Physician, Heal Thyself...

“In case you hadn’t noticed, you have a mental dialogue going on inside your head that never stops. It just keeps going and going. Have you ever wondered why it talks in there? How does it decide what to say and when to say it?”

The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself, Michael A Singer

This was exactly my mind for the past 2 weeks! 

What went wrong, was I right, is this the right thing, maybe it's fine! Should I try, I could knock.....

The mind is a dangerous tool, it can trick you when you are at your lowest into believing what your heart speaks! 

How does the mind know? Should I listen to my heart instead? 

Have you been a sounding board to many of your friends and acquaintances? Have you been their conscience when theirs fled them? Have you been their voice of wisdom when sense did not prevail in them?

And having read books, journals, articles on how to help people overcome losses and pains in life, experiencing some on your own, you become quite an empath.

And so it was that Denial, soon gave in to Anger! The mind winning the constant battle with the heart during this phase!!

But it did not last long, the heart being stronger in feelings, went into a Bargaining mode with the Mind! 

Neither one could claim victory, soon, both gave up the fight!! 

Depression is a killer! But, being an expert in handling heartaches and breakups, having helped many overcome this battle, I felt I was strong. 

Acceptance is not easy! But it makes life easy!!

Giving in to the strength of the mind, the words of wisdom spoken through pain, the mind accepts and the heart succumbs to it!!

Words spoken, suddenly, in a brief chat window, do not matter anymore!! Exposed for the emptiness of what it was and is.

Sweet is the taste of freedom! it is a release of happy thoughts again!  Your eyes not clouded by tears, the face not stretched in sorrow, instead a smile brightens your day! 

No more is there a need to be met by others, empathy soon giving in to self love! 

And that is how it is ended! And that is how it will be!! 

The time had come!

“Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person.” 

Back When We Were Grownups, Anne Tyler

Be The Flow

“Add your splash of color to the world.” 
― Connor Franta, A Work in Progress

It seemed natural to read a book titled 

"A Work in Progress" when you believe you are a work in progress yourself!! And your blog represents that!!

This book came as a recommendation from my second born. I have not read too many Young Adult books which my daughters read because it is all about fantasy fiction and I just don't get it!!

This one was special to them!

It is a book by a YouTuber!! Now if you were anything like me, you would blink twice too!! and probably seek google!

I asked them again and again and again! YouTuber? What's that!

Well, they make money posting YouTube Videos! Its a career!!!Vlogger!!

This book is a memoir. By a 22 year old YouTuber called Connor Franta! 

Don't memoirs need experience that comes with age and living and struggling? 

The girls had loved the book, so I decided to give it a try!

My March read, while they studied for their exams, I kept them company.

I did not cloud my judgements by watching any of his videos on YouTube or reading a review of the book online.

Overall comment:

I liked it!

I never thought I would. 

I started off reading it with a bit of hesitation, wondering what would I learn from a spoilt kid's view of life.

His book reads like a blog!! 

He talks about growing up pains, his identity, belongingness, individuality, passion, fear, art, sports.  Life.

At any age, life is the same, we live,lose, laugh, cry. The feelings and emotions we experience differ because of our maturity in handling them over several occasions. 

Some people may not like the prose, since its not a story. This is what made it interesting, because it was not a biography. 

His style of writing is advanced. Conversational but not too informal. Tastefully Simple.

Now i do understand why my kids talk the way they do! Punctuated heavily!! 
Colourful photographs as well!!

The book and the flow works on you and I started liking how he touches on the surface of a variety of topics. Leaves you forming your own opinions and reflecting on your own situations. Nice! 

A quick interesting read!

“Who are you? Answer; you are who you are in this given moment. Label-less. Limitless. Remember that from this day forward.” 

― Connor Franta, A Work in Progress

Harakiri

Always enjoy a good travelogue!

We may not get to travel everywhere, but get a chance to experience the world through the more fortunate.

And after all , 

Travel is flight and pursuit in equal parts.

So, I had bought a few books online to help with my book a month goal for the year.

The Great Railway Bazaar by Paul Theroux, had some good reviews.

Liked that it did a round the world tour on trains.

Train journeys have always fascinated me as well, 

traveling to and fro from college to home, the long 2 night journey to New Delhi from Chennai,  the Goa to New Delhi experience!! 

The book was first published in 1975

That probably explains the sad conditions of many a trains.

What surprised me was the ease of drinking on the trains!! and the ease of getting tickets!

He had a destination in mind and an itinerary. He was also familiar with some of the places he wished to travel.

He travels from London, Europe and parts of Asia.

Beyond this, the book fails to impress.

He talks in length about the passengers, none of whom he engages with wholeheartedly and most of them he holds in contempt!

He talks about the sad conditions of the trains, the berths, the sleeping arrangements, am sure things have changed since then.

He describes poverty like it is a sin, he explains about the platforms, never really experiencing the cities or country he travels through.

He loves a drinking partner and spends most of his journey drinking!!

His goal is achieved, touching stations, buying tickets, eating railway food, cursing the poor.

A little bit of humour is seen at places, but not worth a read for those few insights!

Once he reaches Japan, he becomes self righteous, contemptuous, pompous, flaunting rules and money easily.

He has a strong opinion on places, people, cultures!!

He also has a few lectures to deliver across the globe, wonder how he manages to organise them in some of the most far off places!!! This covers the cost of most of his travel!! 

After a while ( the book is long- about 380 pages) you lose interest, it becomes predictable, get on, get off,haggle, curse, drink, sleep!  

