No Clouds In My Sky

Every runner has good days and some bad days while training for an event.

The strength of a runner lies in never forgetting the reason he/ she started running.

When I signed up for the Mumbai Marathon in July 2016 for a run to be scheduled in January 2017, never did I expect to fail at one big run in-between.

It made me doubt my capabilities and preparedness for a road race, though my goal was far from racing! 

I decided if I wanted to continue running for a long time, it would require me to focus on building strength and hence,  little thinking and a lot of money later, I signed up at a fitness centre close to work.

Standard Charted Mumbai marathon is considered the Mecca for runners. Never having done one of those, I was determined not to go so far and fail at something as simple as running

Tickets were booked, friends were contacted, training plan was in place.

and training was on!!! 

I was happy with the support I was receiving from my trainer at the fitness centre and I felt good!

As always, Murphy decided I was not to be in charge of my life and threw a curveball my way!! 

Disappointment hit me, running saved me from binge eating and turning into a sloth bear during the cold winter mornings.!!

I decided to continue my training! 

Lost a lot of money due to tickets being non refundable, the registration fee non refundable!

But running without focusing on an event and training for something without the pressure of an event looming ahead is a different experience.

Being busy with a family function and stressful situations, did not deter me.

Though I did not follow a rigid plan that I would have if it were a race, yet, i tried to stick to most of the days.

The decision to run a 42.2 on my own, was a fleeting thought one day during one early morning run!! What if I ran a full marathon just for myself??

So, the weekend I should have been traveling and participating in a dream run across the sea, instead of waking up at unearthly hours to catch an early morning flight, I woke up to run!

The newly cemented roads were wet! 

The complex was dimly light during the cold, gray winter morning.

Running outside on the road is not a safe option for a lone woman runner and have never been comfortable running on my own after few bad experiences! Better safe than sorry!

I laced my shoes and took my head torch, a jacket to keep me warm and started running!

I had water and electral and few running gels and salt pills placed strategically!

I recalled the words I had read:

''Forty-two kilometers. But they are just numbers. One step at a time. One breath at a time” Adharanand Finn

It was quiet,the silences magnifying the shoes tapping on the road, the headlight bobbing up and down casting shadows on the wet cement as I ran. 

I ran

Alone!

Used to doing all my runs on my own, this was nothing new, but never have I run a distance beyond 35 KMS in silence.

Would I hit the wall, would I cramp, what if people stopped me to chat?

Music in my ears, keeping me calm!

30 kms was doable, I had not trained beyond a 30, during this training phase!

I entered distances I had not run in a while!

It was not easy anymore!! 

Doubts started creeping in, 

was I stupid to try something which was considered sacred by many and just decide to run?

Would it be possible to run without the cheering crowds to push you to the finish?

When doubts start creeping in, the difficulty levels exponentially rise and pain surges through your limbs!! 

I had a friend for  company over phone as I ran! He kept track of me to ensure I was still running and was still ok.

35 KMS had me hopeful, I could do this with a little push!! 

I went into  run walk mode and pushed myself to run!!

there are no km markers, there are no finish lines, there are no crowds calling your name, there are no drummers and musicians cheering you on!

I could have stopped, I had nothing to prove to anyone, I had no medals waiting for me, no photographers to frame my moment of glory, no placards to goad me on!

All you have as you run is your heart and soul and the fire in your legs!!!

Touching 40 kms felt like heaven! I realised my pace was steady and I could complete in less than 5 hours if I pushed myself to complete the last 2 km.

People were now walking, cleaning, watching, staring!

I gave it my all and finished! 42.25 kms inside a building! Round the block about 110 times! 

I did not collapse, I did not cry! 

I smiled!!!

''Surrender yourself to running like a God, give it your all, and expect nothing in return...and then you'll get more than you thought possible'' Scott Jurek

My personal marathon

“A hymn to the spirit, to the heartbreaking beauty of tenacity, to the joy of movement.”

Hello Hello

A year goes by.

