Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Ticked Off



She looked at her phone for the 28th time since she had woken up. 
It was only 8:15 AM
Her message sent at 7:45 PM still showed 2 grey ticks!
Last seen status showed as 8:11 AM
Why had he not responded?
He had always replied, quickly, briefly, with a quirky message or with an emoji!

What was he doing?
What did he do last night? Was he seeing someone else?  Was he out with friends?
It was Tuesday, so obviously he had no calls, which means he was free. So why did he not reply to the message yet?
Should she send him another message now?

He is online…..
Maybe he will respond now.
But why did he not reply yet?
Ego is larger than anger!

 9:00 AM
At work!
Checks phone!
Lots of other messages from many other friends, wishing her a good day!

Not him!

What is wrong?
Was she being too pushy and pushed him away?
Was it something she said?
She checked her phone again to see the message she had sent. It was a playful message as usual, the kind he liked….
Was he busy talking to his ex-girl friend?? Was she back in his life again?

10:00 AM
In a meeting, furtive glances at the phone.
He is online, quickly sends him a short “hello, all well?”

11:00 AM
Over with meeting, can’t wait to check the phone for her messages.
He is still online, the two grey ticks dominate her sent messages.
Cannot focus on work now, should she call instead?

No, he is online, why should I, all it takes is a “hello am busy, will talk later”

12:30 PM
Lunch time, busy with friends and lunch out today,  an eye on the phone always…
Anxious, sad.

2:00 PM
Back at office, chatting with other friends.
Always an eye on his status.

3:30 PM
Depressed, upset, sure something is wrong, never has a day gone by without her messages blinking rapidly.

4:30 PM
Need a coffee to overcome this. 
Wraps up all the work halfheartedly and leaves home at 6:30 PM

Not in a mood to meet anyone or talk about what she feels, she heads to the closest book store.
Moody, upset, angry, can feel the heaviness in her heart and mind.
She thought he was her friend.

6:30 PM
Swallowing her ego, she tries his number, it rings.
Does not answer.
Now, the sadness fuels her anger.
It deepens.

She stops by at a department store, grabs something for a  quick dinner and rushes home.

8:15 PM
Refuses to check her phone.
She can hear the beeps coming in, but still holds on.
Anger and frustration built up inside her.

9:15 PM
Finishes her dinner, clears the kitchen and takes her phone.
No….Other friends have been sending messages, her groups have been active.
Still two grey ticks on the messages to him.
All other messages sent to other friends are now blue.

Last seen: 9:12 PM
Now, reasoning is lost, Pride is hurt.
She doesn’t need to have such a friend.
She deserved more than being ignored thus.
She was not wrong in wanting more from him.
He had always promised her more. So why should she be the one left wanting.
She had other friends.

She could live without talking to him.

9:58 PM
Quickly blocks him. No more thoughts!
Deletes his number next.
Clean cut!
 
10:02 PM
He realizes he misses talking to her.
Checks her online status, cannot see her last seen status, maybe she decided to not display that information.
Sends her a message, single grey tick.

11:00 PM
Single grey tick

12:03 AM
Single grey tick

6:30 AM
Single grey tick

8:15 AM
Tries calling her on his way to work.
Does not pick up.
Single grey tick

Sunday, 9 November 2014

Salt and Pepper

Whoever said age is just a number, never did learn his counting!

My first white strand appeared soon after my 40th!
The one which was to be celebrated in Casablanca at Rick's cafe or eating Baklava in Turkey!
But I spent my post birthday worrying about color changes in front of my mirror.
Which of course contributed to increasing my by then several whites!

For a while I kept it a closely combed secret! Being blessed with lusciously thick otherwise jet black glossy hair, the few whites remained carefully hidden!
But I knew and a furtive search for more caused me to let my little secret out!
I had to take my little girls in confidence.
They too searched and alas were luckier than me! They found more stragglers where my eyes could not reach!!

