Zened Out

Many years ago Buddhism interested me! For its simplicity in practices, for the colourful flags they let flutter and also because of the desire to rebel against fascism of the church heads.

I explored talks, read books, followed leaders, watched movies around Buddhism! 

But, there were other deterrents, thoughts of killing were considered a No No! 

And so I stuck to the religion I was born into!

I continued seeking knowledge into this practice. Thats when Zenism hit me! Not to be followed as a religion but as a way of life!

Zen in its raw form means meditation.

Being passionate about anything I take up, it consumes a lot of energy! Super stressed soul! This is where meditation was suggested to me!

I had taken up running long distance to heal the mind and appease the body. 

Meditation was for the soul!

I tried it! I was told to sit still and focus on nothingness! 

It was a failure! I could neither be a yogi nor a Zen master!

It hurt that I could fail at something that came so easy to many!

Slowly over a period of time I realised that meditation comes in many forms, religion is not a community to belong but a way of life.

Success or failure, good times, bad times ........ life goes on.

Some learnings from my journey through the years!

Savour life!

There were years when I lived by the clock! everything had to happen on time, like clockwork. A practice instilled in my by my dad and strict upbringing. This had acquaintances wonder if I was a army brat!!

Yes, this kind of living had its benefits, there were no surprises. 

I also realised I left no room to be impulsive.

Thats when I met someone who taught me to stop, see and enjoy every thing I did.

Even the simple act of rushing my coffee before a run, eating breakfast on the go all slowed down.

Now, I spent time sitting down to have my first cup of coffee, running could wait 10 minutes.

Getting ready 10 minutes earlier, meant I could enjoy the breakfast instead of it being exposed to the dust and pollution on the road.

“Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves — slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future.”

One size does not fit all!

What works for them, does not work for you.

Thats when I realised running was my meditation, whether I ran slow, raced or enjoyed the views, It was my Zen.

I could run for 2 hours and finish the day happy! 

I could spend the time I ran to heal the mind, appease the body and feed the soul! 

I did not have to stay still in a quiet place to meditate, I could keep moving, I could have my headphones on and still reach that stage.

Think one thing, focus on whatever you are doing, let your thoughts flow, do not block them! Slowly over an hour, or more you will attain the calmness you desire.

"In the stillness of the mind I saw myself as I am- unbound"

The meaning of life

I thought I had to achieve a certain designation, a certain level of financial success, work in big name companies, travel in fancy cars to prove that my life had meaning.

This was a misconception brought about by the wrong crowd.

I slowly learnt that I had to have a purpose for my life. I had to fulfil that purpose everyday, not at the end of my career,as a retirement plan or on certain days of the month! Every single day, live your purpose. That adds meaning to life.

So today, If i can brighten someone's day with a kind word, a note of gratitude, giving way to someone else more in need of an auto during peak hours, listening to a friend who needs a listening ear, I do it all!

Do more! Live each day! Do not wait for something better to start dong something small! Live the life you have today!

I see the smiling tea shop owner on my way to work, his purpose is to serve tea, he does it with a smile, through the day, even on my way back.

He does not make huge cash profits, but he does make a million smiles! Everyday!

"When you plant a seed of love, it is you that blossoms."

Not the destination, but the journey

"Are we there yet?" "How much longer?" 

I did it as a kid, now my daughters do it.

Till I started traveling around.

Road trips to very normal places, made exquisite by the company we keep and the roads we take.

This made me appreciate the whole process, not just the result,

When you run a marathon, the final result is a 42.2 km on the race day. The journey towards the 42 is such a fulfilling trip, every week you learn something new, you experience something more than just the one race. 

I appreciate the learning I gain not just the salary hikes we look forward to. 

Aim for the final goal, take pleasure in attaining that, but do not ignore the small wins on the way.

"It is better to travel well than arrive."

Let go

This is always difficult, we are hoarders!

Of emotion, anger, love, relationships.

I did this and I hurt, I allowed myself to be hurt.

I held onto grudges, I never forgave.

I clung on to past mistakes. 

