Full House

2017 saw 2 more dwellers in my already small apartment.

They, like the proverbial camel in the tent, slowly inched their way into our home.

Of course, just like the Arab, I too allowed my emotions get in the way of sense and paid the price for it.

No, I did not get kicked out like the Arab, we still have found space to stick together.

First came Guilt.

He came in slowly, over a period of time, in the form of seemingly innocuous remarks, the open comments. The definite No's and the silent stares.

Guilt causes arguments at home, is loud, makes everyone angry. Never a good moment around with him. Yet, love can silence Guilt.

So it was that my usual meeting friends for dinner, reduced over a period of time

I did not want to have dinner with Guilt.

Then came Fear.

In many cases, with old parents at home, she stays for a long time. 

Comes suddenly, with just one sickness, a fall, the constantly failing memory.

Fear is never addressed directly. Fear remains silent but Fear is a constant. 

Fear does not differentiate between ages. Love cannot quieten Fear. It creates more space in your home for her.

Today, we exist together. Most days are quiet and peaceful, knowing they are moving around in the background. 

Ever so often, one shows up loud and nasty.

Then the already Full House becomes claustrophobic with more of theirs visiting - Anger, Frustration, Hate, Self Pity,  Exhaustion. 

2018, I look forward to slowly moving out my squatters. Forcing them into a corner and edging them out.

Look forward to more space for myself and my own. 

Creating space for Peace and Acceptance instead.

Two People

A free verse book. 

Never read one before.

Two sided.

Two hearts

Two brains 

Two of most.

But waist down

One below.

Grace and Tippi

A very quick and easy read.

The words linger longer in your heart.

Their image swims before your eyes.

You smile thinking they could be normal.

You cry that they are not.

I share their daily struggle, wishing I could be there!

There is so much inside them

Fear, anger, hate, pride, 

Yet, lot of love.

Exploring their feelings, 

Emotions and hormones work like you and me

Physical needs are but normal.

But they are not, are they?

There is also another one.

The one who is normal

Forced to accept the abnormally at home and in her life.

Does anyone understand her struggles as well?

Friends are not easy,

Life becomes a show

One heart goes slow.

Decisions to be taken

Never easy for anyone 

They are still kids with their dreams and desires.

Some consider it a success

But never is it the same for that ONE.

“Around here normal is a slur,' he says, 'Deep down everyone wants to be a star and normal is the road to nothingness.” 

One by Sarah Crossan

Uncomplicated Us

This morning as I got ready to go to work, a hundred thoughts running in my mind, clearing the house for the painters to do their job, to avoid much lifting and work for my parents, rushing kids to shake the weekend lethargy and get ready for school, asking questions, giving pointers. A quick check of e-mails and messages, to make sure I have not missed something important. 

Chaos. Most days, it is chaos. This is my non running days. I know things are quieter at home when am not around.

The fear of missing something, losing control, leaving behind unfinished work for others to complete, makes most working moms anxious and worried. 

And we strive to balance work and other's life and self.

With 2 weeks to Christmas and the house in a disarray, shopping to be completed, baking, project deadlines, all overwhelming.

I step out of home, later than usual, a hot winter day.  Trying to attract the attention of an auto for my 7 minute ride to work, with my laptop, work out clothes, lunch, snack and several jumbled thoughts weighing me down as well, I ask myself, what do I want. 

I look at passing cars occupied by elegantly coiffured women with their laptops open, luxurious bags, manicured hands around expensive phones in chauffeur driven cars, everything screaming out luxury and wonder what would they want?

Do I want what they have? 

Many years ago, when I had started my working life, my priorities were clear- my wants were materialistic in nature- Computer, Car and House. 

And I went ahead and made them mine.

Today, my needs are different. Am I the only one? 

I reached out to some of my friends and ask them what they want as a woman today.

There were the cheeky 40+ women's answers as well as very understated and simple needs. 

Very few wanted diamonds and materialistic gifts,  most were looking for an enriched soul and wholesome life.

Many moms wanted more family time, some just wanted their grown up teenagers to be babies again. 

Wanted the newly married feeling back in their lives to enjoy the spontaneity with their spouses. 

Not have to hide our wrinkles and age spots and to wear our greys with grace. 