We stuck to a few resolutions made at the beginning of the year, some helped us be better people, some never saw themselves 2 months into the year.

Some came back to remind us in December when everyone was talking about resolutions. 

Resolutions are made to be broken say some!!!

 

When a parents' health suffers, few major compromises in life had to be made. 

My children gained independence, while I had to give up mine.

 

End of year posts are mostly very sentimental with thoughts of losses and gains.

 

So I ditched my year end post and am now looking forward to a new year. 

Nothing changes for me.

I am still a crazy mom, an irresponsible daughter, a confused parent, a kind friend. Am still the person I was.

But I welcome the new year, because it will bring in plenty of surprises. Maybe new friends, new relationships, old friends, stronger relationships!

New places, new roads. Old destinations, better memories........

 

I made my goals for the year early on, just 4 days into the year and 2 of them are not going to be met. I should be upset, was for a while, but I shake the feeling and continue doing what it takes to have met that goal.

I dont lose anything!! Gain lot more in the immediate present and in the long term.

 

The peace that I found from letting go, has made me a wiser person this year. 

Mistakes of my past, regrets from years gone by will never haunt me! 

 

My mantra for this year is to practice kindness.

 

For a poetry lover this poem reflects the true meaning of life goes on.

The various stages of our lives so well represented. So peaceful and so calming 

 

And out again I curve and flow 
To join the brimming river, 
For men may come and men may go, 
But I go on for ever.

Extracted from 'The Brook' by Alfred Lord Tennyson

 

Looking forward to a year filled with hope, passion, love, courage and good cheer. And Kindness!!! And Magic........

Food Glorious Food

 

When the word marriage is mentioned, one thought which crosses my mind is good food!

And having a wedding along the coastal towns meant loads of seafood!

This was a reception, which I had to attend! A friend, colleague and a wonderful person.

 

The trip was planned for 2 days, with minimal planning required.

We had a vehicle booked and we were set!

Destination known…….

We were focused on what we were looking for! Food, Beach and Ice-creams!

Stopping by a place which was home and hopefully will always have familiar faces at night to board our bus was a pleasure.  Smiling faces at midnight working hard, never complaining! 

We left at midnight as planned.

Smooth exits, sleep banished for the night.

Several tea stops!

Games and laughter.

An unexpected stop at the break of dawn, unpreparedness for such situations.

Good samaritans who saved the day!

We could smile and thank the powers above for goodness that exists in the world!

 

We continued till we reached the city of Mangalore.

Hot, sweaty and for Bangalorians spoilt by weather, we were ready to slip into air-conditioning comfort.

A long wait to figure out a stop for the night, a quick walk to check out a place close by.

A hungry march to eat at a local darshini.

Hunger satiated, but another shocker welcomed us!

A locked vehicle, no proper papers!!

We were a patient lot, the smokers, enjoying the time for yet another smoke!

Settling scores, we started on a long journey to the beach front.

Checked into our room, freshened up and our quest for food began.

We knew where we wanted to go, with only 1 place being open so late in the evening.

Gajali it was, an old familiar haunt from my days in Mumbai.

Food pleased us, satisfied our cravings and cold beer was a welcoming pleasure!

Giving the driver a much needed break, we made our way to Tannirbhavi beach to view the sunset.

Grey skies, slow drizzle, ensured we had a cool evening with no sun set views.

The calm of the beach, the waters telling you to drown your sorrows in them, the sound of the waves all quietening the soul.

Soon, darkness brought about plans for dinner! 

A visit to the beach is not complete without beach food!- churmuri perfect for the weather!

A ride back to the city, for the famous Mangalore Pabbas ice-creams

Creamy, soft, smooth, delicious, no icicles, just perfect! 

Soon after which dinner plans were made. 

This time at Maharajahs yet another landmark in the city. Brisk walking ensured we built an appetite soon after we had a sinful dessert.

More seafood, more gluttony and more assault on the taste-buds.

A relaxed dinner and it was back to the resort for much needed sleep.

