Full House

2017 saw 2 more dwellers in my already small apartment.

They, like the proverbial camel in the tent, slowly inched their way into our home.

Of course, just like the Arab, I too allowed my emotions get in the way of sense and paid the price for it.

No, I did not get kicked out like the Arab, we still have found space to stick together.

First came Guilt.

He came in slowly, over a period of time, in the form of seemingly innocuous remarks, the open comments. The definite No's and the silent stares.

Guilt causes arguments at home, is loud, makes everyone angry. Never a good moment around with him. Yet, love can silence Guilt.

So it was that my usual meeting friends for dinner, reduced over a period of time

I did not want to have dinner with Guilt.

Then came Fear.

In many cases, with old parents at home, she stays for a long time. 

Comes suddenly, with just one sickness, a fall, the constantly failing memory.

Fear is never addressed directly. Fear remains silent but Fear is a constant. 

Fear does not differentiate between ages. Love cannot quieten Fear. It creates more space in your home for her.

Today, we exist together. Most days are quiet and peaceful, knowing they are moving around in the background. 

Ever so often, one shows up loud and nasty.

Then the already Full House becomes claustrophobic with more of theirs visiting - Anger, Frustration, Hate, Self Pity,  Exhaustion. 

2018, I look forward to slowly moving out my squatters. Forcing them into a corner and edging them out.

Look forward to more space for myself and my own. 

Creating space for Peace and Acceptance instead.

Two People

A free verse book. 

Never read one before.

Two sided.

Two hearts

Two brains 

Two of most.

But waist down

One below.

Grace and Tippi

A very quick and easy read.

The words linger longer in your heart.

Their image swims before your eyes.

You smile thinking they could be normal.

You cry that they are not.

I share their daily struggle, wishing I could be there!

There is so much inside them

Fear, anger, hate, pride, 

Yet, lot of love.

Exploring their feelings, 

Emotions and hormones work like you and me

Physical needs are but normal.

But they are not, are they?

There is also another one.

The one who is normal

Forced to accept the abnormally at home and in her life.

Does anyone understand her struggles as well?

Friends are not easy,

Life becomes a show

One heart goes slow.

Decisions to be taken

Never easy for anyone 

They are still kids with their dreams and desires.

Some consider it a success

But never is it the same for that ONE.

“Around here normal is a slur,' he says, 'Deep down everyone wants to be a star and normal is the road to nothingness.” 

One by Sarah Crossan

Uncomplicated Us

This morning as I got ready to go to work, a hundred thoughts running in my mind, clearing the house for the painters to do their job, to avoid much lifting and work for my parents, rushing kids to shake the weekend lethargy and get ready for school, asking questions, giving pointers. A quick check of e-mails and messages, to make sure I have not missed something important. 

Chaos. Most days, it is chaos. This is my non running days. I know things are quieter at home when am not around.

The fear of missing something, losing control, leaving behind unfinished work for others to complete, makes most working moms anxious and worried. 

And we strive to balance work and other's life and self.

With 2 weeks to Christmas and the house in a disarray, shopping to be completed, baking, project deadlines, all overwhelming.

I step out of home, later than usual, a hot winter day.  Trying to attract the attention of an auto for my 7 minute ride to work, with my laptop, work out clothes, lunch, snack and several jumbled thoughts weighing me down as well, I ask myself, what do I want. 

I look at passing cars occupied by elegantly coiffured women with their laptops open, luxurious bags, manicured hands around expensive phones in chauffeur driven cars, everything screaming out luxury and wonder what would they want?

Do I want what they have? 

Many years ago, when I had started my working life, my priorities were clear- my wants were materialistic in nature- Computer, Car and House. 

And I went ahead and made them mine.

Today, my needs are different. Am I the only one? 

I reached out to some of my friends and ask them what they want as a woman today.

There were the cheeky 40+ women's answers as well as very understated and simple needs. 

Very few wanted diamonds and materialistic gifts,  most were looking for an enriched soul and wholesome life.

Many moms wanted more family time, some just wanted their grown up teenagers to be babies again. 

Wanted the newly married feeling back in their lives to enjoy the spontaneity with their spouses. 

Not have to hide our wrinkles and age spots and to wear our greys with grace. 

Be respected and accepted by our co-workers and family when we go through our pre-menopausal mood swings! We are kind and strong people, we too have our moments. 

We are ambitious and career oriented, support our late night calls, meetings, work we bring home.

