Monday, 23 February 2015

Makes me wonder



“Give me something to believe in
'Cause I don't believe in you
Anymore, anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
Yeah, so this is goodbye” 


Yes, I remember you.

I remember the first hellos, the hesitant conversations, the getting to know you talks.
The way hope lit up finding a friend.
When the space between our minds narrowed down till we broke down our boundaries.

I remember walking the thin line between hope, need, want and desire.
Our hearts melting, the space distorted by necessity.
When reasoning lost out to the sound of something more intense.

I remember the first touch, the gentle kiss, leading to a desperate need.
If I think back, I can still feel the faint imprint of your lips and body against mine.
When the ice within me thawed and your warmth made me human.

I remember the excitement, the longing and the waiting games.
Your company, the only thing that made otherwise dreary days full of life
When the darkness meant me with you and you with me. Us..

I remember the way you smell, the way you smile.
The whispers and the dreams, the shared jokes and the special times.
When there were no curtains, no veils.

I remember the secrets in the quiet of the night
The early morning conversations before the break of dawn
When everything felt natural and words flowed gentle  like a river

I don’t remember when it all began to change.
Was it when I was willing to give my all?
When my cup finally ran dry- You, only you.

I remember being wounded, forgotten
Words which never came,
When words once forgotten echoed back to etch the pain.

I remember when I ceased being me.
Caring, uncaring, loving and wishing I have never loved
When empty promises were so easy to believe

I remember asking, expecting
Not knowing it was not for me to ask
When I knew I had lost.

I remember the coldness, the clear demarcations,
The boundaries which were drawn once again.
When one never looked forward to being with the other

I remember the silence….. going through the motions,
the flames slowly dying down.
When the candle yet had enough battle to fight the wind

I remember the familiar words, the phrases
The look in the eyes, the smile which lurks behind a pain
When we chanced to glance while passing by, slowly letting it become unfamiliar

I remember you, and I am grateful.
For beginnings and endings, for the heat, warmth and the cold.
When lessons of acceptance were learnt from rejections.

I remember the fiercely independent strength which I once had
Gathered and strengthened through years of loneliness
When nothing else mattered except being me.

I remember the tears which never stopped and wiping them away
Listening to the voices in the silence.
When remembering, does not hurt anymore.

I remember knowing that at some point we would never be the same again.

And so I move on.

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Sweet Nothings


The 45 days of self-control begins now!


Every year, Carnival celebrates the beginning of 45 days of  feasting before the fasting!


The streets of Goa come alive, Rio rocks the carnival show.!





Lent  is a very Catholic practice.


Did not realize till recently that even Christianity was divided on the belief of this concept.


The Protestants live and preach by the Bible, the Catholics live by man’s interpretation of God’s word!


And so, the sacrifices made during Lent seem Pagan to my Protestant friends.





For a  Catholic it is sacrilege to not “give up” something during Lent.





Growing up in a staunch, orthodox Catholic family, we got used to sacrificing the eating of meat during the 45 days.


Being hardcore meat eaters this is a big sacrifice, especially when your mom does not know how to cook good vegetarian food!


Sunday meals become a bore, we look forward to the end of Lent and wait for Easter when the aroma of meat and spices engulf our senses.





That was just one of the “sacrifices” we made. Flowers were another, a lover of jasmine, being plenty in season and bushes overflowing, the flower and its perfume were sweet torture.


Easter and we adorned ourselves with the fragrant flower!





But did we follow the fast and pray practice? Yes, we did!


Fridays were a day of fasting, the praying was personal!


We also believed in recreating the scenes of Jesus being captured  and then paraded through the streets carrying the cross and finally being nailed to the cross like a common thief and dying on the cross.


This; we as Catholics believed; made us remember the sufferings that Jesus had undergone and helped us renew our faith and live a good Catholic life. 
And so we followed the “Way of the Cross”





As I grew older and moved out of home,  giving up meat was not a big deal since meat being served at a college cafeteria was a rarity.


Then came the move to meat land!


Giving up meat was not easy, it was everywhere! And options for vegetarians were fewer.


