Doors

I recall watching a movie where an army crosses a moat rushing down the bridge with a battering ram and crashing it against the locked castle doors. 

They step back and come back with more force, the noise and impact jarring. Yet the doors do not budge.

Within the castle, against the door, there is turmoil. 

The doors stand steady against the constant battering. 

I watch amazed at the strength of the doors, the steady state against rest of the world. 

But, the tipping point is reached and the doors cave in, the enemy outside rushes within, 

there is massacre and plunder. 

The war is over, but the fight is not.

There is still strength left, they pick up the lost pieces, rebuild the doors and raise it majestically to continue their fight against the evil powers outside. 

Year 2018.

No Drama Llama I told myself.

Don't create it

Don't invite it

Don't associate with it

6 months into it, am a better me, because am all me. 

I have stopped making my issues bigger than me, have stopped feeding the molehills. 

Lesser toxic people, more real friends. 

No baggage to try and offload, no heartaches thanks to fewer expectations from others.

I understood this sentence so much better.

“Resilient people identify those who are available, trustworthy and helpful. Then they go towards this light,” 

The answers I seek, I find in solitude. 

They come when I least expect it.

I had tickets booked and vacation plans made for a trip to the mountains for a week early September.

My plans went awry which are a common happening when kids and parents are your sole responsibility.

The old me, would have cried and complained to all my "friends" about my sorry predicament.

The new me, canceled the tickets, the bookings, accepted the situation and read a book!!!

Today makes it a month of no running. It hurts me not to be able to have that release I need, but prioritising on what's more important to those important to me has made me change how I feel and I know I can bounce back into it soon. 

I despair about not giving my children the life they deserve, social circles adding to their feeling of inadequacies and insufficiencies.  There is still time I tell, we will cross this phase one day at at time I tell them. 

When I am struck by anxiety and a surge of loneliness, I close my eyes and let the feeling of self pity and fear pass, knowing very well " This too shall pass" 

The battering rams, never give up. They come at you with more force every time you pull yourself back, but the strength within and faith makes you rise again and again!!