Misunderstandings and breakups made me hard.

A counselling diploma helped me understand myself, helped me lose the things I held onto, including the debris that has washed into my shores. 

Today there is a deeper compassion. A detached attachment.

The peace within comes from a higher understanding. 

"You can only lose what you cling to"

Find happiness where you are! It is waiting to be found, in your present job, in your family, circle of friends.

Anything new adds on to the happiness.

Do not wait!! 

Live! In the Now!

"Open your arms to change, but do not let go of your values"

Ink talks

When things around you change rapidly, you search for a sign of permanency. Something to call your own.

When you are a maverick mom and believe this life was made for you, you live it your way! 

When a thought plants itself in your mind and then is watered and fed and nurtured through googling and meeting the right folks, you want to see the fruit!

And that is how a Tattoo was born! 

One year, on a to do list, along with learning to swim, traveling to unknown places and being more forgiving, in small print was 'get a tattoo'!

The year went by, but not without googling!

The idea of getting a tattoo was growing, my search history was filed with dark images! 

Some scary, some meaningless, some prosaic, some plain boring! But images all waiting to get inked!

Swimming was attempted, failed! 

Unknown places happened, successfully!

Mixed feelings on the tattoo!

The need for something more permanent in life still lingered.

Google has never let me down, I read about how simple it could be, how permanent it was, how painful it could be, how like pins and needles it was! 

Spoke to a few friends who had tattoos and knew those who had got a tattoo done!!

there was still a fear, fear of diseases! 

6 months over and yet no tattoo!

I got the contacts of a few tattoos artists through reliable references, saw their work on skin!

Called them up, spoke over phone,

Got the address, walked around the area where they worked! Tried to see the crowd going in and coming out! Yeah I stalked them!!!

Oh the research was thorough indeed!

As much as I craved permanency, I feared it too! 

It was more painful and expensive to get it removed......

And, what about my parents and my kids? What would they say? I knew my parents may want to disown me! They were prudes and would be shocked to see something abstract showing up! They classified this as the work of the devil! Evil influence! 

My kids would be proud of me! Mom who does the weird things! Cool Mom!

I decided to take it as it comes! The tattoo was also a sign of rebellion, to tell my parents I was grown up now! 

The date was finalised. A day when none would be home! 

October was here! If not now then never!

I had fixed the appointment for Saturday afternoon. 

I knew I wanted a Virgo constellation! had taken a few prints of what I had in mind.

I had an approximate price range and size in mind. 

I knew for certainty where I wanted the tattoo to be inked.

The process was smooth, the studio was clean, the music was loud.

To shut the slow muffled screams of pain, to drown the noise of the whirring needle.

We went through a few representative designs, what would actually look good as a tattoo, she was pleased with my research, I was satisfied with her inputs!

Good start! 

I was confident now.

I quickly downed an Ibuprofen to dull the pain and sat still in the chair. Sudden moves could change the whole constellation!

I could see the design turning into reality on my unexposed skin. I could feel pins and needles on the soft tissue.

No, there was no pain, having gone through natural childbirth, with no pain relief, I was ready to take on any degree of pain.

This was nothing compared to what I had read.

Since I had chosen a black constellation, it was pure pricks, no shades! Simple, quick and clean!

It looked ghastly when done.

With the oil and tape over it, it looked like someone had stabbed me with lead pencil all over!!

The doubts started!

went home with a feeling of misgiving! And a self care kit!

I got home, got trusted google to answer my first query. 

How to remove a tattoo? 

Can home remedies help immediately after inking?

It was not meant to be, I was advised not to try anything stupid and cause an infection.

I was not happy! the work was good, the design perfect! 

But I did not want a tattoo anymore!!!

Yet, I took care of it, like you do a cactus, with care, but not love!! 

Sleep is always a cure! I felt better the next morning. With no kids to answer too and a full necked T shirt to cover it from the view of my parents, I survived the night!

I took care of it with caution, the thought of removing it in a week still lingering. 

I looked up laser studios, called them up as well the next day.