More shared responsibility at home from our kids and spouses. Pick up after yourself.. Even ordering in involves laying the table, washing and cleaning up.

Want our kids to know we are human and have emotions and can have a break down. We yell, yes, because we love more than our heart allows. 

Be supported for our sudden urges to "be different" 

Calm our fears, they are not unfounded.

Hugs, holding hands, quiet time. Gentle massages, Listen when we talk. My time.

Talk! 

The occasional diamonds are accepted.

Is it too much to ask?

Dusk to Dawn

Some things you hold close to your heart, thanks to the good memories associated with it. 

So it is with Kaveri Trail Marathon.

2009.

The first is always special. and being just the second race, made it even more! 

And when it is something you are happy with, the memories are sweeter!

A new race, it was known for its scenic, undiscovered trails. And for being tough primarily because of the humidity of the region.

For a newbie into running, nothing matters. Someone tells you to sign up because you can do it, You just go ahead and do it!

No doubts, no second thoughts.

Training is simple, just keep running, slowly and steadily over a period till you reach the distance you desire.

Tracking is on fingers! How many rounds around the block?

Shoes are what's affordable, clothes are kept simple.

And the race is run! with the heart. Legs just follow the beat!

There are no medals, no timing chips. winners are chosen by the order of finishing!

Simple, uncomplicated stuff!

Those were the good old days of running. 

I never gave a thought to hydration, to salt pills, energy gels, pace, time. 

Every run was exciting. I stayed injury free through years of half marathons. 

What changed through the years? 

Did growing old manifest itself in worrying and thinking more? 

Did knowledge cause more disruption in the running than aid it? 

As the distances grew so did the injuries, the fear and uncertainties!

When I registered for KTM 2017, I did it for a friend. He wanted support to complete his first half marathon.

With kids and family commitments, this too was one race where I registered, but never showed up. I hoped for my friend's sake I would make it this year.

Shift in the date to November, made the humidity tolerable. 

Having run a full marathon in October, uncertainties were meant to be less.

Yet, the week of the race saw me giving up, physically and mentally. 

My body refused to co-operate, the legs were like lead, even a 5 km seemed like the last 5kms of a 42km run. 

and the friend backed out on the day before the event.

My heart was not in it.

 Going alone so far was no fun! 

A turn of events, connects with new runners and a meeting with an old friend.

The heart and body says stay, the mind says you need to go. 

It is always advised to rest well before a race.

I refused to listen to my inner voice, but gave in to my racing heart. 

The night before the run was filled with joy, the pleasure of the company you always seek.

Some friends can give you the confidence you need just by being there.

and so it was that I left for the event in the middle of the night, with the responsibility of the bib to be handed over.

Several hours of confusions and waiting in the cold, had me who had reached the start point 1 hour before the race, start 12 minutes after the gun time!

My already troubling phone, gave up on me. 

I ran with a feeling of frustration that I had been made to wait and a sudden fear of being alone! 

Deep Breaths. Running teaches you that! 

Deja vu

I ran once again with my heart, with no idea of the time, with only the km marker to guide the distances I was covering, I ran on. 

Yes, we all have our finish targets, but this time, with no app to keep track, I did not know if I was doing it right!

I told myself I would not worry about finish time. 

I would run comfortably, enjoy the scenic beauty of the canals and the fields, cheer fellow runners, smile more, stop often and enjoy running like I used to.

I made sure I hydrated well, stopped to eat what was on offer, chatted with other runners. Humidity was at 75% that morning and my sweat drenched T-shirt signalled me to add salt to my water.

Not once did I think about how fast or far I had to go! 

I do not know how I could run without cramping, which normally hits me when I lose so much salts, or how I could smile and talk so much even when I was trying to keep my balance on the uneven trails. 

So, 

I did not get ranked because I started after the permissible start time, Yes, I did get my timing.

There were no race day photos, no fancy finish line.

I made new friends, enjoyed the run, met an old friend and ran my best half marathon ever!

The pure joy of running! 

KTM 2017.

Game of Life

The sport which comes to mind when we think of Africa is running.

Africans, though by nature not rich in wealth are wealthy in mind and body!

They have the endurance to run long distances, fast!

And that is their fame to glory! They run, for survival.

Many a researcher has tried to understand the science behind their endurance. Many books have been written glorifying the lean powerhouses!

How easy we are to compartmentalise and stereotype!