Sleep came soon and peaceful, knowing the beach awaited us in the morning,

A walk to the beach early morning is a luxury we enjoyed that day.

Just us and the beach.
i could hear the waves telling me to let go of what was beyond my control.

Telling me that life is a constant to and fro, we give, we receive.

Traveling with boys sometimes men, always reminds me that time is never of importance to them.

We still managed to leave at 9:30 am , 2 hours later than planned,

A mistake, knowing it was going to be a hot sunny day in an open fort area.

Spending 2 hours at a fort, whose history we were yet to read, but made familiar with  a famous movie song enacted there, the climbs, the walks, the sweat, the views!

Lots of juice and ice cream later, we headed back to head out of the city.

Packed and ready to leave, we stopped for lunch  at a hole in the wall restaurant which served the most delicious biryani I have eaten.

What was supposed to be  a quick stop, took a long break.

Soon we were on our way to Udupi with dessert plans in place.

Reaching, greeted by the newly married couple, and taken off for the famous Diana Gadbad icecream!!

A scare, again faith in humanity restored, quick shower, a walk to a church close by, Sunday complete!

The reception was a small affair, main focus being on food.

Dinner was good as anticipated, meeting more friends there, made the heat and sweat worthwhile!

Back to the hotel for the bus and on our way back to Bangalore.

We made good time, no surprises on the way.

While the boys/men slept, I kept vigil.

Back home, content, knowing I had left something back at the beaches.
Happy for friends who were now married. 

Looking forward to more friends wanting to get married!

Life is good!

Grateful Living

11 years ago, there was a special birthday gift! The ‘D’ Word! 32, 2 young kids, a day old job! No money!

1 year later! the eventuality happened! 

Celebrating 10 years of being single! 10 years of growing strong!

This post is not about my divorce process, nor about the struggle to win custody of my babies.

It’s all about gratitude! 

A big shout out to friends and family who helped me survive first few years and then live the next few strong and confidently.

Who helped me raise happy children!! 

Lakshmi, for listening to what I could not share with anyone else. For helping me let it out and return to temporary sanity. 

Sophia for helping me with a much needed job which helped me fight and stand up on my own.

Anitha, my tear catcher! Other than my tear soaked pillow, Anitha soaked my tears as well, stood by me while I tried to make sense of my life which was falling apart. 

Avtar, a saviour who trusted me, gave me purpose, a job which I loved, people I adored, keeping my depression at bay.

Piyush, Harsh, Vivek, Rama, Kanishka, Ranjita for all the fun and understanding! For giving me a sense of belonging. For helping me find a life outside the tears. For the smiles, the laughter and the joy of living. For being friends!  For giving my kids a reason to smile!

Kiran, for always being a friend! allowing me the freedom to say anything freely, remaining non judgemental, for listening to my complaints! Teaching me life has to be about me as well! 

When slowly sanity returned into my life, when life seemed bearable, Conrad, Amey, Aditya for all the evenings of fun, deep conversations and total abandonment.

Passion, living a full life, impetuous, wild! Finding myself!  Gaurav, he taught me to push beyond my realm, to take on things head on and challenge myself constantly. Gave me a blog name, pushed me to bake and bike and strengthened my mind to take on more than I could handle!! 

Mindfulness and Mindlessness! Much needed!

So many people, in so many ways, you have helped me become stronger, wiser and happier!

I had bought my first diamond earring soon after the divorce, cos somewhere I heard that              ‘’diamonds are a girls best friend” It is true!! My diamonds have been all my friends!  Rarely do I depend on my earrings for solace!!!

Seeing their child suffer through a divorce, seeing their grandchildren’s confused look, themselves wondering what would it be. My parents, stood by my decision, helped me get my life back on track. Respected my wishes! Even though I had gone against theirs once before and failed miserably! They saw me suffer, helped me through my anger, hatred, frustration and still loved me!!

My two amazing daughters! for their hugs and kisses, for the unconditional love!! Yes, there have been moments when I wished I had not fought for custody, there were days, I felt I was being a terrible parent, there were things I could not afford, there were places I could not take them, I felt it was unfair on them. They deserved more than what I had to give! 

