Makes me wonder

“Give me something to believe in
'Cause I don't believe in you
Anymore, anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
Yeah, so this is goodbye” 

 Makes me wonder

Yes, I remember you.

I remember the first hellos, the hesitant conversations, the getting to know you talks.

The way hope lit up finding a friend.

When the space between our minds narrowed down till we broke down our boundaries.

I remember walking the thin line between hope, need, want and desire.

Our hearts melting, the space distorted by necessity.

When reasoning lost out to the sound of something more intense.

I remember the first touch, the gentle kiss, leading to a desperate need.

If I think back, I can still feel the faint imprint of your lips and body against mine.

When the ice within me thawed and your warmth made me human.

I remember the excitement, the longing and the waiting games.

Your company, the only thing that made otherwise dreary days full of life

When the darkness meant me with you and you with me. Us..

I remember the way you smell, the way you smile.

The whispers and the dreams, the shared jokes and the special times.

When there were no curtains, no veils.

I remember the secrets in the quiet of the night

The early morning conversations before the break of dawn

When everything felt natural and words flowed gentle  like a river

I don’t remember when it all began to change.

Was it when I was willing to give my all?

When my cup finally ran dry- You, only you.

I remember being wounded, forgotten

Words which never came,

When words once forgotten echoed back to etch the pain.

I remember when I ceased being me.

Caring, uncaring, loving and wishing I have never loved

When empty promises were so easy to believe

I remember asking, expecting

Not knowing it was not for me to ask

When I knew I had lost.

I remember the coldness, the clear demarcations,

The boundaries which were drawn once again.

When one never looked forward to being with the other

I remember the silence….. going through the motions,

the flames slowly dying down.

When the candle yet had enough battle to fight the wind

I remember the familiar words, the phrases

The look in the eyes, the smile which lurks behind a pain

When we chanced to glance while passing by, slowly letting it become unfamiliar

I remember you, and I am grateful.

For beginnings and endings, for the heat, warmth and the cold.

When lessons of acceptance were learnt from rejections.

I remember the fiercely independent strength which I once had

Gathered and strengthened through years of loneliness

When nothing else mattered except being me.

I remember the tears which never stopped and wiping them away

Listening to the voices in the silence.

When remembering, does not hurt anymore.

I remember knowing that at some point we would never be the same again.

And so I move on.