This movie destroys this notion.

The continent has gone through drought, vast empty lands and poverty and death.

“You can ask yourself, ‘Why would so many people experience this kind of miserable place and not vacate?’ Because it is a place full of people with nowhere else to go.”

The movie I watched was about stark reality. Very similar to the slums in India, the absence of basic education, the unhygienic living conditions, the race for survival.

Into this is introduced a character so out of place and different.  A man on a mission- a missionary with a new born baby and a wife who teaches at the local school.

Chess- a game of skill, a thinkers game, strategy, planning, intelligence and wit.

The young children are quickly drawn into the game by the missionary. He coaches them, teaching them life's survival through each move.

The Queen is a 14 year old, unassuming girl, she does not read, write or go to school.  

Wise beyond her years,  seen so much losses already in life, she picks up the game and applies her survival instinct to it.

“Losing teaches me to play better.”- Phiona

“Phiona Mutesi is the ultimate underdog. To be African is to be an underdog in the world. To be Ugandan is to be an underdog in Africa. To be from Katwe is to be an underdog in Uganda. To be a girl is to be an underdog in Katwe"

Tim Crothers, The Queen of Katwe: A Story of Life, Chess, and One Extraordinary Girl's Dream of Becoming a Grandmaster

And this Ugandan girl from the slum slays her opponents, one by one, from every nation, with her calm demeanour, a controlled mind and a delightful smile!

We see her breaking down at times, when she  sees failure, lost opportunities, ambitions being trampled upon, but the strong will of someone who has lost forces her to win!

Her coach believes in her, fights for her and the selflessness of the missionary man helps her succeed. That was all she needed, the belief and the support.

An inspiring story made into an intelligent movie, directed by Mira Nair, this movie has a star cast who represent the living characters so well.

Goes to say the poverty chain can be broken if we would all step in and do our bit to help those who are in need and need it most!

"What matters is when you reset the pieces and play a game.”

 Phiona asked Kaitende, "Coach, you told us to make a plan but I fear things will never change.” and the above quote was his reply.

This is not just about Chess, but about Life!

Queen of Katwe

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt4341582/

There Will Be Blood

Continuing with the Christmas mood, I picked up a book to read this month

A gift for my daughter from a  friend, one of my favourite authors.

When I read her books as a Young  Adult, I thought  of them as mysteries to crack. 

Now when I read, I understand how well she portrays the British elitists, the craving for a life above ordinary.

The psychology of a killer and the victim too! 

And some truisms! 

“I believe the present matters --- not the past! The past muust go. If we seek to keep the past alive, we end, I think, by distorting it. We see it in exaggerated terms --- a false perspective. - Hilda Lee” 

She makes me finish a book in one siting and that is what I did with this one!!

Known for techniques, intriguing plots, planning, the set up and finally quiet murders, this one is a shocker! 

There was blood!  Lot of it! and it was not without its underlying connection to the whole murder. 

“I know enough of life to know that you can never judge any case on its outside merits.” 

This one line describes this mystery!

A prodigal son, a dysfunctional family, brought together during Christmas by the old doyen of the Lee family who thinks he can have some fun at their expense.

But the tables get turned(literally) and a murder is staged! 

Hercule Poirot has an arrogant way of solving mysteries which puts off his Scotland Yard friends, but here the police seem eager to get his help to solve this mystery. 

And therein lies the mystery.

A wonderfully woven story, love her flow of writing, clean vocabulary so uncommon in today's novels and the ways of the devious minds!

Nothing Christmassy about this one for sure!!

A satisfying read, 3 hours well spent! 
Her novels remind me of a patchwork quilt. Individuality woven together to create a masterpiece! 

Hercule Poirot's Christmas by Agatha Christie 

Love Actually

The nip in the air, the warmth of the blanket, the comforting afternoon sun, colourful cardigans, steaming hot coffee, huggable nights and baking.

Winter feels warm when the oven is on. For Baking is Loving. 

The knowledge that Christmas is around the corner perks us all up.

I love Christmas. 

It's a birthday, celebrations and loving and giving.

Growing up it was about baking, the house looked and smelt like a bakery! 

The chopping of nuts and dry fruits, weeks ahead of  D-Day, heady essence of cut fruits mixed in potent brandy, the high we got when we inhaled the aroma wafting through the house on baking day!

Rich cake, fruit cake, date cake. Christmas cake.

Several variations, all drunk.