They never demanded, they never rebelled! they dealt with the whole struggle I was going through as well as their own with so much maturity!!  My pride and joy. My reason for being!  Today they are sensible teens with so much love to offer. 

My two gifts from a short marriage!! 

Of course, my ex-husband, who taught me to be fiercely independent, be of strong mind and body, make my own decisions, be a giver. All by leaving me to fend for myself!!! 

To the many who took all I had to give, left me crying when I needed something, turned me down with ease, Thank You! You taught me to be resilient, to give without expectations!
Yes, also taught me to appreciate true friends! 

One door closed, but when I allowed myself to stop crying and wipe my tears, I noticed there were several doors just waiting for me to enter! 

This is not about how far I’ve come, but how much further I know I can go, ‘’with a little help from my friends’’

Love and gratitude always!!

This one song speaks so much!

Night or Day

Many years ago , the Oxfam Trailwalker caught my fancy. It was being talked about as a fund raiser walk.

Having grown up being exposed to NGO’s, fund raising, Red Cross, Oxfam, I was familiar with the work that was being done in the social sector. The fact that it also combined some physically challenging activity got me interested.

To be able to participate in any event, requires long term planning! So it was that the first year I decided, I could not do it.

The next year, got myself a team and enthusiastically raised funds. That by itself was a challenge, convincing friends and family about the cause. Convincing myself that it was important and working with colleagues, soon to become friends through this activity. It was all good fun!

The walk was well organised and the trail was challenging. We learnt a lot of lessons on holding things together, making decisions as one, understanding strengths and working on it! We were interested in doing it all over again!!!

The next year a new team, wonderful support crew and an amazing planning and training program! The fund raiser was even better with a record 2 day in reaching the minimum target all from within our company! This proved to us that what we were doing was not in vain, there were still people who believed in our cause.

The walk this time was even more fun, with a wonderful team, a great support crew and lot of conversations!!! Them I can still count on as friends for a lifetime!!! Night time walks, bearing the brunt of the sun, supporting each other, sticking together!!!

So it was that Mumbai beckoned me, this time teaming up with classmates from many years ago! Not the young bunch I was used to walking with! But definitely wiser, stronger in mind and body!

We did not train together, responsibilities keeping us apart! But constant messaging kept the momentum going!

We had the best support from our support crew which was initially a classmate and her husband, she roped in two of her friends who had experience of the trail! This helped us immensely in getting us ready with all we may need.

We managed two training walks together, 2 at a time! We were told to train on trails, on hills, we did what we thought was a hill and a trail!

We walked, cycled, played football, ran, got our body ready for the 100 kms!  I made our target plan for 33 hours, since the trail was considered tough and we prepared ourselves to meet the time! We had big plans for partying that night!!

We thought we were ready!

We travelled to meet our support team and start on our journey to the trail start point.

The place we stayed was in the middle of nowhere! It was beautiful, we were excited!

We started early the next day, reached the start point late, but did not bother us, we were out to have fun!

The trail was a challenge from the starting point! It started with an ascent and walking on narrow ledges!

The sun rose early even in the western ghats!! We were assaulted by the morning sun even at 10:00 AM . This was a new kind of heat for us from Bangalore facing the sun after weeks of clouds and rain!

There were old and young walkers, not all looked fit or prepared for this kind of climb! It was a struggle, even the 10 kms taking 4 hours!!!

We thought the topography would change, but no, we continued walking on rocks, climbing up and down, every step a challenge, slowly turning into frustration!

The sun was merciless, the trail was unforgiving! We tried to have conversations, but failed to carry it forward since we were marching on in single file!

Having walked the Bangalore trail walk route, we had expectations of company, villages, people, signs of life! Here we were left on our own to  blindly follow arrows and ribbons! The map lay unused, untouched! It was of no use! There was no network connectivity, no GPS connection.

