In 'Abs'entia

The pen drops to the floor- "Kuttima can you pick it up please, I can't bend"

''Aaaah'' thats me in the rest room- "what happened'' ''Nothing, I can't sit down, it hurts!!''

''Let's take the lift up'' Says Me. '' It's only 2 floors, let's take the stairs''  She says " I can't lift my leg kannae'' me again!

"Baby, can you comb my hair and tie my hair up, I can't lift my hands"

''Kannama, can you come and sit on my thighs a bit''

Chellam, can you lift my dress up please, I can't feel my arms''

''Somebody come wash my hair for meeeee''

" Why are you walking all crooked, You look like an old lady'' 

''Press my back, I can't move''

''I hate her'' ''I am never going back again''

"Am dead, am going to sleep" "Mother!!!!! Its 8:15 pm"

These and much more are what is constantly heard at home the past few months.

Ever since I started working out at the gym.  

This was a conscious decision after several years of running to help me stay injury free and help build muscles and strengthen bones. 

Yes, it has its charm, has its positives, but there are days when the negatives outweigh it all!!

I scream bloody murder while working out, I cry while lifting, I scowl while crawling, I curse while squatting! I bluntly refuse to move! 

Yet everyone at the gym knows I am enjoying it all! They don't give up on me.

It all started with a DNF and me going through bouts of depression and loss of confidence. I decided to do what it takes to not go through this again.

I did what I had never done before! Entered the gym. I chose one close to work, to make it easier to slip in and slip out. 

I chose one which did not look at a treadmill and cycle as the 'go to' workout in a gym,

I chose to pay for the whole year, so I would stick to it.

i choose to train with a trainer to help me figure out what I had to do.

The journey so far....

I have lost a bit of fat, gained some muscle mass.  My weight has not reduced beyond 1 Kg in the past 9 months. 

Partially because I have not changed my diet in anyway. I still eat and drink the way I like, have not cut down on sweets either!! I refuse to take any supplements to my diet. 

This pains my trainer, but then I have my preferences!!!

I have become a more stable runner, I did have a stress fracture during all this, yet,I continued training at the gym, though the running came to a standstill.

Today I still balk at 65 Kgs and 50 kgs, I still wonder what she's talking about when she says Bulgarian squat, lateral pull down, chin ups and more such jargons!! 

If it's my gym work out day, my kids ask me in the evening,"Did you go to the gym? What did you do? "

And I tell them, upper body work out or lower body or DBC ( how I fondly refer to cardio workouts- death by cardio) 

''Mama, if you are doing all this and are running - (my running schedule is pinned up so all can see, everyday! every night! every time the lights / fan are turned on or off!! )

Where are your Abs?"

I am stumped too!

"In 'abs'entia darling"

Bush Tea

Train journeys can be a pleasant experience depending on the company you have!

And when conversations start over books, you know its bound to get interesting. 
One such journey began with a book and a recommendation.

When you have a book a month goal, it is nice to get a recommendation on light reading.

We googled the story line and got the name of the author ( since my travel companion could not remember the name of the author, but the character in the series) and got a general idea about the story.

He writes well.

“You simply could not help everybody; but you could at least help those who came into your life.” 

― Alexander McCall Smith, Morality for Beautiful Girls

This in a nutshell describes the emotions of the main character. 

This is not a review of just a book that I read, since the author has written several books under the same detective cases. No.1 Lady's Detective Agency.

After a long time, I actually enjoyed reading a book which had no unnecessary plots, twists, psychotic men and women.

This was light reading, very descriptive, connecting well with the reader.

Though it is based on a detective, it was not the dark murder, blood, thievery gore stories of the Poirot, Miss Marple cases. Mma Ramotswe is a very humane and emotional detective.

Unlike many other detective novels, where the case is solved on 'not trusting anyone', she solves her cases based on 'trust'!

She trusts that the world is a good place and everyone is a nice person. 

Her insights into the land and her love for the farm make her acceptable to all she meets, since these are all people of the land.

This book that I read made me want to visit the places he talks about, though barren and dry, yet made so warm by the characters described so well.

At one point, I realised the author is not the main character of the book, but someone who is so good with words and had brought them all so alive! 

If you enjoy light reading, a little bit of suspense, a simplistic approach,

If you believe that there is still good in the world

If you can approach reading for what it is meant to be- a love for books,

Then

This is an author for you!

This touched me: 

“We need a person whom we can make our little god on this earth, as the old Kgatla saying had it. Whether it was a spouse, or a child, or a parent, or anybody else for that matter, there must be somebody who gives our lives purpose.” 

― Alexander McCall Smith, Morality for Beautiful Girls

Alexander McCall Smith- Morality for Beautiful Girls

(No.1 Lady's Detective Agency)

MOM

I happened to watch a movie last night, trying to keep myself awake while the kids were pouring over their books.

Lacking anything better to watch, tired eyes refusing to read a book, decided to rejig my memory watching this movie again. It was all about cooking and the heartaches it can bring and the healing that accompanies it. 

