Makes me wonder

“Give me something to believe in
'Cause I don't believe in you
Anymore, anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
Yeah, so this is goodbye” 

 Makes me wonder

Yes, I remember you.

I remember the first hellos, the hesitant conversations, the getting to know you talks.

The way hope lit up finding a friend.

When the space between our minds narrowed down till we broke down our boundaries.

I remember walking the thin line between hope, need, want and desire.

Our hearts melting, the space distorted by necessity.

When reasoning lost out to the sound of something more intense.

I remember the first touch, the gentle kiss, leading to a desperate need.

If I think back, I can still feel the faint imprint of your lips and body against mine.

When the ice within me thawed and your warmth made me human.

I remember the excitement, the longing and the waiting games.

Your company, the only thing that made otherwise dreary days full of life

When the darkness meant me with you and you with me. Us..

I remember the way you smell, the way you smile.

The whispers and the dreams, the shared jokes and the special times.

When there were no curtains, no veils.

I remember the secrets in the quiet of the night

The early morning conversations before the break of dawn

When everything felt natural and words flowed gentle  like a river

I don’t remember when it all began to change.

Was it when I was willing to give my all?

When my cup finally ran dry- You, only you.

I remember being wounded, forgotten

Words which never came,

When words once forgotten echoed back to etch the pain.

I remember when I ceased being me.

Caring, uncaring, loving and wishing I have never loved

When empty promises were so easy to believe

I remember asking, expecting

Not knowing it was not for me to ask

When I knew I had lost.

I remember the coldness, the clear demarcations,

The boundaries which were drawn once again.

When one never looked forward to being with the other

I remember the silence….. going through the motions,

the flames slowly dying down.

When the candle yet had enough battle to fight the wind

I remember the familiar words, the phrases

The look in the eyes, the smile which lurks behind a pain

When we chanced to glance while passing by, slowly letting it become unfamiliar

I remember you, and I am grateful.

For beginnings and endings, for the heat, warmth and the cold.

When lessons of acceptance were learnt from rejections.

I remember the fiercely independent strength which I once had

Gathered and strengthened through years of loneliness

When nothing else mattered except being me.

I remember the tears which never stopped and wiping them away

Listening to the voices in the silence.

When remembering, does not hurt anymore.

I remember knowing that at some point we would never be the same again.

And so I move on.

Sweet Nothings

The 45 days of self-control begins now!

Every year, Carnival celebrates the beginning of 45 days of  feasting before the fasting!

The streets of Goa come alive, Rio rocks the carnival show.!

Lent  is a very Catholic practice.

Did not realize till recently that even Christianity was divided on the belief of this concept.

The Protestants live and preach by the Bible, the Catholics live by man’s interpretation of God’s word!

And so, the sacrifices made during Lent seem Pagan to my Protestant friends.

For a  Catholic it is sacrilege to not “give up” something during Lent.

Growing up in a staunch, orthodox Catholic family, we got used to sacrificing the eating of meat during the 45 days.

Being hardcore meat eaters this is a big sacrifice, especially when your mom does not know how to cook good vegetarian food!

Sunday meals become a bore, we look forward to the end of Lent and wait for Easter when the aroma of meat and spices engulf our senses.

That was just one of the “sacrifices” we made. Flowers were another, a lover of jasmine, being plenty in season and bushes overflowing, the flower and its perfume were sweet torture.

Easter and we adorned ourselves with the fragrant flower!

But did we follow the fast and pray practice? Yes, we did!

Fridays were a day of fasting, the praying was personal!

We also believed in recreating the scenes of Jesus being captured  and then paraded through the streets carrying the cross and finally being nailed to the cross like a common thief and dying on the cross.

This; we as Catholics believed; made us remember the sufferings that Jesus had undergone and helped us renew our faith and live a good Catholic life. 

And so we followed the “Way of the Cross”

As I grew older and moved out of home,  giving up meat was not a big deal since meat being served at a college cafeteria was a rarity.

Then came the move to meat land!

Giving up meat was not easy, it was everywhere! And options for vegetarians were fewer.

Dating a non-Catholic, meat eater, was not making it easy either, so convenience took over faith!

As years passed by, I did not find these difficult to give up.

So I did my own version of the “sacrifice”

I started giving up what I really loved. What I craved most and what would make the 45 days sacrifice feel like I had given up something.

So it started with sweets, then added chocolates, ice creams and drinking binges to the list!

It felt good, not that God demanded me to do so, but knowing I could exhibit self-control! Even if for a few days.

Side effects: very pleasurable!

And so it is, that this year too, I have decided to give up those cravings that leave me wanting more!

It will see me avoiding coffee dates, saying no to pub meet ups, staying put in office after lunch! No baking at home!

For 45 days, the sacrifices will continue, some cravings I may give up entirely having gone without for 45 days, some I will wait for the end of Lent to feast upon again.

Only time will tell.

Till then....

Sweet nothings!