They all advised time! time heals! give time some time!

My tattoo played peek a boo at work:) some stared, some questioned! Some looked away!

Slowly, I felt comfortable.

My kids could now see it as well, they asked, I brushed them aside! 

Within a week, it grew on me, I started loving it, it looked better, it healed well. Not red and dotted, but smooth and clear!

I flaunted it in low necked Tees, I allowed it to peek through a netted neckline!

Oh I started taking pride in my tattoo!! 

Mine, representing me! 
The starts peeping out if you stared long enough, the Virgo in me coming alive! 

I could see the pride in my daughters' eyes, the indifference in my parents!

Some see it the way I do, some hope to see even a bit of it! 

Nothing bothered me! I had done it for myself! 

And was soon googling more designs to tattoo!!

I even referred my design studio to many others who liked what I had done!!!

Did I get another one?
No, am still waiting for that inspiration to strike me. 
Someday.........

An Affair to Remember

It all began 21 years ago

A dream which remained unfulfilled.

A trip which could never be taken.

Till planning and preparation made it happen!

Not alone, but with travel companions excited as I was.

Tickets booked well in advance to ensure we got good deal for the money paid.

Travel agent contacted with detailed itinerary to make sure we could get the most out of the 9 days.

Hotels reviewed, confirmed, ready.

And then the long wait began. 

This is the price you pay for planning things way in advance, the wait is longer!!

Busy exam schedules, work schedules, made the months disappear.

Soon it was here!

Trip advisor reviews were read, weather report keenly followed. It did not seem good, but also seemed wonderful!!

Day 1

The short flights, the long waits and finally we landed in cold, grey Bagdogara airport. 

The skies were grey, threatening to open up any minute,

An ardent googler, I was fearful of the road trip that lay ahead of us to reach Darjeeling.

The girls were wide eyed in fear as our driver embraced curves.

Night falls early and by 5:00 PM we were driving in the mist and dark.

Rain pelted down, the mountains a dark silhouette in the distance. 

We crossed Ghum, the highest railway station in India.

We saw the famous Darjeeling toy train tracks. 

We crossed Kurseong and was reminded of ghost stories set in that town.

We drove through mist with less than 5 metre visibility!! 

Scary!!

Finally, reached Darjeeling, tired, hungry, needing to use the rest room!!!

The hotel room, was big! functional, with lovely views of the Kanchenjunga in the distance marred by the clouds and night sky.

Lights dotted the valley, houses readying for the night. 

A quick dinner, and we slipped into the comfort of the quilts, cold for us from hot climes!

Day 2

The next day, we woke up to blankness, no mountains visible, just a huge thick sheet of mist and rain! 

Suddenly as if by a miracle hand, the skies cleared and we got to see the magnificent ranges.

before we could take pictures, the mist covered them up again!!

We spent the day at the Padmaja Naidu Himalayan  Zoo, well maintained, animals indigenous to the Eastern Himalayan ranges.

the animals were all well fed, well nourished and looked happy though locked in cages.

We visited Ghum monastery, which was a disappointment. the Namdroling Monastery in Coorg is a wonder! 

A Japanese Peace Pagoda drew lot of attention from all tourists, destroying the sanctity of the place. 

A long drive to a supposedly good view point, Tiger Hill was a flop show. It was an anticlimax after the beautiful drive along the mountain ranges covered in mist! 

Stopped at a tea estate in the constant drizzle and were soaking in the freezing rain!! 

The chill in the air was getting to a cold in the bones by then.

We headed back to the hotel, to get some much needed rest and warmth!

Once we were comfortable, we walked down the famed mall road for some window shopping.

Night comes early, we rushed back before it got too dark and misty.

Day 3 was a long drive from Darjeeling to Gangtok.

The river Teesta flowed along us, meandering along the curves!

The drive was jittery, the roads were bumpy and the vehicles were not very comfortable, but suitable for such terrain.

After a tiring drive, we reached the state of Sikkim, the capital city Gangtok.

The drive is beautiful and scenic, mountains, valleys, rivers all in perfect harmony.