Food rarely interests me. I don't cook. Was never passionate about cooking. I connect to food emotionally and out of necessity.

Never aesthetically.

When my mom fell ill and was in bed, I took over the kitchen. I was old enough to be married off and a typical South Indian bride should by then be the mistress of the kitchen.

The few things I knew were how to make tea and follow recipes to bake amazing desserts! 

Instructions from bed helped me survive the two months and did bring in the flavours of my MOM inside our home. 

During my stints of staying alone, I rarely cooked, even if I did, it was the fail proof Maggi. Till I ruined my health beyond self redemption and needed intervention in the form of MOM.

Next came fast food, food that was fast to cook and good to eat- Mumbai offered me plenty of opportunities at trial and error.

And I started enjoying it. Cell-phones were a blessing and step-by-step instructions from MOM helped me cook and please my never ending flow of house guests.

Moving to US was a big life altering event.

I had to cook! My husband was looking forward to handing over the kitchen to someone else and eat something other than rice dal and chicken.

And I bought cookbooks, I surfed the web, I bought baking trays, cooking pots and pans. Pressure cookers and boilers.

I stocked my kitchen. Learnt to cook never seen before fish and meat and vegetables. 

And I experimented. 

It was all good! A phone call away.

I had MOM. 

Back home after a few years, cooking was always in a frenzy. 

My life was a recipe for disaster. 

I had help on phone, though we were now in the same city. MOM who now gave me step by step survival tips.

Till I moved back into my parents home.

Pots and pans were put away. I had MOM. 

She cooked to heal, baked to please. 

My kids and I recovered from the love showered through food.

And so it continues today. 

I cook occasionally, my daughters love the difference I bring. My parents enjoy the lavishness of the dishes.

I bake more often. Throwing in generous dose of love into it! 

All because of MOM.

She still pampers me when am menopausal and cramping, when my body is heaving and sighing from coughing and wheezing, when am tired and hungry after a long day at work. 
All through her food.

Celebrating her 70th birthday! 

Survived a pancreatic cancer, vertigo, heart attack, heart aches and more!

Happy Birthday MOM!

The movie I watched was Julie and Julia - a movie about cookery books and food blogging!! 

A good movie to watch to live your passion!

12 years Unslaved!

I never did consider myself spontaneous, It was drilled into me from young- to plan, be prepared, always have your armour on. 

Every trip I went on, was planned hoping for the best, but  I was prepared for the worst.  

Even a simple act of risk taking, involved long term planning!! I got good at that as well!

My studies at school were so planned that surprise tests were always welcome!

Opposites attract and that is why I found a good friend who thrived on risks, spontaneity was his middle name.

We hit it off well and I too enjoyed the thrill it brought, albeit a bit cautiously.  

The first time I went on a bike ride with him, I was unprepared for it.. I did not know I would be flying off the back of a 500 CC bike and holding on for dear life!

The wind ripping my tiny top off my back, my hair flying free from its usual barrette, my feet slipping off from the dainty slippers!! 

Yes it was an experience to remember, but next time I met him I went very well prepared! and I was in for a disappointment, we did not go on a long flying drive!!

And so it went on, till the next time I decided not to be so prepared and expectant. And then I realised therein lies the fun!! 

Being overly prepared takes away some of the joy in such moments!!

It drives you crazy, the suddenness, the last minute unpreparedness. 

We are after all creatures of habit.

I plan, make lists, look at them everyday, follow the plan. review it periodically. Re-plan!

Moving to Bangalore 12 years ago was a planned decision. Marriage gone bust, job opportunities low, babies needing attention. 

So it was that we planned it, to move and separate.

But not everything goes by the book, by our plans. 

I had lists for everything

How to find a job, where to set up home, schools under consideration. 

Nothing went by my plan.

I took a chance with the school, the choice of job, temporary move in with parents. 

I took each day as it came! 

Was easier than trying to control things beyond my control.

Taking up a startup job was a huge risk.

Slowly realising the risk is mitigated by the rewards in such cases. 

I survived. 

Sometimes, it helps to go with the flow.

And let circumstances be the driving force.

Bangalore did not fail me!

New friends, New passions. New home. 

I started liking the 'live in the moment' feel. 

Today, I do plan, I do go prepared for the worst. 

Yet I am able to stay calm when things do not go according to my plan. 

If I miss 2 weeks training schedule, I look at my plan, sigh and wait for when I can pick up and move forward again. 

I accept there is a supreme power watching and guiding me.  

I have enjoyed the 12 years of being a different person. 12 years of freedom. 

Now

'I don't want to survive, I want to live" 

- Solomon Northup- 12 years a slave! 

The empty seat next to me

A school trip, by bus. We wait for our friends to come sit next to us. We reserve a place for them. It shows to the world how important you are and to us a moral confidence.

There are times when the seat remains empty.  Disappointment, brave face. 

Note to Self

If you want that seat to remain empty for long, longer than the journey......read....

The author goes on a 300+ page rant.

