Till Death Do Us Part

What can you say about a 48 year old man who died?

That he was brilliant and funny 

and he loved soft music and laughter!

and 

Black coffee.

That he smoked so much that your last words to him will always echo in your mind!

"I will see you again only when you stop smoking"

Why does death leave you longing to say the things left unsaid?'

Who does death bring more pain to- the one who cares or the one who cared?

How does death take away what was never yours yet leave you feeling empty?

What does death get by leaving behind dull pain and tears?

When does death turn the anger into acceptance?

Where does death leave the unshed tears weeks after you realise you can never talk or meet again?

"Witty, Sharp, Funny, Intelligent, Bond"

"Finance expert, a surprise romantic, soft-spoken demeanour."

"Raghu made incredibly beautiful bouquets of the wildflowers he handpicked from the forest hill behind his room. Rest In Peace, my friend."

Words shared by old friends, who remembered him from the years gone by!

His shy smile, wry humour, keen mind is what everyone remembers  of him.

6th November 2015

Our meeting after 17 years was unexpected and full of surprises. 

I made a friend! 
Someone who wanted to do special things for me.

The old fashioned gentleman, holding car doors open for me, always, always being there before I reach to meet, to draw a chair for me, 

Insisting on picking me and dropping me off, even if it meant going out of his way! 

Few knew how excited I always was to meet him,

 few knew of our long walks, talks over several cups of coffee and iced tea, sharing fear of the present and the future, feeling pain for the past and the present, shedding silent tears over what could have been and could not. 

If you take time off to meet someone on your/ their birthday, everyone knows that's special!

Grateful for his old fashioned ways, I have emails to read and grin and blush! 

Never shy to sign off with XO and Hugs! 

Some memories will remain only mine.

26th November 2018

His life was gentle, and the elements mixed so well in him that Nature might stand up and say to all the world, “This was a man.”

 

Raghu Ramachandran

3rd Sep 1970- 26th Nov 2018

Swan Song

Nothing surprises me anymore when it comes to running!

I have good days and terrible days! My junk miles are far more than what is considered respectful in running circles!

But the thrill of  a good trail and the energy of the crowd makes me want to be there to experience it all.

Kaveri Trail Marathon 2018 was not meant to happen. I was not in the best of forms this year, with poor sleep, indiscipline at the gym, personal commitments, long work hours and more excuses.

 But the things we do for love! 

When I met an old soul who said he was running his first half marathon at KTM 2018 and asked if I would be running, I fell for it too! I had to be there!

I signed up.

I remembered my words to A1 from RFL after KTM 2017, that I would come back to win the race the next year in my age category,  This was not to be realised if I was running with someone else, It did not matter, since the pleasure of a good race with a good friend mattered more to me!

Race day was looming ahead, with a sudden apartment move after 13 years and settling in taking its toll, exhaustion was my only constant emotion.

Yet, I was keen to run.

An injury made my friend cancel his plans!  Now I had my doubts as well, Did i want to wake up at 2 am to do this with a long journey included,

I was a firm believer of 'the travel should never be longer than the time taken for the run!'

But here, it was definitely more. Did I want to do it?

This was one of the more expensive runs, also tough.

A neighbour was running with his friends, he insisted I join them. 

He is a certified crazy runner, who runs everyday, has run the toughest race in the country and never stops.

I was nowhere near his pace or endurance. 

So I told him I would run my own race if I did come.

Every training run was getting to be a struggle to find time. Every time I stepped out of home in the morning, I told myself to be grateful for the time I got. 

It was getting tougher to make time! I owed that time to my daughter instead!

I made up my mind. I was determined. I would run to win! Just as I had decided a year ago.

The weather the previous night was not race friendly, It rained heavily, even at 2 am in the morning. 

I had visions of slushy slippery trails, with overflowing canals!!

Sometimes the weather god can be kind after a scary night. 

It stopped raining by the time we reached the venue.

The sun did not come out and hid behind the clouds. 

The small group of committed runners took off for the full marathon, while the half marathoners stretched near the start line.

I ran not too worried about the pace, keeping it at a comfortable level, slowly overtaking the other runners. 

The 10.5 km turn was a feel good point, knowing we were now going home.

I could make out that there were few half marathoners who were racing, some women still ahead of me. 

At the 16th km, the effects of ignoring my gym work outs showed up as fatigue.