I thought of good looking hunks read Milind Soman and his distinguished salt and pepper looks, Indira Gandhi and her dash of white, well they had already made a mark, I had a long way to go...
Hair dye? No.... That was for oldies... First signs of denial..
A new hairstyle to keep the secret well hidden... To cut my once below the butt hair even shorter than my now shoulder length seemed like sacrilege to me.
Henna... Reds the white, blackens the black.
So that's what I started doing

And upped my Amla intake!
And started working out like crazy to get back to "looking younger"

I am a worrier!
I worry for my own, you and yours!
I worried that my whites showed...
I saw my contemporaries sporting their whites and baldness and scanty hair with pride!
I heard them say how lovely and young I looked and wanted to know if I dyed my hair black!
I proudly said Au Naturel` and wondered if they did see my carefully tucked little secret blowing in the wind.

One year later and several numbers later I know my Black changes to White! There are no Grays! 
I suppose they are a symbol of my maturity, intellect and adds a dash of dignity!

I stopped crazy work outs and now run for fun! Am happy being me!

 I carry my whites with pride which tend to show up now and then.....like shining stars on a moonless sky!

Being Single



I have been single for more years than I was married.
But I have 2 big school going kids to show for that short marriage!

Many conversations with strangers and acquaintances leave them embarrassed and me wondering what is wrong with people!!

Many start thus with random strangers ( aka called kids’ friends’ parents)

She: You are Ak1’s mom?
Me: Yes and you are XYZ’s mom? I’m Shiromi.
She: Yes, can I have your number!!!!
Numbers exchanged ( Being popular girls’ mom gets my number asked more often than I get my number asked for being me!!!)
She: how does your daughter always manage to do well in everything, we always talk about her!
Me:  I am a strict mom (smiling, unsure how they would take the truth)
She: Do you work?
Me: Yes, am in HR
She: What about your husband?
Me: I don’t have one, am divorced!!

Silence! Conversation stopper!!!

She: I am sorry!
Me: Don’t be!!

The end!


He:  You are Ak2’s mom?
Me:Yes, You must be Abc’s dad! He takes after you!
He: Yes! I see you here at school for all functions, do you work?
Me: Yes, I work in a software firm.
He:  What about your husband?
Me: I’m divorced!
He: Mumbles something and looks at his phone looking for an escape!

Then there are the other kinds of people!! The ones who decide that their life sucks and yours rock!!
The ones who know you are single and have your parents with you.

She: how do you manage to stay so thin?
Me: It takes effort! I run
She: Oh, how do you find time?
Me: I make time, I wake up at 4:30 am to fit in running!
She: Oh, you are so lucky, I have to wake up to cook and get the children ready, how do you manage?
Me: My mother does the cooking, I have a cook to help with dinner as well.
She: Oh you are soo lucky, you have your mother to help! I have to do everything by myself!
Me: I pay a premium for the cook and cleaning girl to ensure my mom doesn’t have to struggle and pay a premium for the apartment which is 5 mins walk away from school!
She: Oh you are so lucky, your mother is there to supervise them!
Me: speechless!! 



I constantly hear people complain about having to live with parents/in-laws and not having their privacy, not able to go out for dinner, not  able to live their lives.
Did they ever wonder, if those same parents/in laws had wanted their privacy and asked them to leave home while growing up, what would they have done as kids?

I hear about spouses being nagging, not being considerate and how unhappy they are and how lucky I am that I get to live my life the way I want and wear what I want and go where I want.
Would they consider a divorce to earn that so called happiness they miss?

I hear “friends” say how lucky I am to have my parents with me and “not have to worry about anything”
Do they realize that they could too if they chose, but they choose not to!!!

I hear a lot about how marriage is such a pain and how they miss their freedom!!
I also get to hear about how I can “sleep around” while they are stuck to being monogamous!!!!!
I sometimes wonder if they say it to make me feel bad!!!

To all those who are the constant complainers and who think my life is “awesome” this is what I say:

“Always look at how far you have come rather than how far you have to go. Always count your blessing, not what you are missing” Ramakrishna Paramahansa. 


And of course



Thursday, 23 October 2014

Manifesto for Life



How many of us look at making our lives a piece of art?
How often do we challenge the status quo?