Life must be tough for a 24 year old today.

I remember 24!

Being in love, beaches, studies, worries, heartbreaks! Laughter, Fun, New life.

I don't remember depression, anxiety, self praising, frustration. Running away.

His first attempt at writing was interesting, snippets of his thoughts which made the reader think. 

He has taken a different approach with this book. 

A lot of pretentious poetry, a lot of letters and notes to a different self. 

Unforgiving. 

Rambling.

Oozing sarcasm.

Punctuated!

Maybe I do not understand being gay, but living in a land which openly accepts his preferences, definitely no disadvantages there. 

There are some points on handling depression and surviving those days, But by then you have given up reading and liking it. Does not strike anything inside you.

Some of his abstract photographs are good, which we know he is good at. 

Would you spend so much of time and money on a book you can't wait to finish and put away! 

If he would remember- that we are human, flawed, learn to forgive himself first and that we are all worthy of love. This book could have been a good read.

May not have left me longing for a good friend in the empty seat he left behind.

Note to Self- Avoid in Future!

Note to Self- Connor Franta


PS: The empty seat as we grow older has more significance especially on a long plane journey!

The Seekers

Roses Roses all the way, the town is famous for export of roses especially during Valentine's Day!

Some things are worth waiting for!

So it was with the weekend that went by. 

Many misses, many nays, many let's do it, before it finally happened.

Everyone loves a day away from routine, a day to unwind as we have taken to call it.

I look forward to such moments especially when it involves time with friends. 

"Let's go to the farm" a constant invite, " Bring your kids along" the deterrent!

With so many dependencies to manage, it never did happen.

Finally, a decision and a date blocked weeks in advance.

Planning is not my friend's forte, which though a little unnerving initially, I have learnt to accept. I know I've had the best times with him! 

We constantly seek peace, answers to the daily problems we face at work, relationships, money, health, future. Leaving behind a chaotic mind.

The wide open spaces gives you the answers.

There is nothing more beautiful than nature in its raw form.

No pretensions, no one-upmaniship, no greed.

It teaches you respect, gives you plenty. 

The green countryside, gentle breeze rustling through the weeds and the leaves, the playful clucking of fowls, the eerie sounds of the night. 

Calmness, silence, stars, fond melodies from afar.

Chatter of friends. 

Quiet of the morning, the hues of the skies, the mooing cows in the distance. Tea.

Walks through villages, birds, goats, ducks, smiles. Laughter! 

Rejuvenation. Peace!

 

A Gift to Self

Birthdays come but once a year.

Every passing year we yearn to make it special, celebrate with special friends, do something different. Make it memorable.

Birthday month not being far away, this year I decided to do something different again.

Nothing that needed anyone else's support, but just my will power.

A friend had told me I complain a lot! As unbelievable as it sounded to me, being human we never accept our mistakes, I decided to act on this seemingly negative trait.

Never satisfied, expect more, lose hope, distrust- these are common causes for us to get frustrated and start complaining about our situation. There are habitual cribbers who take pleasure in draining the energy out of you with their complaints. They do not want your help or advice, just want to dump their problems on you and want to remain unhappy. 

I am sure I am not one of these!! 

And then there are the ones who yes, complain, though I would not call it complaining, but those seeking a solution. They state their problem and also know how to address it.  

Of course, I am no saint, I cannot deny that I don't complain. I do. Plentiful, about small, inane stuff! I too seek to transfer my pathetic sorry state onto someone just for some momentary relief. 

I have been a receiver too. After all misery loves company. 

Thats when I realised, since I do complain after all( there I accept my mistake) others take liberty to do it to me!

Complaining also has scientific and medical implications!

It releases the stress hormone cortisol!! This puts our body into "fight or flight mode" which means more all systems concentrate in one area and make us prone to heart disease and diabetes.

As we sow, so we reap, it's a killer disease as well. The silent killer, being around people who complain makes us one of them, we imbibe from them and become them! 

Our hippocampus the problem solving and logical part of the brain shrinks with constant complaining, making us illogical and unreasonable!

This surely needs immediate remedial action!

So here comes the challenge!

A gift to self!

The 66 days challenge!

I did some research and practice on the 21 day challenge!

It definitely takes more than 21 days for a habit to stick!

It takes 21 days for the idea to sink in, more for the habit to stick and sustain for ever!

So the magic number research says is 66.

Why wait for July 1st to start this practice, today is a good day as ever. Making me ready for a brand new birthday this year! 

I commit myself not to complain.

It will be difficult to begin with since most of my complaints are petty, related to work, friends, traffic. Unconsciously, I know I tend to do it. But slowly, once I know that even these are a NO NO since taking up this challenge, am sure I will think twice before  complaining about the small stuff as well. 

Of course, complaints which produce a positive result will be allowed!

I do hope my neurons trigger my happy hormone 'serotonin' leading to a better me soon and I remain 'dopamined' in the future!!!

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it,

change your attitude. Don’t complain.” – Maya Angelou