If you want a travelogue, give it a miss! 

What made it worse was Amazon's quality of print!

It made reading difficult. What could have been a 3 week read, made for an uninspiring , let me get done with this book. Happy it ended!

I do have one more of his book to read, will wait it out before I reach for it!

Not a memorable read!!!

Phantom Pains

Many years ago.....7 years ago, I was dedicated to running!

Weekends were spent on social running, weekdays were all about early mornings.

To a point of obsession!!

Introduced newly to the 21Km distance, it was exhilarating to be able to run longer than an hour!!

This passion and obsession is what helped me, an otherwise subdued person at kiddie parties, to talk to someone.

Someone, with a similar interest.

We talked, a lot! We found several other common threads!

Natural progressions

He progressed towards 21kms, 42kms, improving himself.

And so did our relationship.

Slowly, like my distances, but improving over time!

Have you noticed this with runner friends, they have a lot to talk about? races, places, timing, shoes, injuries, bad days, training, diet.... And they never get bored!!! Time flies!!

Years flew past, Many races were run, Some joys were celebrated, some failures saw tears together! 

 Injuries happened, but the comforters were close by.

Time and distance were of no consequence. 

Till one day, the race was never run!

Injuries remained! 

The pain grew!

Distances seemed a challenge!

Stress fracture they called it! 

Rest they said!

Distances stretched! Just like the silence! 

The mind weakened, the body slowed down, the heart craved for more!

Rest cured the broken bone, but the silence could not heal the broken heart!

A Big Bang Theory

Recently there was an article by Osho in the TOI on 1st March 2017 

http://www.speakingtree.in/article/do-you-know-who-your-true-friend-is

We all pride ourselves on being a good friend.

We doubt those who are not one for us when we need them.

In this writeup Osho talks about 

''But don't ask, "Who is a real friend?" Ask, "Am i a real friend?" Always be concerned with yourself''

Is it human nature to give without expecting?  Are we wired to share ourselves and everything we have without expecting anything in return?

if not immediately, what about when we are in need?

I am a giver, it makes me uncomfortable to receive. 

Be it gifts, love, help. 

Maybe because I have been single and fiercely independent for so long, not having anyone to do things for you because it is the natural thing to do or because the one person I accepted, denied me forever. 

It makes you closed to receiving because you fear that makes you vulnerable.

Giving is in your control and you feel happy to give and even if the giving stops, it won't hurt.

I never ask for help unless I am desperate for it or if am so close to someone that it makes me feel comfortable asking for help.

Be it something as simple as a lift or a drop somewhere, or even them explaining something I do not know. 

Osho says: 

''Friendship has to be a sharing. If you have something share it -- and whosoever is ready to share with you is a friend. It is not a question that when you are in danger the friend has to come to your aid. If he comes you are grateful, but if he does not come, it's perfectly okay. It is his decision to come or not to come. You will not say to him, "When I was in need you didn't turn up -- what kind of friend are you?"

Allowing yourself to get a little close to someone, exposes you to that expectations.

The one thing I always needed help with was running! 

A fear or ignorance, made me ask for help.

And there were friends who helped me make that start towards something which today is a lifeline. 

Early mornings, late evenings, deserted trails, crowded parks.

They were there, 8 years ago. 

Today, I am still grateful to those friends and I try and show my gratitude by giving! Love, small tokens of happiness, time.

But when it needed to progress beyond their comfort zone, I turned to others with more experience. 

Little did I realise, that relationships were different, people were different. 

Not everyone treats you the same. 

I gave someone so much of myself, never expecting anything in return! Friendship of the highest form.

yet it made me ask 

"When I was in need you didn't turn up -- what kind of friend are you?"

Not once, not twice, every time!

That made me doubt my relationship, was it not wrong to expect! 

And so I told myself to continue giving!  Trained my mind not to expect!!

When they are willing to give that same help to others, their time for others, denying you... again and again....

we tend to ask, am I giving enough, maybe I am not! 

Is this not the Golden Rule?

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you

or

Maybe they don't consider me a friend. 

So I end up giving more of myself!

Was I trying too hard to be nice! 

Like everyday, you wake up to smell the roses and realise the bushes are pruned!!

It is necessary they say.

Maybe that is the sign. That was the message I had overlooked! 

This Is How We Did It

Circa 1995

A small town girl.

Brought up as an Orthodox Catholic

Kissing scenes censored by a voice and a remote.

Forward to 1996

A small town girl in a party city.

Brought up as an Orthodox Catholic, now residing in a co-ed hostel.

Kissing scenes censored by a voice and a remote, now sees legs entwined on beds.

As Kids, music was our life!
That was the only constant as we grew up!

Boyzone's version of the original BeeGees 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_Rut4qm33g

was the hostel anthem!

Every lovelorn boy sang along!

Many a heart swooned over those words,hoping she was the one!

Bryan Adams spoke so emotionally to us all 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hq2KgzKETBw

I would be lying if I said i did not feel a thing!

We danced the night to Macarena

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anzzNp8HlVQ

We kissed to Celine Dion

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDxoj-tDDIU

and Boyz II Men crooning

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fV8vB1BB2qc

Delicious

Fell in love with Backstreet Boyz and 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug88HO2mg44

We made love to Elton John 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B93Tir6l5FA

We shared the pain of Toni Braxton

weeping to

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p2Rch6WvPJE

We came back to life Tubthumping

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LODkVkpaVQA

We loved life, we lived it everyday!

There was never a dull moment with music to keep us company!

Fast forward 2017

Where has all the Music gone?