When in school, I ran to compete, to win. I loved my moment of glory.
When in college, I ran because I could.
During post-graduation days, I ran to lose weight and then continued doing so to stay fit.
Later, while living in US, I ran because staying indoors was claustrophobic.
Once I was back in India, I ran to let the steam out, relieve stress.
Later I continued running to clear my mind to overcome personal issues.
Running is my way of meditation.
It soon became a passion, an answer to all life’s problems.

Running became a religion, a  need, a cure.
But never an obsession.
I run till I feel the pain, till it’s fun.

There is always more than one way to do something.
And that is what life taught me through the ups and downs I faced alone.
And that is what I was trying out during this first marathon!

Play by your own rules.
Play fair and you will get there!

The only thought on my mind when I reached the stadium was a prayer.
Keep me strong in mind and body.

The first 5 kms is where I struggle most. It’s a warm up process and early morning the muscles take time to move smooth!
The run through the park in the dark, reminded me of one such morning running with a friend, the thoughts warming me up enough to move comfortably.
As dawn broke across the city,  the sound of feet hitting the road was soothing. Unlike running alone, this was different, the familiar roads gave confidence.

Running past the Ulsoor lake always brings in me a sense of awe, the beauty and stillness of the morning water, has a calming effect.

Normally the dogs on this stretch make me want to avoid lingering along the road, this morning was different, the dogs had shied away, making the roads runner friendly.
Smiling faces were out cheering by now, helping me move along at a comfortable pace, 10 kms, yet smiling.

The pacing group had a strategy which worked well for me.
Run 25 mins, walk 5 mins. It was time based and not distance driven. At a slow pace.
I had unconsciously been running like that on my long runs over the weekends.
Though I had trained at a 30 min run, 5 min walk.  

Reaching Indiranagar 100 ft road, made me look out for friends who had promised to wait for me.
Friends who knew the fear I had, were there to either help me home if I was struggling and needed help or run with me to help get me moving in case I was down in spirits.
This was a familiar stretch. And it was a breeze.
Little did I realize that running 20 kms would be so simple.
The pacers kept our conversation flowing, joking, answering silly questions, staying silent when the mind needed to be replenished.

My friends know I do not go to Koramangala for anything, I do not go visit friends. I ask them to come to my world.
When I realized the marathon route took us over the flyover and into the Inner ring road, I was a little worried.
Not having done any runs on elevated routes, I was not sure how bad this would be.

Crossing the flyover was easy, because it was on our 5 min walk time!!!
The next stretch of 2-3 kms was the best running stretch in  the whole 42 kms,
The army jawans had spread themselves across the length of the road cheering for all 700 odd runners that morning while they went to and returned from Koramangala.
Their spirits never dampened and their cheering never diminished!
We were at 23 kms and I was completely on  a high!


5 years ago,, when I first expressed that I wanted to do more than a 5 km run, a crazy friend took me running.
Into the army land just behind the EGL complex, were vast fields.  Amazing trails, wide open spaces, silence.
We ran there several evenings and mornings.  Some memories can bring a smile to your face even after all these years.

 We continued running into Koramangala and towards Forum mall.
I do not take my kids to Forum mall, citing distance as an excuse.
That morning, the distance did not matter, my own two feet could take me there!
And they did. I was still running comfortably. I could smile, talk and even joke!

What I did like about the day was it was not sunny. On my normal long runs, I was used to sweltering heat by the time I had touched 25 kms which would  be around 8:15 am. This day was different, it was a just right to run weather!

We reached Forum mall, turned around near Wilson garden and a treat awaited us! Our pacer told us we could take a 6 min walk!
This is where the enormity of what I had set out to do was hitting me.

I was hydrating sufficiently, eating oranges and biscuits when I felt the need.  I did not feel fatigued yet!
My pace was steady and I kept close to the pacers. Still enjoying the run.
Now the route was familiar since we were tracking our route back!

The army jawans were there again when we needed them most around the 32nd km mark till 34th km.
By now, the aid stations were fewer and farther apart.

This is where I made my first mistake.
I started getting overconfident and started moving  slightly ahead of the pack, turning every now and then to check if there was a call to walk.