The checkpoints were very functional, with minimal support!  Hot water which is a necessity for most walkers was not found at most places, getting a hot cup of tea was a luxury. Not many beds to stretch out for a much needed break!  Insufficient tents, chairs!!!

What was good was the availability of physiotherapists to give our aching muscles a good stretch! They were the miracle workers! Never have I used the support of physios in all my years of running, walking and participating in such events! I did here, twice!! That speaks a lot about how much of punishment my muscles were undergoing!

The food was good, available immediately! Our support crew did not have place to sit at most places, which was a sad situation because they needed rest too to with all the running around they were doing to help us!!

We were hoping to walk through the night to escape the harsh sun, but felt the sun was better than dark! It was safer, we could see where we stepped, if the path existed !!  Night or day?

We did try the night walking, left us tired, frustrated, sleepy,stressed and scared! We managed a short nap to help us get back on the trail!! Our minds were slowly zoning out. Legs were giving up!  I wanted to call friends to keep talking to me to help me get my mind back! There was no signal!! I was scared to talk to my co-walkers, my fear would get to them as well!! Atleast this way we could silently trudge on!! Could we complete?? Left it to fate!!!  

The next morning, after 50 kms, it was slightly better, with light!! A new day always brings hope! We walked on quietly, through similar terrains, eyes on the ground, feet firmly finding a place on the rocky stretches!! There was rarely sound of laughter, singing or talk on the trail, which I had loved during my past two walks!!!

The finish was getting close, but the distances seemed longer!! A 7 km walk took us 3 hours?????? And a lot more steps!!! And a lot of ups and downs!!!

The last stretch could have been made easy, we had already been subjected to a tough trail, we had proved it in 94 kms that we were made of a tougher skin, but no, the last 6 kms took us back into the treacherous trails, walking through the night, in constant rain, with no place to shelter, crossing slippery river beds! 

Did we receive a noisy welcome? No, the finish point was washed out in the rains, no place to sit for the tired walkers, the physios had packed up and left since they had not planned for such a situation!

There was no food to welcome us, the tea had become cold having been kept in the rain! The chairs and tent was wet and cold!

We did not care that our timing was registered wrong, we waited for certificates, all the while standing because no one cared that we should get some rest!!

What was obvious during the whole experience was to me it seemed that no one cared!! (This does not include our support crew or friends and family who were following our journey throughout and rooting for us) The trail was not considered safe, if there was any accident, getting to safety was not easy, getting medical aid was not possible, walking with an injured person would have been a mammoth task. Only on two segments did I see volunteers in tents.

During the whole walk, though we saw signage across the trail, talking about our ''walk for equality'', the cause could not be felt!! It felt more of a challenge than walk for a cause! Walking 100 kms by itself is no easy feat and to be able to achieve that for a cause is commendable!

Were they promoting the challenging trail walk – no the name is misleading in itself!! It cannot be classified as a walk,it was a hike, a trek of 100 kms!!!  

Was every person interested in raising funds fit enough to take on this trail? No!! So if I have the inclination to raise funds for a cause, Oxfam Mumbai is not meant for me, so it is the challenge which is given the priority?

I feel empty, I feel like something has been taken away from me, but I got nothing in return, and all I was expecting was a satisfaction of having walked 100 kms for a cause I believed in!  I felt cheated of the fun I should have been having and not left feeling scared of the trail!! In between it all, I started losing faith in humanity and trusting only the supreme power!

Cause or challenge?

Slow And Steady

“The thoughts that occur to me while I’m running are like clouds in the sky. Clouds of all different sizes. They come and they go, while the sky remains the same sky always. The clouds are mere guests in the sky that pass away and vanish, leaving behind the sky.”
― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

Any reader of Murakami would be able to tell you that his style of writing is disjoint, his thoughts disconnected, surreal, yet believable!
I had a tough time reading Kafka on the Shore, maybe cats can talk?

So it was that I decided to finally read “What I talk about when I talk about running” Two marathons in and several years of running later, I had the courage to pick it up!
There are books about running a plenty in the market with this being the most popular among fitness enthusiasts. I event noticed an apartment complex in the outskirts of Bangalore advertising a 1 km running track as its USP!!!