The slow painful process of completion had begun. It was still my own race.

I saw the usual suspects making their way to the finish, some call them old women, but all I saw were "strong runners" 

Sometimes knowing helps! and here I knew. They were behind me or with me.

The faster open category women had raced ahead. I let a few pass me.

I knew what I was after!

Saw my favourite runner going back for his second loop for the Full. 

He gave me a mental boost when he cheered me on.

And thus a race was won!

First among equals.

Something in me told me I had won.

I told my friends I might have. 

But I knew! and it was my secret till they publicly announced it!! 

It took me 9 years to get here to the podium. Every kilometre contributing towards this finish.

A podium finish is always a hope, not achievable without efforts. 

This one, being a less competitive race and a trail run, is not a favourite among the professionals. 

It's the more passionate ones who make it! 

What makes KTM a coveted event is the the warmth of the organisers, support from friends and family, no frills venue, the rush of the canal, the green fields, bullock carts passing by, birds watching you from afar and the silence of the trail. 

Running will continue, but races will not.

I have plenty of miles to go before I sleep! 

This being my swan song! 

Till I make my re-entry into the world of events after 4 years! 

Kaveri Trail Marathon 2018

scripboxktm.com

https://scripboxktm.com/post-race/#section-3
2:09:09
Winner among Senior Women -HM

http://www.myraceindia.com/result-link.html?val1=NjYwMA==&val2=S2F2ZXJpIFRyYWlsIE1hcmF0aG9uIDIwMTg=&contestType=SW5kaXZpZHVhbA==&year=MjAxOA==

The Importance of Being Earnest

It's not the destination, it's the journey! 

How often have we heard that! Yet we wait for the destination, our steps hastening when we know we are near.

How well do we prepare for the journey? 

We think about it day's in advance, look for stops on the way, maybe a detour to help ease boredom. 

But the destination is what is always on our mind.

All the work goes into planning the places we would see when we reach the final destination, the things we could do, the anticipation of something new. 

So it was with the 5th year of Shriram Properties Bengaluru Marathon,

After 4 years of participation in a Full marathon at the event, this year I knew my physical limits and signed up for a Half marathon on the last day of registration. 

I took it to be a training run towards a full Marathon in January at Mumbai and made my training plan accordingly.

Well meaning friends tried to tell me that running was a mental game and I should sign up for a full marathon. 

Running becomes a mental game only when the body is ready. You cannot punish your physical being beyond what it is trained for and expect the mind to control it.

And I like to keep it fun! 

Injuries, work stress, time constraints all excuses which reflect on your performance. 

I cheated on my run schedules, felt guilty about the money I had paid for the gym, tried to squeeze in a work-out once in a while, knowing fully well, without discipline and consistency even a hard's day work once in 2 weeks will reap no benefits!

Nothing comes easy, not even a Half marathon distance when you are not training for it! 

Suddenly the journey was getting to be challenging and the destination was not something to look forward to.

Here, the mind does play its part.

It distracts itself, at times goes into denial. other times into acceptance. Knowing which is best for you to face a challenge is how you train your mind to run the race.

A training run. I kept telling myself the days leading towards Event day.

Normally the expo enthuses me when I meet excited runners, interact with pacers, meet friends.

This time, the expo was a far away job with just the bibs to be collected.

I knew the crowds during a Half marathon would be more than a Full and I would have to jostle for shoe space, sun would be on top of me forcing me to search for some shade, the aid stations would run out of water since half the race is already over! 

Never one to be unplanned, this time I did not even have my morning transport to the venue fixed and decided last minute to go with a friend I met inside the complex. 

A training run I told myself.

Walked into the stadium, did a few stretches, no familiar faces in the crowds, started, ran, stopped to help a fellow runner at the 9th KM, a Full marathoner who was cramping, slowed down at the 16th Km to help a friend, a Full marathoner, running his first Full Marathon catch his breath and keep going.

Continued on my solo journey, calm, comfortable no pressure of time and distance. 

The finish point, the destination was not too far away and a sprint and a finish.

Within 5 minutes I was near an exit gate and decided to leave before I got caught in the drama and excitement which normally follows. 

So, this was the journey they talk about.

The 2 hours of rush outside, still within, noise on the roads, silence in your head! Peace.

My destination then was not the finish point, but the calm, joy and satisfaction of a race well run!!