Dating a non-Catholic, meat eater, was not making it easy either, so convenience took over faith!





As years passed by, I did not find these difficult to give up.


So I did my own version of the “sacrifice”


I started giving up what I really loved. What I craved most and what would make the 45 days sacrifice feel like I had given up something.


So it started with sweets, then added chocolates, ice creams and drinking binges to the list!





It felt good, not that God demanded me to do so, but knowing I could exhibit self-control! Even if for a few days.


Side effects: very pleasurable!





And so it is, that this year too, I have decided to give up those cravings that leave me wanting more!


It will see me avoiding coffee dates, saying no to pub meet ups, staying put in office after lunch! No baking at home!


For 45 days, the sacrifices will continue, some cravings I may give up entirely having gone without for 45 days, some I will wait for the end of Lent to feast upon again.





Only time will tell.





Till then....


Sweet nothings!






























Friday, 30 January 2015

Who Said " Normal is Boring"



All the random things I do in a day!

How difficult can that be?  To list out random things that you do in a day!

On any given normal working day! Where routine is a way of life!

Here goes!

Late! Very late!
Panic!
Blind signing of school books
Handing over all cash demanded!
Stuff breakfast!
Rush!

A bit of religion in the morning
A bit of irreverence in my thoughts!
A hot cup of green tea with honey!
Deep contemplation with my list for the day

Spreadsheets
Warm hellos
Heated discussions
Relaxed lunch

Sweets!
Coffee. Lots of It!
Reports, reports, reports
More sweets, more coffee!

Friendly banter,
Whatsapp chatter
Quick brief calls
Mails which never end!

Approvals
Paper work,
Good byes and hellos

No shut down,
Rush out at night!
Wave of the hand
Smiles all around

A good day indeed!

Home,
Hot dinner,
Feet up!
Little hands and big hugs
Music, TV maybe……

Family time
Friends time
Me time

Sleep, Bliss!

Thursday, 29 January 2015

A Walk To Remember



Done and dusted are word I would never use for an Oxfam Trailwalker!
It is never done and dusted, the high lasts for a year!

Yes, I did want to do my second Oxfam Trailwaker in January 2015.
And so, I  identified a group at work with great difficulty, signed up just before the last date and then did nothing!
We neither raised funds, nor trained.

This went on till I had other commitments which clashed with the day the Trailwalker was to end.
And the inevitable irregular schedule I was on was giving me jitters.

And so I did the unthinkable and backed out!
Not before I had found replacement walkers for me and another co walker who had to back out due to official travel plans which came up suddenly.

I was upset, a bit, but then life goes on.
Then when yet another walker had to cancel, I stepped in.
And took charge.
I knew it was not going to be easy, but it was not impossible.
A month away from the walk and just few days away from the minimum fund raising deadline, our priority was fund raising ,
Which we did in absolute earnest.
In 48 hours we had raised the funds.

Next came training.
Having done Oxfam Trailwalker in 2014, I did have some idea about how difficult it would be if we hit the trails with no training.
So a training plan was drawn for walking/ core training/ cross training.
This we had to follow if we wanted to stay injury free on the trail.
One day of walking followed. A 12 hour , 40 km walk in the park.
It was painful yet fun.
An eye opener of sorts.

We slowly got ready with our lists and to dos for the D day.
Just because I had one successful (if I could call a 30 hr walk that) experience, did not lessen the fear and excitement for me!

We planned our support crews, read the maps, made our walking plans and were almost ready.
Excited, fearful, geared up.

We had friends pick us up very early morning and off we went. It was somewhere very far from the city and we had estimated a 2 hour drive.
Of course the bags I  packed looked like I was planning to take off on  a long holiday


Constant reminders to fellow walkers about basic essentials to be brought along
Bottles
Caps
Jackets
Sun glasses
Spare shoes and socks
Spare clothes

And reminders to cut your toe nails!!

Everything else was C/o Me

Reached the start point just in time to get our bibs on and take a picture and leave.
Dark, crowded, noisy!