Once I left my parental home and set up my own and started my own baking rituals, in the land of plenty baking a Christmas cake was a pleasure!

The ingredients we had to painstakingly search for to buy and clean in a small town in TamilNadu, now were so easily accessible. 

I stuck to the traditional SriLankan Christmas Cake.

Customised it to suit my taste, chopping and mixing with a dose of love. 

It is indeed a labour of love.

and Cost!

But that seems insignificant when you know this cake is going to be causing so much joy and giggles among friends and relatives.

Its November, my fruits have been chopped, the spices have been ground and mixed. I have been generous with my brandy and love the weekly overdose! The reds, yellows, gold, green, black and whites all comfortable in each others company.

Osmosis in your kitchen! 

Another month of soaking and mixing and the nuts will be plumped up ready for the cake! 

Dense, yet moist, rich flavours, a touch of spice and soft and crunch balanced well! 

The preparation is hard work, it's a good workout for the arm and the long vigil on baking night requires proper planning and ample snacking and TV time. 

And then 10 days of basting the cake readying for Christmas night! 

This birthday boy gets the best cake for sure!

Fire up the Oven! 

Christmas comes but once a year and it's truly the season of loving!  

Winter Sun

The winter sun. 

It warms you like the smile of an old friend.

So do the characters in this book.

It's like coming home! a feeling of comfort. 

It again talks of human nature and the acceptance of people and their roles in our life.

No man is bad, there is goodness in everyone.

The Botswanian's see hardship in their lives because of poverty, extreme weather conditions and lack of opportunities.

A country of empty spaces and echoing skies.

Yet they are a content soul, taking pleasure in everything nature has to offer them.

Not so much about the cases she takes on, but more about her humane approach to the people involved. 

What's not to love about the writing, the life they live and the simple approach to life!!

“Everybody in a village had a role to play in bringing up a child—and cherishing it—and in return that child would in due course feel responsible for everybody in that village. That is what makes life in society possible. We must love one another and help one another in our daily lives. That was the traditional African way and there was no substitute for it. None.” 

“It was always disconcerting to meet those who had become so obsessed with a single topic that they could not see their concerns in context.” 

“Why, she asked herself, why keep a wound open when forgiveness can close it?” 

“She had never been able to tolerate dishonesty, which she thought threatened the very heart of relationships between people. If you could not count on other people to mean what they said, or to do what they said they would do, then life could become utterly unpredictable. The fact that we could trust one another made it possible to undertake the simple tasks of life.” 

Alexander McCall Smith, The Full Cupboard of Life

Hope And Faith

9 months of injuries and illness. 
Stress fracture, injured hamstring muscles, a long drawn asthma attack

And a constant feeling of being tired. 

Skipping gym work-outs wondering if that is the cause. 

I wonder what is wrong with me.

Spend on consultations and medical tests.
Leading to even more worrisome follow ups. 

Invest in physiotherapy.

And then race day is upon me.

Am I ready?

Should I do it?

Self doubts always prevail, confidence always lacks.

Meeting the pacer, gives a little boost to the confidence.

Knowing I have friends and family who are right behind me, cheering for me, supporting me and who promise to be there for me, is all that I need to get to the starting point on race day.

The rains are not being kind, they lash the city at night, leaving me wondering if the early morning run will be washed out due to flooding. 

I spend a sleepless night, checking on the weather regularly. 

With hope and faith and a little headlamp I decide to run through the slight drizzle at 4:15 AM

Keeping pace with the pacing group was easy in the beginning.

We ran avoiding puddles, stones and slippery roads.

The pace was steady, the group was small.

Soon, the half mark and the real race begins.

With that the Half marathon runners join the crowds. And it is a crowd. 

They take over the roads with their energy and enthusiasm.

We are left behind.

The 30th mark and the struggle begins.

Still comfortable, I chug along at a steady pace.

Before I realise, its the 34th Km and I feel the pain. It comes sudden, the twitch.

At the 35th km, fatigue pulls me down. I want to stop. 

A friend whom I did not want to trouble again this year, comes by with much needed encouragement. 

Having come so far, it did not make sense to give up.
"Always concentrate on how far you've come, rather than how far you have left to go."

Help comes in the form of runners, offering gels, salt pills, plenty of which I had. 

I just needed to get to the finish line.

I lose the pacer and continue at my own pace. 

I plead for some pain relief spray, but all aid stations are out of it. 