"The person who starts the race is not the same as the person who finishes the race."

2:10 for a HM at SPBM 2018.

Finishing 4th in my age category was an unexpected bonus.

http://www.bengalurumarathon.in/Results_2018.html

Here Comes The Sun

Birthdays are always special,

not just for the celebrant, but for their family, friends and colleagues!!

There is cake- my favourite ones, plenty of flowers of my favourite kind, there are bumps and free flowing laughter on most occasions. And Lots of Love - my favourite kind.

45 is an age, I refer to as the "Age of the Ultra" 

But circumstances are ensuring Ultra remains a dream.

And I continue to work towards fulfilling it.

Every birthday reminds me of the one which I can never forget. 

The happy one at times, but rudely, the ones which bring the tears.

Memories remain, but the pain is gone.

So we celebrate in ways appropriate. 

An early birthday celebration with classmates who turned friends, with extended family - strangers no more. This kicked off the celebration days in advance and helped create better memories.

Grateful for friends who accept and love me for the person I am.

This day was guaranteed to remain a quiet, no excitement, me and mine day...

Till the past crept upon me in ways I never would have imagined a month ago. 

It brought with it memories, smiles, anticipation and maybe closures.

And a chance meeting.

A very special birthday gift! 

And another meeting from the not so distant past. 
A medley of emotions.

Each a different reason, as different as night and day. 

Bringing with it a different season.

"It's been a long cold lonely winter

it feels like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun

And I say it's ALL right!"

Here Comes the Sun

Look forward to new beginnings and many more journeys around the sun!

Happy Birthday to me!

Bicycling Diaries

Wednesday being a holiday here, I decided to catch up on some afternoon cycling before the kids took over the roads.

I circled the block once, saw a stranger( defined as someone I have never seen before in my complex) with a worried look.

Not used to interfering where I'm not needed, I continued circling the block.

I found few kids running around and wanted to get my 10 K in before more of them came.

The next time I saw her she was with another neighbour ( defined as someone who lives in my apartment complex and I have had casual conversations with) also with a  very worried look and walking rapidly around the block.

I stopped.

and asked if there was a problem,.

"Children missing" she said and asked if I had seen a boy and girl together. 

I had seen few kids, but no boys. 

The stranger, said her kids were missing. They were playing in the park and were not there anymore.

Our apartment complex is safe. That is the reason I choose to live here. 

We have security round the clock and around the blocks.

We have only one functional gate.

There are cameras.

Yet, we have had our own stories of delivery boys and thievery.

I continued cycling, now looking inside the parking lots and between the buildings. 

I went back and met her near the park.

Panic had set in.

Security guards were walking around. Little kids were running around.

The mother was shaking. 

What do we do when something like this happens to us.

We lose our head, we fail to think and sequence out events.

We panic! 

That is why we reach out to others. 

An outsider who can stay calm and think through situations.

I stopped, all thoughts of cycling now gone.

Spoke to her, asked if she was visiting someone here. 

She mentioned she had moved in recently ( 2 weeks back) 

her kids were 5 and 8 years old. 

They were playing in the park with the other kids, but when she came down they were not there.

It had been an hour since then.

I asked about the school they went to, if they had friends in the complex.

She said they knew no one and the only person they knew was the girl who was running around in search of them.

I asked if they may have gone to someone else's house, she insisted they knew no one and would not do that.

How quick we are to forget the natural tendency of kids.

They trust easily, they make friends out of strangers without a thought or fear. 

Being a holiday and the afternoon, there was no one around.

Other than the kids and the two women.

Some gardening staff and the security, Few drivers hanging around.

Office was closed 

Someone had to take charge. 

I told the security to get the keys to the office and have a look at the security camera.

he insisted that no kid had walked out, he was there are the gate, or someone was always there

I believed him.

They take their job seriously here.

Still for the sake of elimination, I requested them to go to the manager's home for the keys.

Next the cleaning staff were sent to all the toilets and storage rooms in all the blocks to have a look.

Sometimes kids sit around there, or maybe get locked in??

The security were made to walk and check behind each car park to check if they were not playing hide and seek. Innocence of kids!!

The kids were sent to check between the apartment blocks where there was plenty of hiding space.

The final person to talk to was the mom who was now in tears.

Questions were repeated, 

Did the kids remember the apartment number?