This book of Murakami is not about running! It is about finding himself through running! From managing a jazz club in his 20’s to running and writing!  
He does not give tips about running, techniques or the kind of diet to follow or the schedules which would work best!

He writes instead about his runs every day, how he built his endurance over the years and the sheer determination which became him.  He writes about how his focus as a writer, a speaker improved once he became disciplined in his schedules. About living with goals and living life to the fullest.  His strict regime which has made him such a fine runner!

“Being active every day makes it easier to hear that inner voice.”
― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

About the people he bumps into, the small victories.

Again, true to his style, he jumps around! Moving across continents! Running spots! 

How would it resonate with a non-runner- would it motivate them to hit the road, or even a tread mill? No!
How would the book help a runner- other than telling them to “just run’’, not much help!
Did it make a difference to me- maybe…… he does not talk about cross training, core work outs, strength training, tempo runs and intervals. He just says “Run”

Yes, he did talk about his iron-man attempts and his success, his solo runs in Greece – All inspiring!

This is why I really liked the book! It resonates so well with me as a person!

“I’m the kind of person who likes to be by himself. To put a finer point on it, I’m the type of person who doesn’t find it painful to be alone. I find spending an hour or two every day running alone, not speaking to anyone, as well as four or five hours alone at my desk, to be neither difficult nor boring. I’ve had this tendency ever since I was young, when, given a choice, I much preferred reading books on my own or concentrating on listening to music over being with someone else. I could always think of things to do by myself.”
― Haruki Murakami, What I Talk About When I Talk About Running

 Many years ago I ran to forget, to lose myself. And instead found myself!

I look forward to discovering more of myself through his writing.

OOPS!!! I DID IT AGAIN!!!

Age=distance=just a number= 42.195
So, it was that my second full marathon happened.

With a new job, stress of traveling across the city on non-existent roads, sitting with legs cramped up for nearly 3 hours in a day and all resulting in a bad back, running took a back seat!
Though I had signed up for the city run, the training did not happen as I had hoped to do.
Stopping yoga was a heart breaker, it left me with nothing.

And I had signed up for the Mumbai trail walker a month away from the marathon! Wondered if I could do that with this kind of excruciating pain

So I stopped all running and focused on just walking! And a bit of cycling.

One month of complete stoppage of all that I was used to did make me sluggish and lose interest in a lot of things in life!

I did not indulge in eating out or drinking during this time, (the Coimbatore and Goa reunion do not count) the faint hope that I would recover enough to be able to run the marathon kept me in check.

I asked a friend for help, I knew it was too late to start off, but no harm trying. His training plan was not meant for a novice runner like me who had not yet conditioned her body to start off with a 25 km run! and he never checked my progress beyond the first week! It caused more heartache!

So I decided to test my back and legs in September. A 42^nd birthday gift to myself was to try and run and cycle a 42 kms during the day in total.

Managed a comfortable 17 km run and 25 km cycling on the day. Did not feel any pain, could function normally the next day. Gained a bit of confidence to try and increase the distance the next weekend and did manage a 25 km run!!  Happiness!

But the happy streak stopped with the pain slowly coming back as the commute worsened! Decided to change the work route and take a longer route to avoid potholed roads.

I was now determined to run! With just a month to go and a run not progressing beyond 3 kms ( this was supposed to be my 30 km weekend) I was not sure if I could or should or not!!!

I kept walking regularly, could not let down my trailwaker team!!!
Gave my long run one last shot and managed a 21 km!

So it was that, I decided to run the full marathon this year with just a few long runs of which 25km was the longest!

I received comments like ”you cannot run a marathon by just walking”
My confidence did not wane!

Signed up with a pacer who was firm on a ‘’all run no walk’’ strategy.

Again the doubts crept in, I had never done this before!!

You won’t know till you try and put in your best efforts!!

 

So I did, put in my faith, trust and ran!!
Never walked!!