Prayer flags fluttering in the wind, reminding us of the presence and watchful guidance of the omnipresent.

The city does not permit non state registered vehicles to ply within the limits, We had to move out of our vehicle and shift into a local taxi at the taxi stand to head to our hotel.

Again, tired, rattled bones, saw us checking into the hotel. 

Cold wet weather greeted us in Gangtok too.

The room was well kept, comfortable.

A very late lunch and dinner, saw us hitting the sack early for another day of traveling around.

Day 4

This was a day for local sightseeing.

Gangtok is a city of ups and down, curves and dips.

Our cab driver took us to a lovely garden filled with rhododendrons, to a monastery again where we prayed like the locals do, turning the prayer wheels and chanting to the rhythm, a few temples with good views of the mountains around us. 

A plant conservatory. 

Gangtok is a Tibetan Buddhist city where cleanliness is so obvious.

The lack of traffic signals, the rigid following of ROW, the disciplined driving were such a pleasure to watch.

There was respect for the police and for his guidance, 

We spent some time at MG Marg, shopping for knick knacks and for an authentic Tibetan meal.

With night falling early, cold rains making the wind chill reach single degree temperatures and a long drive ahead of us the next day, we crept under the covers soon.

Day 5

This was a long journey, through roads which were not laid to Lachung in North Sikkim 

6 1/2 hours of off roading!!

Teesta river, snow capped mountains, fern hills, pine forests, bamboo groves and treacherous roads!!

The views made the drive bearable and kept our minds occupied. 

We reached Lachung a small village which was cold and wet already.

Hotels are few and very functional here. But served the purpose.

The room we got had to die for views. Snow capped mountains surrounding us on all sides,

Waterfalls in the distances, water flowing fast below. Greenery all around!

We had an early dinner and slept keeping ourselves warm under several layers of quilt!

Day 6

Saw us leaving early to drive through Shingba Rhododendron sanctuary and further on towards Yumthang valley.

Late snow had not allowed the valley to be filled with the flowers as we had expected, we saw the flowers slowly carpeting the wet snow melting grounds. 

Driving down further brought us to the Zero Point.

Heavenly, so white, covered in snow. Falling snow!  First time experiences are always memorable! Having been just toddlers when they last lived in snow land, this will be the memory they carry for a long time! 

We rented snow boots and jackets and soaked in the cold snow and beauty of the mountains all around us.

The drive back down to the valley and hot Maggi to warm ourselves was a treat.

The night was cold, we were dressed in layers, the rain came smashing down on the tin roofs, along the already soaked valley.

We stayed warm under the covers, refusing to step out for dinner!!

With the rains came power cuts and darkness and candle light at night. 

Eerie in the mountains, cold, shaking, we slept.

Day 7

Heading back to Gangtok was a relief after a night of thundering rains.

Fearful of roads, waterfalls, gushing down and landslides, we made it back to the city, safe.

The driver was cautious, not taking any chance on the road. Knowing we were sitting petrified in the back seat.

Thankfully, it had stopped raining as we drove through the slippery roads.

Reached Gangtok and back to thunder, lightening and non stop rains.

The room we got this time had lovely view of the mountains and valleys and we stayed warm and dry indoors, eating hot pakoda and drinking chai,

the mountain life!

Day 8

We heard that permits to travel to Tsogmo lake and Nathulla pass were not being given out thanks to a major snow storm which had cause a 6 hour block on the mountain roads, which had to be cleared by the army, 

Disappointed. But lucky for us, our driver reached with a permit the next morning for Tsogmo lake, 

Nathulla still remained inaccessible due to the snow storm.

Dressed warm, prepared to play in the snow, we made the long scary journey to reach 14000 feet above sea level.

The narrow ledges called roads, were slippery with ice, snow on the pines, water quickly freezing from the melting snow. 

Each ride more scary than the previous one!!

We made it up the mountain, dressed like eskimos, played in the falling snow, made snow man in the fallen snow, a wonderful experience for the kids and a pleasant surprise for me!