Did they have other friends

Do they use the lift by themselves.

Did you check inside the apartment before you came down?

I thought back to my kids and the anxious moments I have had with them.

All came back with no sign of the kids.

I realised that they were in someone's apartment or sitting near the terrace entrance. 

My kids have done that. 

I sent the kids out on another mission now.

Go scream the two children's names floor to floor and building by building. 

The mother was sent home to wait near the apartment. 

I could feel the anxiety and felt for her.

I would have done the same, lost my cool, my usual clear thinking head if this had been my kids.

I have been in such situations and gone to various apartments looking for my kids. I have always found them laughing, 

at that moment, I would yell, out of relief, 

they would continue doing it over the years, not realising how much of anxiety they had caused in me. 

The kids were found, 

they were sitting in another apartment with other children they had not known before, 

a random afternoon invite and they were laughing and playing and making friends like how kids should do.

Do we step in when needed?

Do we take charge when we know we can?

Do we have a clear head when others around us lose theirs?

Would we stop to help a stranger?

Voice Of A Distant Star

I should thank the book Gods or my daughter for handing me some good books to read.

One of a kind books which make you love yourself because you read.

These are the best kind of books.

This I read while traveling.  All in a day's journey.

It talks about the social and political discrepancies existing in a society.

The approach is brutal and raw in many places, leaving you angry and sad for the marginalised population.

It could happen anywhere in the world, more so, where there is a marked difference between the haves and have nots. 

The author deftly handles questions on racism, discrimination, prejudices, the answers not always pleasant, but keeping it real.

The storyline is set around a family, community, the support, being there, friendship, love even when it is easy to hate. 

Love the way the author depicts the importance of family and the love which is always there. In every small action, without being overly loud and obvious. Love exists. Even on our worst days.

“At an early age I learned that people make mistakes, and you have to decide if their mistakes are bigger than your love for them.” 

The most important aspect of the book is about being brave. 

A young girl, who is taught to be brave even when she fears. Making us understand the difference yet the connect which exists. 

A young girl is taught to use her voice for something very powerful, and learns that, by itself, it is enough to make a difference. 

“What's the point of having a voice if you're gonna be silent in those moments you shouldn't be?”

It is about being authentic and true to yourself, about being resilient, about the passion that exists within us,consequences of actions and decisions. 

It is a book for the young adult, who is gaining independence in life, yet needs the support of love and guidance of the more experience and world wise family and friends.

It is for girls who are confused about where they belong, who are their real friends, what parents really want for them.

“Sometimes you can do everything right and things will still go wrong. The key is to never stop doing right.” 

What made me love this book- the star of the book is Starr, she handles life and death and black and white.Everyday.

Somehow as I read the book I pictured Lupita Nyong’o playing Starr-(I know she does not act in the soon to be released movie!) 

I left the pages feeling good for my daughter knowing she had read it, knowing in some way, the book would touch her and give her the courage even in fear. 

“Brave doesn't mean you're not scared. It means you go on even though you're scared.” 

The Hate U Give

-Angie Thomas

Cause And Effect

“Inertia, force, mass, gravity, velocity, acceleration. . .cause and effect.

Liz Emerson doesn't understand any of it.

But I do.

I understand how we fall. Where we fall. Why we fall.

I understand her sadness and loneliness and silence, her shattered heart.

It doesn't have to be this way, does it?

It wasn't always this way, was it?

Stay alive, Liz Emerson, stay alive.” 

Is life all about cause and effect?

This is how I grew up,

"You are sick today, because you played in the rain.

Your child is suffering because of your sins."

We believe in karmic justice. 

What goes around comes around.
Everything that goes wrong is blamed on past transgressions.

I bought this book for my daughter.

But I read it before her.

It was confusing in the beginning,

It follows a non linear pattern, which by itself is a give-away. 

I was unsure who was telling the story, it followed various relationships across the years.

It took a while to get used to it, 

Thats when you realise it is depressing. 

It makes you sad. 

There are no fun times, no laughter, no sweet young teenage romance. And it is about a  teenage girl and her friends. 

The characters are extremely unlikeable.

They go out of their way to hate and cause havoc upon poeple they hate and also those whom they love. 

Your words and actions which to you may seem harmless, have a lasting effect on others.

This book is about privileges and the ways they can be misused,

about depression, not just being a feeling of sadness but also the actions it can lead towards, 

about loneliness even though you may seem to have everything and everyone around you.