Be respected and accepted by our co-workers and family when we go through our pre-menopausal mood swings! We are kind and strong people, we too have our moments. 

We are ambitious and career oriented, support our late night calls, meetings, work we bring home.

More shared responsibility at home from our kids and spouses. Pick up after yourself.. Even ordering in involves laying the table, washing and cleaning up.

Want our kids to know we are human and have emotions and can have a break down. We yell, yes, because we love more than our heart allows. 

Be supported for our sudden urges to "be different" 

Calm our fears, they are not unfounded.

Hugs, holding hands, quiet time. Gentle massages, Listen when we talk. My time.

Talk! 

The occasional diamonds are accepted.

Is it too much to ask?

Dusk to Dawn

Some things you hold close to your heart, thanks to the good memories associated with it. 

So it is with Kaveri Trail Marathon.

2009.

The first is always special. and being just the second race, made it even more! 

And when it is something you are happy with, the memories are sweeter!

A new race, it was known for its scenic, undiscovered trails. And for being tough primarily because of the humidity of the region.

For a newbie into running, nothing matters. Someone tells you to sign up because you can do it, You just go ahead and do it!

No doubts, no second thoughts.

Training is simple, just keep running, slowly and steadily over a period till you reach the distance you desire.

Tracking is on fingers! How many rounds around the block?

Shoes are what's affordable, clothes are kept simple.

And the race is run! with the heart. Legs just follow the beat!

There are no medals, no timing chips. winners are chosen by the order of finishing!

Simple, uncomplicated stuff!

Those were the good old days of running. 

I never gave a thought to hydration, to salt pills, energy gels, pace, time. 

Every run was exciting. I stayed injury free through years of half marathons. 

What changed through the years? 

Did growing old manifest itself in worrying and thinking more? 

Did knowledge cause more disruption in the running than aid it? 

As the distances grew so did the injuries, the fear and uncertainties!

When I registered for KTM 2017, I did it for a friend. He wanted support to complete his first half marathon.

With kids and family commitments, this too was one race where I registered, but never showed up. I hoped for my friend's sake I would make it this year.

Shift in the date to November, made the humidity tolerable. 

Having run a full marathon in October, uncertainties were meant to be less.

Yet, the week of the race saw me giving up, physically and mentally. 

My body refused to co-operate, the legs were like lead, even a 5 km seemed like the last 5kms of a 42km run. 

and the friend backed out on the day before the event.

My heart was not in it.

 Going alone so far was no fun! 

A turn of events, connects with new runners and a meeting with an old friend.

The heart and body says stay, the mind says you need to go. 

It is always advised to rest well before a race.

I refused to listen to my inner voice, but gave in to my racing heart. 

The night before the run was filled with joy, the pleasure of the company you always seek.

Some friends can give you the confidence you need just by being there.

and so it was that I left for the event in the middle of the night, with the responsibility of the bib to be handed over.

Several hours of confusions and waiting in the cold, had me who had reached the start point 1 hour before the race, start 12 minutes after the gun time!

My already troubling phone, gave up on me. 

I ran with a feeling of frustration that I had been made to wait and a sudden fear of being alone! 

Deep Breaths. Running teaches you that! 

Deja vu

I ran once again with my heart, with no idea of the time, with only the km marker to guide the distances I was covering, I ran on. 

Yes, we all have our finish targets, but this time, with no app to keep track, I did not know if I was doing it right!

I told myself I would not worry about finish time. 

I would run comfortably, enjoy the scenic beauty of the canals and the fields, cheer fellow runners, smile more, stop often and enjoy running like I used to.

I made sure I hydrated well, stopped to eat what was on offer, chatted with other runners. Humidity was at 75% that morning and my sweat drenched T-shirt signalled me to add salt to my water.

Not once did I think about how fast or far I had to go! 

I do not know how I could run without cramping, which normally hits me when I lose so much salts, or how I could smile and talk so much even when I was trying to keep my balance on the uneven trails. 

So, 

I did not get ranked because I started after the permissible start time, Yes, I did get my timing.

There were no race day photos, no fancy finish line.

I made new friends, enjoyed the run, met an old friend and ran my best half marathon ever!

The pure joy of running! 

KTM 2017.