The second mistake was not checking if Oral rehydrating salts would be available on the go.
Being used to having some inbetween, I missed them.

Normally runners hit the wall somewhere around here.
I did not face any such issues, I was still comfortable, maybe the 5:30 target was a good idea for the first marathon completion.

At the 37th km, along Old Airport road, I started getting frustrated by the constant whizz and honking of traffic.
I did not carry my music player and could not dull out the noises from  the road, but had to depend on my mind to keep it calm.
I wanted the stretch to get over soon and get to Trinity Circle because I knew there were familiar faces waiting for me there.
Along with much needed water.

I recall when I did the trail walker in January, there was one such stretch almost at the fag end of the walk, where we had to walk on newly laid tar roads at 11:00 am under the hot sun, with no tree or green cover.
Construction work was causing the dry sand to fly into our eyes and parched mouths,  noise from the bull dozers, driving us crazy, we were delusional and had no water!
This felt the same, parched, traffic, pollution, and knowing its just 5 kms away.

Trinity circle felt like home! Familiar, smiling faces, water being handed out, it was not an aid station, they had water, wish I had called them earlier and asked them to bring me my ORS.

Crossing Trinity Circle has always been a nightmare for me. I stand there at the junction, waiting for a break in traffic to dart across, fearful.
This morning was no different, worse actually.
No one wanted to stop. No one cared we had a bib, no one worried we may get run over!
Finally my co runner and I – ladies, stuck our hands out and forced the vehicles to stop so few of us could cross over to the Ulsoor side.

It felt good to get onto Ulsoor road and find some quiet time and water.
Meeting a friend on Cubbon road and hearing that I still looked good, made me sure of myself.

But little did I expect cramps to strike at that point. So bad, I almost called my friend back to take me home!
I was so close and I had come so far. It did not make sense to go back now!

When in need and in pain I reach out for help. I have realized I have my limitations and having a friend helps make the pain go away faster.
So I told my pacer to help me! And they did!! They got a bottle of water from a passing runner, got me a salt pill and made me walk.
One of them stayed back to help me!!
And he helped me stretch, ease the pain and walked slowly with me, getting me into a trot after a few minutes.

After 500 m, the cramps hit again, harder! I screamed in pain! 

My faith in humanity gets restored every time I run these organized runs!
Strangers, on the road, stop to help!
I told my pacer to continue and I would see him at the finish line!
I trusted a stranger on the road to help me.
He handed me water, he told me to sit! I refused! I was scared, what if I could not get up again!
I knew I was still not over with  my periods and sitting and getting up could cause more accidents than what I wanted to face right then.

I asked him to help me get off the road and onto the footpath.
I worked on my legs till the cramps eased out.
He helped me sit and promised to help me get up when I wanted to.
He said he would stay there till I was okay.
I asked him if he was waiting for someone, he said, No his friend had already passed by!!
I put my trust in him and sat.

Just then, passed one of the race volunteers on a KTM Duke.
He saw me seated there in pain and agreed to take me back to the stadium.
The initial reaction was how would I ever lift my leg to sit astride a Duke!!
If I could do that I could run!!!
I told him I would not and I wanted to complete, but he could do something to help the pain go away.
He asked me if I had taken a salt pill, I said yes, he said would come back with another and to wait there!!
I told him I would keep moving and he should meet me on the road.
He agreed! And I knew he would keep his word!

I thanked my Good Samaritan, and slowly walked down.
At around the 40th km mark I came across a water stand and a friend. A feeling of happiness and calmness  washed over me just seeing him there.
He handed a salt pill which was the only thing I needed right then and continued.
My biker came back, saw me running and left to help those who needed it more!!
I was still doing a slow walk, when a passing by runner, told me he would run with me and keep me company! I was grateful for that.
He was  a super veteran and I knew we were helping each other. We talked and I was pleasantly surprised I could still talk and was not out of breath or in pain!  

Be provocative, Be bold!
Live your favorite life!

The last km was the easiest. I ran the whole distance, even encouraging those struggling near the gates.
I finished smiling!
It felt like I had run a marathon!!!

 
Happiness!!