Why we are unable to reach out for help at times.

How you start to feel the world would be a better place without you. 

“She finally figured out that she, Liz Emerson, was the equal and opposite reaction. She was the consequence.” 

It is an extremely thought provoking book and asks the right questions to parents and young adults.

What is the purpose of your life, what effect does our action have on others, how do we influence others by them, what societal pressure do we take upon ourselves to belong? 

“Funny things, aren't they? People. They only believed in what they could see. Appearances were all that mattered, and no one would ever care what she was like on the inside. No one cared that she was breaking apart.” 

How we lose ourselves somewhere in the search for happiness.

About being strong. Which is not always a good thing, 

Problems are real and we need to face them and seek help. 

To accept help when it is given. 

“She was tired. Gravity pulled at her more aggressively than usual. When she closed her eyes, she could feel it, dragging her deeper, deeper. I would have pulled her back. I would have saved her from falling, but she didn’t see my hand.” 

Everyone has their problem, big or small. 

This book makes it all realistic, it strikes a chord within me for the inner struggles faced and the emotional upheaval a person goes through. The emptiness on a busy day. 

“She wanted to go back. She wanted to be a little girl again, the one who thought getting high meant being pushed on the swing and pain was falling off her bike.” 

This book deals with drugs, casual sex, drinking, rash driving, pregnancy, poor grades, disrespect to authority. 

It is everything you do not want to be exposed to, it is all that you do not want your teenage daughter to know about.

Yet, i think this story is for all the teenagers who are influencing each other as well as being influenced by others.

It is everything a parent should know. It may help understand yourself better and deal with your children a lot more kinder.

There are so many moments in the book I could relate to and I felt myself tearing up and my senses being kicked hard. 

Some of Liz's past tells us about how her future is shaping up.

What can we do today, to make our tomorrow better.

Newton's laws applied to life. 

“It is then, when she releases her need to understand, that everything falls into place.” 

I started reading the book expecting nothing, did not like it when I started, read it with hatred for the characters, started liking them for their rawness, loved the book when I finished. 

I recommend this book to all parents and older teens.

I recommend this book for all counsellors dealing with kids and parents. 

Read

“There's more to life than cause and effect.” 

― Amy Zhang, Falling into Place

Doors

I recall watching a movie where an army crosses a moat rushing down the bridge with a battering ram and crashing it against the locked castle doors. 

They step back and come back with more force, the noise and impact jarring. Yet the doors do not budge.

Within the castle, against the door, there is turmoil. 

The doors stand steady against the constant battering. 

I watch amazed at the strength of the doors, the steady state against rest of the world. 

But, the tipping point is reached and the doors cave in, the enemy outside rushes within, 

there is massacre and plunder. 

The war is over, but the fight is not.

There is still strength left, they pick up the lost pieces, rebuild the doors and raise it majestically to continue their fight against the evil powers outside. 

Year 2018.

No Drama Llama I told myself.

Don't create it

Don't invite it

Don't associate with it

6 months into it, am a better me, because am all me. 

I have stopped making my issues bigger than me, have stopped feeding the molehills. 

Lesser toxic people, more real friends. 

No baggage to try and offload, no heartaches thanks to fewer expectations from others.

I understood this sentence so much better.

“Resilient people identify those who are available, trustworthy and helpful. Then they go towards this light,” 

The answers I seek, I find in solitude. 

They come when I least expect it.

I had tickets booked and vacation plans made for a trip to the mountains for a week early September.

My plans went awry which are a common happening when kids and parents are your sole responsibility.

The old me, would have cried and complained to all my "friends" about my sorry predicament.

The new me, canceled the tickets, the bookings, accepted the situation and read a book!!!

Today makes it a month of no running. It hurts me not to be able to have that release I need, but prioritising on what's more important to those important to me has made me change how I feel and I know I can bounce back into it soon. 

I despair about not giving my children the life they deserve, social circles adding to their feeling of inadequacies and insufficiencies.  There is still time I tell, we will cross this phase one day at at time I tell them. 

When I am struck by anxiety and a surge of loneliness, I close my eyes and let the feeling of self pity and fear pass, knowing very well " This too shall pass" 

The battering rams, never give up. They come at you with more force every time you pull yourself back, but the strength within and faith makes you rise again and again!!