We started off and did it with a good pace.  The first 8.8 kms were not easy, it had us sweating and pushing ourselves to climb the inclines and cross the stony roads.

Reaching Check point 1 was bliss- knowing we had our breakfast there and our support crew waiting there!
We did see Rahul Bose busy taking pictures with walkers, in half a mind- should or should not.
Should not prevailed. Then!

Quick breakfast, which was not appetizing and away we went.
The next check point was a short one as well- we did not reduce our pace and kept at it.
By this time, we had seen a lovely sun rise as well felt the heat of the sun beating upon us.


We stopped briefly to refill our bottles, rest our aching feet and tape a bit and leave.

The next stretch was a killer,
This is when one of our walker’s shoes gave in! he was wearing old shoes and they just broke. We were in  a fix, since he did not have spare shoes to serve the purpose either.
Luckily another walker had a pair which fit him and we could continue our walk.

We trudged on, never losing our enthusiasm, crossing fields, villages, lakes, dams, mulberry bushes.
The sun set was beautiful over the wide open fields, the night time was even more lovely as dusk settled down.

We kept our morale high, and munched on chips to keep our hunger at bay.


The setting sun was cause for joy.
We could now walk in the quiet of the night, with cooler temperatures.
Well prepared to spend the night walking, we had small hand torches with us.


After a quick break and meeting our support crew for the night, we left after a very bad and tasteless dinner.
Little did we expect that our night walk would be so difficult
We walked on roads strewn with stones, had an elephant scare and had to change a route.
The lantern we carried kept our path brightly lit.
Our jackets kept us warm and we kept our pace.
Never stopping, never giving up.

Our short night breaks were to retape,refill and restart.
The skies were filled with stars, the silence of the night so welcoming.

The early morning walk was such a pleasure and to see sunrise over the hills was indeed a blessing.
We stopped for a cup of sweet fresh tea at a local home and were happy that we had about 20 kms to go.

Too early for breakfast, we continued after a bit of freshening up and few biscuits.
We carried a few oranges with us to help us on the way.

Knowing we were almost there was such  a happy thought.
Knowing we were still fine was so comforting.
Knowing we were beating our schedule by 1 hour was encouraging.

Since we were so close to the end, we decided not to stop at the last check point, skip breakfast  but just rush in and rush out.
We had decided to run the last 5 kms to the finish.
Little did we know that our organisers had other plans in mind.


Passing through quarries in the heat of the day, rugged roads, inclined rocks, slowly tiring legs , yet we never lost our spirit.
Still smiling, still joking, we kept our pace.
Reached the temple which was such a pleasure, cool, beautiful, a check point last year- but a much needed rest point this year.


Not one to let them sit for long, forced ourselves to start moving again.
We walked, we ran, we sipped, we stopped.
We laughed, we shouted.
Helped people on the way with surgical tapes, muscle relaxants, sprays, kind words, we had it all!

The last 2 kms were the happiest, but most confusing.
We did not see a 99 Km mark and were worried we could have been off the trail, but knew we could see the “never failed us before” markers.


We continued, running, walking, hearing first.
Seeing next.
And we ran, towards the gate, towards the entry point and finished strong, smiling.
No we did not collapse!!
29 hours and 36 minutes! Of pure pleasure and fun!


To me, a humbling moment.
Nature rules you, however in control you may be.

I felt  a satisfaction, knowing the 100 kms was for a cause.
I, as an individual may not be able to reach out to so many in need,
but what I love doing and could do with a bit of struggle, could help reach out to so many more!

Our support crew was amazing, they knew what we wanted, kept our spirits high and were there to greet us whatever time of day or night we reached.
Seeing friends passing through gave me more reason to smile, a familiar face in strange lands in difficult times is always comforting.
The lovely volunteers managing the check points were there to cheer us as we entered and cheer us on as we left for the next leg.
Their energy levels revved us up.
Seeing the organisers at the finish point, being greeted by them and having them share our joys- true happiness.
Every one here is a winner.

Thank you Oxfam for this wonderful opportunity.
Looking forward to my next!!!