you have given up reading and liking it. Does not strike anything inside you.

Some of his abstract photographs are good, which we know he is good at. 

Would you spend so much of time and money on a book you can't wait to finish and put away! 

If he would remember- that we are human, flawed, learn to forgive himself first and that we are all worthy of love. This book could have been a good read.

May not have left me longing for a good friend in the empty seat he left behind.

Note to Self- Avoid in Future!

Note to Self- Connor Franta


PS: The empty seat as we grow older has more significance especially on a long plane journey!

The Seekers

Roses Roses all the way, the town is famous for export of roses especially during Valentine's Day!

Some things are worth waiting for!

So it was with the weekend that went by. 

Many misses, many nays, many let's do it, before it finally happened.

Everyone loves a day away from routine, a day to unwind as we have taken to call it.

I look forward to such moments especially when it involves time with friends. 

"Let's go to the farm" a constant invite, " Bring your kids along" the deterrent!

With so many dependencies to manage, it never did happen.

Finally, a decision and a date blocked weeks in advance.

Planning is not my friend's forte, which though a little unnerving initially, I have learnt to accept. I know I've had the best times with him! 

We constantly seek peace, answers to the daily problems we face at work, relationships, money, health, future. Leaving behind a chaotic mind.

The wide open spaces gives you the answers.

There is nothing more beautiful than nature in its raw form.

No pretensions, no one-upmaniship, no greed.

It teaches you respect, gives you plenty. 

The green countryside, gentle breeze rustling through the weeds and the leaves, the playful clucking of fowls, the eerie sounds of the night. 

Calmness, silence, stars, fond melodies from afar.

Chatter of friends. 

Quiet of the morning, the hues of the skies, the mooing cows in the distance. Tea.

Walks through villages, birds, goats, ducks, smiles. Laughter! 

Rejuvenation. Peace!

 

A Gift to Self

Birthdays come but once a year.

Every passing year we yearn to make it special, celebrate with special friends, do something different. Make it memorable.

Birthday month not being far away, this year I decided to do something different again.

Nothing that needed anyone else's support, but just my will power.

A friend had told me I complain a lot! As unbelievable as it sounded to me, being human we never accept our mistakes, I decided to act on this seemingly negative trait.

Never satisfied, expect more, lose hope, distrust- these are common causes for us to get frustrated and start complaining about our situation. There are habitual cribbers who take pleasure in draining the energy out of you with their complaints. They do not want your help or advice, just want to dump their problems on you and want to remain unhappy. 

I am sure I am not one of these!! 

And then there are the ones who yes, complain, though I would not call it complaining, but those seeking a solution. They state their problem and also know how to address it.  

Of course, I am no saint, I cannot deny that I don't complain. I do. Plentiful, about small, inane stuff! I too seek to transfer my pathetic sorry state onto someone just for some momentary relief. 

I have been a receiver too. After all misery loves company. 

Thats when I realised, since I do complain after all( there I accept my mistake) others take liberty to do it to me!

Complaining also has scientific and medical implications!

It releases the stress hormone cortisol!! This puts our body into "fight or flight mode" which means more all systems concentrate in one area and make us prone to heart disease and diabetes.

As we sow, so we reap, it's a killer disease as well. The silent killer, being around people who complain makes us one of them, we imbibe from them and become them! 

Our hippocampus the problem solving and logical part of the brain shrinks with constant complaining, making us illogical and unreasonable!

This surely needs immediate remedial action!

So here comes the challenge!

A gift to self!

The 66 days challenge!

I did some research and practice on the 21 day challenge!

It definitely takes more than 21 days for a habit to stick!

It takes 21 days for the idea to sink in, more for the habit to stick and sustain for ever!

So the magic number research says is 66.

Why wait for July 1st to start this practice, today is a good day as ever. Making me ready for a brand new birthday this year! 

I commit myself not to complain.

It will be difficult to begin with since most of my complaints are petty, related to work, friends, traffic. Unconsciously, I know I tend to do it. But slowly, once I know that even these are a NO NO since taking up this challenge, am sure I will think twice before  complaining about the small stuff as well. 

Of course, complaints which produce a positive result will be allowed!

I do hope my neurons trigger my happy hormone 'serotonin' leading to a better me soon and I remain 'dopamined' in the future!!!

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it,

change your attitude. Don’t complain.” – Maya Angelou

Comfortably Numb

While at the gym today, the owner of the gym was back in town after a long training session around the country.

I got chatting with him and realised he had a front tooth missing! Very conspicuous by its sudden absence.

He was conscious about it! Was it a recent accident during his last trip? Oh no, this is a 20 year old injury, never set right.

Frequent visits to dentists, many trial, more errors, finally he had to remove it to try one new experiment.

The painful process, emotions and reminders of past treatments, now have left him comfortably numb he said.

The past few weeks have seen me go back and forth on various emotions-happiness, anger, sadness, frustration, fear!! 

This led to breaking away from routine, pushing beyond possibility and at times, giving in to the emotions.

Several chocolates, ice creams, cream filled biscuits and many guilt kms later..........

''There is no pain, you are receding

A distant ship smoke on the horizon

You are only coming through in waves

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child I had a fever

My hands felt just like two balloons

Now I've got that feeling once again

I can't explain, you would not understand

This is not how I am

I have become comfortably numb''

Pain leaves us weak, drained out; an emotional wreck.

Especially if you are someone who wears their emotions on their sleeve.

When you know you are hurting but the other remains blissfuly untouched, the pain suddenly multiplies.

''Just a little pin prick

There'll be no more aaaaaaaah!

But you may feel a little sick

Can you stand up?

I do believe it's working, good

That'll keep you going through the show

Come on, it's time to go.''

Words, said in anger, linger.

Being human, pain is a constant.

But

slowly.....

''There is no pain you are receding

A distant ship smoke on the horizon

You are only coming through in waves

Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

When I was a child

I caught a fleeting glimpse

Out of the corner of my eye

I turned to look but it was gone

I cannot put my finger on it now

The child is grown

The dream is gone

I have become comfortably numb.''

Pink Floyd " Comfortably Numb"