Rushed back before the snow storm began for the day and we could get holed in the cold mountain for the night!

Our feet were frozen under the snow boots, our fingers numbed by the cold snow. Warmed by hot cups of tea and Maggi.

We headed back to the hotel for a hot shower and hot cocoa and crispy pakodas!

Day 9

Was the long trip back to the airport.

Again a drive along the gushing Teesta River. 

Changing landscapes, mountains and valleys, to rolling tea estates.

The airport was packed with returning tourists, foreigners finally being seen at the airport - Sikkim begin a state which does not allow non Indians permits. 

 long waits, journeying back home to comfort and familiarity,

As Banglorians we are familiar with distance being measured by time, so it is in the mountains. A 20 km distance takes more than 1 hour to cover. 

But the views, the changing landscape, the majestic mountains, the bottomless valleys, the milky waterfalls all make the drive interesting.

All hotels were filled with tourists, noisy, chattery, huge groups. Surprising when the state is not easily accessible, motor-able roads disappear after landslides, rains and snow storms.

Goes to prove that the Indians are more discerning and love to explore the vastness and enjoy the beauty of their own country.

Permits to visit most of the tourist spots are required in this state.

This is not issued to non Indians. Permits are obtained against a tourist vehicle and not for individuals. So it is important to contact a tour operator to get these organised a day in advance.

Security is very strict being along a sensitive border, army has lot of control over the mountain regions.

All this make it gratifying to view their lives so far from their family, homes, yet happy to serve their country in such harsh weather conditions and security situations.

And so ended my 9 day affair with the mountains I fell in love with.

A lovely experience, time well spent with kids, different cultures and traditions and a trip to remember. A lifelong dream fulfilled.

Trust No One

Train journeys are normally filled with adventure and excitement and longing when young.

As the travel becomes frequent, it loses its charm and get to be tiring. 

And for anyone who has to travel to work by train everyday, the daily commute can be a grind!

So it is for Rachel, she maintains her sanity (what little is left of it) by imagining lives around the people who live in the houses which dot the railway tracks. She herself leads a life of lie, celebrating it only with her maniacal drinking. 

It is slowly revealed that she too had once been married and leading a happy life with her husband in one of the neatly lying cottages she spies on everyday.

This forms the basis of a dark psychological thriller which as everyone points out has similarities to Gone Girl in its study of the working of a women's mind. Beyond which the similarities end. 

It talks about a delusional woman, drunk, lying, desperate for love. Her need to belong, her fears and self pity.

There are times when you want to walk into the story and give her a slap and tell her to find a life of her own and not scrounge around for attention.

The other 2 female characters in the movie are not stable as well. They have their own past stories, present fears and the book takes turn with different narratives and point of views.This definitely takes the edge away from the pathetic life of the main protagonist- a middle aged woman, not girl.

Imagination some, reality mixed within confuses the reader on which is true.

That by itself keeps the reading interesting and the story compelling. I commend the author on the style and the way she connects the characters and keeps the story alive. 

Soon revealed is the complicated mind of the men in the lives of the women, This is the twist and that is when you realise the women were the saner lot.

The ending was not to my liking, I expected more of a surprise to it, It fell flat and predictable after carrying the story so well so far. 

Definitely a thriller!

I could read the book in one day while waiting for a connecting flight on a vacation.  It held my attention, yes, making me want to know the end, but also wanting me to get done with the book because of the complicated twists it brought into the tale. The book was on my to read list ever since it was available at the book store, so it made me happy to have read it to have satisfied my curiosity,

Would I watch the movie based on the book- No, its too dark and uncomfortably depressing to watch their sad lives, each one with a gory story. 

The Girl on TheTrain- by Paula Hawkins.A failed journey!

When Breath Becomes Air

I did not want my take on the title for this beautiful and poignant memoir by Dr Paul Kalanithi

Death and fear go hand in hand. 

But, this book is all about life.

Living life knowing its not going to last for long. Stark reality of mortality.