At 37kms, I give in to the pain, the cramps building up and scream to even take a step.

Good samaritans, runners themselves struggling, come help me lift a leg and stretch the stressed out hamstrings.

Jacqueline Gareau, 1980 Boston Marathon champ:

"The body does not want you to do this. As you run, it tells you to stop but the mind must be strong. You always go too far for your body. You must handle the pain with strategy...It is not age; it is not diet. It is the will to succeed."

Determined to continue, whispering a prayer, I carry on, with new found energy.

I manage to maintain the earlier pace till the 40th mark, stopping to refill my bottle.

At 41 I see a familiar face, my pacer, 

He has broken the golden rule of pacing, he has taken the bus 5 minutes ahead of time.

No one was complaining,

He came back for me to make sure I did it.

I was thrilled to see him, He took my bottle from my hand, which was such a relief.

Even a half empty bottle with hands clamped around it, was painful. 

He then started pushing me, I tried running ahead of him, to gain some advantage and walk a few seconds till he caught up.

The final 200 m was a rush into the stadium, hitting the timing mat and meeting the rest of the pacing bus and a hug from my pacer!~!

Gratitude for all those who stood by and cheered me on.

For those who had faith that I could run, even when I was not sure. 

After 2 years, I am humbled yet again.

The route this year was 2 half loops which did make the 2nd stretch a little easy, knowing what to expect. 

But water stations and first aid stands ran out of electral, sprays and biscuits and oranges.

The roads were packed because of all Full marathon, Half marathon and soon 5kms runners being out together at the same time. 

It helped volunteers since they were now concentrated in the same area and not spread across 42 kms. 

No elevations, no flyovers. 

John Hanc, running writer

"I've learned that finishing a marathon isn't just an athletic achievement. It's a state of mind; a state of mind that says anything is possible."

SPBM 2017

The French Connection

The long weekend saw me making travel plans with the kids.

The thought that this may be the last vacation we take before the exam madness and special classes takes over our lives, I decided to do something different.

A short trip, beach and culture and most importantly good food!

Booked a hotel through a friend. Got cab finalised and ready to go.

As usual last minute changes are inevitable, A school program made us change the schedule a bit and plan our return a day early. 

Some decisions we make in life we regret, very early on.This was one of those.

The city normally clean and pristine and quiet, now reminded me of the city I left behind.

Filthy, noisy, yelling kids, angry drivers and of course familiar number plates.

We checked into our hotel and let the days travel fade away.

Unfamiliar with the heat and humidity we were slowly wilting.

Once the sun set, we set out to explore the French town.

We rushed towards Aurobindo Ashram just before closing time.

We walked through a maze of French sounding streets, keeping an eye out for restaurants for the night.

Being a Hindu festival weekend, the temples were abuzz with noise and colour, amidst all this resides the ashram in silence. 

The clanging and trumpeting all seem to be in another world, when you enter the silent abode.

Once out, we walk towards the Promenade, the heart of the city. 

Walking along the cool rocky beach, the tide crashing against the rocks, cool inspite of the humidity.

Bumping into old friends, coffee on the beach, slow walk back towards the hotel, tired, sleepy for dinner.

The wait for dinner and the lack of most of the items on the menu, was disappointing. 

Yet, we sat through the long wait and returned for another day.

The next day, we drove down to Auroville to experience the community that has been set up,

Again the traffic jams and the long queues to get a parking spot was not something we wanted to experience so far away on a vacation.

We spent a couple of hours walking around, stopped at the famed Auroville Bakery for a crazed shopping spree and was glad to return to the coolness of the hotel in the afternoon.

Evening took us back to the Promenade for a leisurely walk and some popcorn and ice creams on the beach.

Dinner was at a French restaurant we rushed to early in the evening, before the crowds decided to make their move.

A wise decision, we got the best tables, the finest live music and the best service.

We enjoyed the dinner and made our escape before the mad rush began and the waiting crowds spilled onto the streets.

We made our way back to the Promenade for a walk under the moonless skies. This time of the night was not as crowded, but yet noisy,

Morning saw me at church, the famed Notre Dame church, and the Promenade for a view of the beach and crowds who could not get a room for the night sleeping on the beach front! Dirty, garbage, bottles from the night before! 

Not a week to be out in this city.

We left soon after a lovely breakfast ( again getting there early was the key) and were glad to be heading home towards peace and quiet!!