"There must be a way, I thought, that the language of life as experienced – – of passion, hunger, of love – – bore some relationship, however convoluted, to the language of neurons, digestive tracks, and heartbeats."

That made the man.

A passion for literature and science well meshed into a life of surgery. The most complex of it all- the brain. 

So well written, about his early days, his need to understand the reason for life, the path taken towards being the best neurosurgeon.

His hopes and ambitions,

Ignoring the early symptoms, maybe because he had a premonition about it all?

The severe illness which shatters his life and those around him.

The support that makes it possible to pull through and have hope left.

The passionate pursuing of a life he dreamt of, not giving up knowing death was close.

The sudden realisation of how immune he had become as a doctor to his patients' pain and suffering until he becomes one- helpless and in need of someone else's belief. 

Reading the book reminded me of a friend who went through cancer and his fighting back at every step. 

How friends and family and a new born baby were his strength and hope. 

Reminded me of my days and nights spent in a hospital alongside my mom who had undergone surgery to remove cancerous cells from her pancreas and intestines. The Whipple procedure being explained to me to help me understand why recovery can take time. 

The memoir is about living, preparing for death, yet staying alive.

How to smile through adversity, enjoying every single day that you have with your loved ones.

Breathing even if slow and laborious is still being alive. Smiling through the pain.

When that breath becomes life for the one's left behind. 

Live the life you have... today. Make it memorable, make it meaningful. Live a life of gratitude. 

“Human knowledge is never contained in one person. It grows from the relationships we create between each other and the world, and still it is never complete.” -Paul Kalanithi

It's Kind Of A Funny Story

The sun shone brightly,cheery and clear spring skies greeted her.

She stepped out with a song in her heart. 

The day progressed. 

Smile waned, spring turned into grey clouds.

Suddenly........

Empty.... Numb.....Void......Blackness.....

She was not sad, there was a feeling of nothingness, absence of colour. 

None mattered, 

A place where no one lived. 

She wandered aimlessly. Maybe there was an escape route, she never found it.

The black hole sucked her in deeper.

It absorbs her. 

Engulfs her heart and bones melt into nothingness.

She became the dark, added volume to emptiness.

Paralysed, feral fear staring out of the deep eyes.

"Why are you depressed?" "Don't you have a wonderful boyfriend? Is your job not paying you enough?"

She does not understand. Words have no meaning. She feels guilt for being in a state of void.

She glides in and out of the vacuum she calls her world.

Today is World Health Day and the theme for the year is " Depression. Let's Talk"

Depression is not sadness, it's far more debilitating and unsupported.

It is a disease of the mind if not helped, can cause suicidal tendencies. 

It can happen to the best of us at any time.

Understanding its cause is difficult for the sufferer and the supportive friends.

Everyone else sees a normal person, maybe seeking attention.

Students, Young adults,  People facing problems at work, relationship, marriage, friendship. Old age. Losing jobs, Death.

Remember, what seems like a minuscule worry, may be a mountainous problem to another.

Perceptions and emotions differ.

Be Kind to someone who admits they are depressed.

It takes courage in today's society to talk about it.

Where you can be labeled for being a weakling.  

"Do something new, go for a walk, get physical! "

Easy for us to say.

Difficult for them to execute beyond a day or two.

There is no purpose felt.

Do not take offence if they push you away. 

They do not like to burden anyone with their confusion.

Listen to their silent cries for help.

Be There for them.

Do-nothing, but sit with them.

Be ready to listen if they want to talk.

Be a friend. 

Try not to expect anything in return for your time.

It takes time. Help them heal. 

I am listening. Are you?

“Hope

Smiles from the threshold of the year to come, 

Whispering 'it will be happier'...” 

― Alfred Tennyson

This is my 100th blog post.

I was looking for something suitable to commemorate the special event.

What better post than something which defined me as a person.

As someone who went through a severe bout of depression going through a divorce, having sudden suicidal and violent tendencies, so bad that your parents did not want to leave you alone at home with your own kids.

What helped me come out strong - having the right circle of friends and supporters, a job to keep me focused. And time. 

Gratitude always!